To ask for your help in overcoming this totally unworthy emotion about childminder?

[BrightnessRadiant]

I’ve recently had to find new childcare so have been visiting nurseries and speaking to childminders. The eldest is going to school in the autumn and I think I may have found the holy grail of a brilliant childminder who can have the youngest the days I’m working and pick the oldest up from school. She is a friend of a friend and absolutely lovely. Her daughters go to the school DS1 is going to and he will love knowing older children there. I think it will be fabulous for DS2 to spend time in a homey environment with one person and develop a strong bond with them, rather than having different carers at a nursery, and it’s great they’ll be able to spend time together once DS1 is picked up. She does great activities with the kids and takes them to all sorts of interesting places. And, more importantly ime, is incredibly warm and both DC really like her. I like that DS1 will be able to relax after school instead of being in a club for longer, especially as he’ll be very young starting reception. Plus, it’ll be a lot easier for me and DH to do one lot of drop-offs and pick-ups than to do nursery and school wrap-around.

But- I’m jealous. In a very visceral way I dislike the idea of my baby spending so much time with someone else, in a way I never felt about nursery. I know I won’t be ‘replaced’ but I worry a childminder is more likely to be closer to doing that than any nursery keyworker, however brilliant. I also know I’m being a twat, that this is almost certainly the best childcare option both emotionally for the DC and practically for us as a family, and I need to put the DC first, get over myself, and resist the shitty urge to send DS2 to one of the (perfectly nice) nurseries we’ve seen just because I’m scared he’ll love someone more than me.

So, I’d be grateful if people could give my head a wobble please!

I remember being hugely envious when a neighbour announced that she was expecting her second child. I had been trying for a while, she got pregnant like that. I already had one child and knew if it never happened again I was fine. I really didn't like myself that afternoon. It happens, but just remember that your DC will have another positive adult role model in his life and of course he won't love her more than you.

Thank you! Yes I know what you mean about not liking myself. I’ve never thought of myself as a possessive parent but apparently I am . Think it doesn’t help that the childminder is one of life’s ‘perfect’ people. She’s always calm and cheerful and so organised, and her children are so well-behaved, and her house never looks like a total pigsty despite being full of children doing wholesome developmental activities... she makes me feel very inadequate as a human being .

Ok, I'm speaking as an honorary 'auntie'. I have no children myself but love 2 little boys to bits.
I suspect the depth of love I have for them is similar to that which I might have had for my own child, although I obviously can't know this for certain .
My honorary ' nephews' also love me and show lots of pleasure when I see them ( I can give them lots of undivided attention).
However, I am not their mum and wouldn't want to replace her. They have their own strong and loving relationship with both their parents. I am just a lovely extra!
After all, can any child have too many people loving them?
Children are fickle often in the way they suddenly choose one person they want to be with, wanting hugs and cuddles when you are in the middle of cooking tea, but not wanting them when you have time to sit with them etc. Don't take it personally. That is just how they are.
It is most important that you are secure in your love for your child. If you are, they will sense this and will feel secure in their love for you.
Your childminder has her own children that are the permanent lives of her life. Her minders will be more transient in that as they get older they will be with her less time and eventually not at all. She will know this and work with this. she won't be turning them against you. It isn't a competition.
Just allow your children to have the love of an extra adult in their lives. It will be good for them! They may sometimes show a preference for the childminder in the random way children do. Let them do this, it doesn't make your love for them any less and if won't make their love for you any less either. Learning and developing relationships with other people besides the primary care giver is part of the way children grow and develop emotionally. Try and be happy that your children have such a positive lovely person to do this with.

Make sure you pay attention to strengthening your relationship with them when they are with you. They will know that you are the constant in their lives.

Are you not just grateful for finding someone you can trust and you know your DC will love to be cared by. Your DC are yours, no one is adopting them!! YABU, grow up woman and smell the friggin coffee, your DC are going to grow up and fall in love. Are you then going to compete for their love and attention with partners? Or feel jealous they are moving on? Time to slowly sever the irrationally emotional umbilical cord and don’t smother yourself with pathetic emotions.

My little one had a wonderful childminder and was loved by her and her children and loved them in return. Your feelings are understandable but it was the most fantastic thing for my son to build that relationship while I worked and he benefited enormously. Your reasons for choosing a childminder were ours too and once your sons are going, you will likely feel more relaxed about their growing relationships. FWIW, my son used to tell me sometimes he loved the childminder more than me (but always with a cheeky glint!) but the truth is no one ever replaces mum. It made me happy he was so safe and loved with her. Go for it, sounds like you’ve found the perfect childcare and that really helps with ‘mum guilt’!!

The more people who love your DC , the better for them.

My DC have a fabulous cm who lives in the next street. They love her & she loves them. I think it's fabulous. They don't have any cousins and aren't close to uncles & aunts so will be their only experience of life in a different family unit, something which I think is really important as you are never too young to learn that there are different ways of doing things.

