AIBU to miss friends hen?

[user56]

My friend is getting married next June and it's going to be a big, grand affair. I have a 5 month baby and have recently found out I'm expecting again, due November so there will be a years gap between them. When I told her what I thought was happy news her first reaction was to say well you won't wanna come to the hen weekend (abroad). When I said I think it will be difficult with a newborn and just over 1 year old she made it clear she's very disappointed in me and is still expecting me to go. Of course I don't know what the jump from one to two will be, but it k be honest with them both so little I don't want to leave them even if I could. I don't want my friend to be disappointed in me as I know her hen means a lot to her, but I'm also really disappointed that she made me sharing my baby news about her and her hen and isn't trying to see it from my POV.

But I'll agree with most of the pp's and say don't go if you don't want to. Enjoy your babies

Did you have a weekend abroad for your hen? If so and your friend spent a lot to attend then can understand if she's a little upset you can't go to hers although agree she was thoughtless not to congratulate you on your pregnancy before talking about her hen.

She sounds very selfish. You tell her you're pregnant and her first thought is how that's going to affect her.

Nobody should be guilt tripped in to going on a hen do/holiday they don't want to, for whatever reason. Personally my biggest issue with 2 under 2 would be the cost of the hen do - presumably you will be on mat leave still and statutory pay only by that time. Hen weekends always seems to end up costing more than you'd think once factoring in drinks, meals out and excursions.

Honestly she sounds selfish and purely interested in herself.

Be firm from the start, you are not going overseas for a hen night, you could attend an evening out locally if she were to change it at some point, otherwise you are happy to arrange a dinner when she is back. End of, no more discussion needed.

I hate hen weekends away so you are not missing anything but a very expensive me weekend for her.

If she brings it up tell you look forward to dinner when she is back to celebrate instead, each and every time.

I don't know how you have the patience for this, I certainly wouldn't have, fortunately you won't have much time for her soon with such young babies.

No way on earth I'd be going !!! I'd stay nice and friendly and ask what I can do to help etc. But don't be surprised if you get the old shoulder , and just shrug it off. You've not done anything wrong!! Does she have young dc?

Thanks so much ladies you're making me feel so much better about this and that I'm not being entirely selfish!!!
@EmUntitled yes I definitely am worried about the money - SMP is killing me this time with one so god knows what it'll be like with two !!!!
@MarieMorgan she did come to my hen but it wasn't abroad.

@Bea1985 no she doesn't have kids. And I know that before I had kids I wouldn't be able to understand it either!

And I know that before I had kids I wouldn't be able to understand it either!

That’s right, people without children can’t possibly have any idea what it’s like. None of us bother to listen to or care about our friends with kids.

Not every parent wants to leave their children and go abroad- regardless of age. My two very good friends both had their seperate hens abroad (I had a two month old at the time) so I said no. They were both completely understanding. My ds is now 1 and I still wouldn't leave him to go abroad. A night in England yes but not somewhere where I couldn't get back quickly in an emergency. Don't feel guilty. If she's worth it she will understand.

Did she go to your hen? Was she supportive during your wedding?

Nothing in the universe would have possessed me to leave mine when they were babies. Your "friend" is BU beyond belief. Someone upthread said you dodged a bullet. They were right.

Your friend does sound thoughtless although I think some posters may be being a little harsh without knowing any back story. One of my friends daughters spent a fortune on going to her friends hens and even organised a couple of them but by the time she got married they all had babies and just weren't so enthusiastic about hers (and yes probably less spare cash too). Understandable but a little hurtful for her.

Don't go, but just make sure you're available for the divorce party!

"If your friend’s immediate thought on hearing that you're pregnant is to be upset about her piss up weekend then she’s not worth being arsed about"

Absolutely!

I would have been willing to leave the baby at that age, but was still bfeeding & a weekend would have been too long away.

For maybe a day/night out, I could have done some expressing & obviously their dad would have been looking after them.

@PurpleDaisies no I never said all people without kids couldn't understand I said before kids I didn't understand!!!

@summertimehere she did come to my hen and was very supportive during my wedding but it was in the UK and she didn't have 2 under 18 months at the time . This is why I do feel so bad as she has been a great friend over the years and I really don't want to let her down, but at the same time I just can't afford it financially on £140 SMP per week, but also think my babies need me

Congratulations! Your parenting choices are important. A hen do is a party.
Do what's right for your babies.

If you were saying no to a night out I could understand her upset but a whole weekend is unreasonable for the money factor alone. I don’t even have small children and would not go on a hen abroad because I wouldn’t be willing to spend that much money on such an event. Have you told her you won’t actually be able to afford it anyway?

I don't think yabu, but some people will happily leave their babies at that age so she may not get why you won't. Her problem though.

If you can't afford it I would tell her that now.

Storm4star - you may not want to pay for a hen weekend but I don't think that's relevant here. What's more relevant is what has been the norm amongst the OP's group of friends. If OP's friend has happily paid to go to hen party's for her friends then I don't think she's being greedy or entitled to think that they might do the same thing for her. As I've already said she was thoughtless in not congratulating her friend but also its easy to forget when you are at the baby stage that a hen and wedding is still a big deal for your friend.

Hmmm. It’s totally not unreasonable to go away for a weekend if you have a 6 month old baby. You are still a person with friends and are allowed to have fun even if you have a 6 month old. I wouldn’t right off this friendship yet. So you’re the 2nd friend in a shirt space of time to announce your pregnancy. She took it badly. Is she a good friend in general?

Well then bearing that in mind think if she was good to you then you should treat her well back and at least make the effort to go.

That’s probably annoyed her as she was thinking how she went on yours.