I had a great childminder growing up, I know that I liked her and enjoyed going to her house but when I think back to my childhood, she does not feature. I remember the times at home and being with my parents and the things we did and the family jokes and holidays etc if im specifically prompted like on this thread, I will remember 'oh yes, I had a nice childminder too' but beyond that, I don't think about her and certainly only remember being thrilled to see my parents.
Your DC will enjoy their time with her but it's a fleeting time in their lives and I doubt very much their relationship will be anything beyond pleasant lady who looks after us until I see my mum again

I think its lovely you have found someone so brilliant to mind your children. Consider this a wobble.

Just think of her as another person your child will love and who will love them. Children have aunties, uncles, grandparents, stepparents who they love to bits but that does not mean they love them more or even as much as their own mum.

Just think of her in the same way as you would a grandparent. You are not jealous of their relationship hopefully? Yet your dc I imagine love their gp's to pieces.

Remember also that the childminder will have other children to care for of different ages, meals to prepare etc. At a nursery, the ratio is 1 adult to 2 babies, they don’t have meals to cook or older children to deal with. I’m not trying to knock your choice of childcare (I use a wonderful CM myself). Just pointing out that she isn’t going to be able to “replace you” in your baby’s eyes.

It will be fine.

My boys have both gone to a childminder 3 days a week since they were 1 (now almost 3 and almost 5). They have an absolute ball there, and she is, quite frankly, amazing. She does all the messy stuff I try to get out of doing at home, they have great friends there, they charge in through the door in the morning and vanish into the playroom without a glance back, she cuddles them when they fall over, hugs them as they read books, rocks them to sleep, it's amazing.

But when we pick them up at the end of the day, the only thing they want to do is scramble up into the arms of whichever of us is picking them up, and come home. They have had a lovely day but are tired, and know that where they want to be is curled up with Mummy and Daddy at home.

However great a childcare setting is, it doesn't replace home. The childminder plays an incredibly important role in their life but doesn't replace the parents and cannot fulfil the parent's role, they are just an additional important person in that child's life.

My children have been with the same childminder since they were babies - and they're now 9 and 7. They're as close to family as could be.

But guess what? When I pick them up they're still thrilled. I'm still their best person. Because I'm their Mum, and that's that.

In the very loveliest way, you should get a grip and just be really glad to have another kind person on your kid's side and in their life.

Exactly what @mumofmunchkin says. But it's ok to have a wobble, it happens to all mums.

I used CMers. All wonderful people who my dc loved going to - but they are just that, memories of nice times for the later ones (Primary school age), and, quite frankly, my dc don't remember the people who looked after them pre-school.
She won't replace you. Your dc will not be confused, but they will blossom in the right childcare, and don't underestimate the advantage of both of them being the same drop off / pick up, and then there's the school holidays......

Really understand what you are going through....

Your head (and part of your heart) knows this is a gift from heaven and the most perfect childcare option you could find, hugely supportive of DC and of your work SO YES EMBRACE IT WIHT OPEN ARMS

But it is tough letting go! So long as you don't underestimate that and recognise it is natural, it is fine.

Be kind to yourself.

And like others have said, you will always be their mum - their childminder will become either a distant memory or (if you are lucky) like a friendly aunt who sees them both through school....

I remember being very upset when DD went to school and was so disappointed when the holidays came round and she was going to have to be at home rather than at school with her mates.... I felt like an awful mum and really sad.... But if you take a step back, what you want is for them to have an amazing rich time when they are without you and to feel cherished and secure in your love throughout their lives...

Awww bless you love, it’s not easy is it? My kids have gone to a CM for years and she’s the BEST!! The kids on her street seem to think she’s a kid too, as they’ll go round to play with Sarah, not the kids in her charge! My kids rave about her, and she does ALLLLLLL the messy stuff i don’t want to!
All that said? When I walk in (especially when I walk in as it’s usually dh who picks them up, so it means I’ve finished work early unexpectedly if I’m there) they’re all over me, and I’m their person. Sarah is ace, and she stands in for me, but my kids know she’s not me, just as your precious wee toot will know you’re their person.
Gentle wobble.
Now, go book her FFS before she gets all booked up!!!
Plus I bet she has a Monica cupboard where all her clutter lives, and she has a few gins at the weekend to keep her calm persona

Thank you all so much- you’re all right of course. I was just having a wobble earlier. I’m really grateful to have found someone I trust and who I know they’ll be happy and safe with.

Both my dc went to a childminder. She was fab and they liked her. But she was just a childminder to them, as yours will be to your dc.

It's actually one of those really humbling moments when you realise that your children's happiness and wellbeing is more important to you than your own feelings. I have had many such moments.

They'll love her, they will. But they'll always love you more, and for longer. They will.

I had a lovely childminder, called her Aunty and remember her fondly.
She is, however, just that- a fond memory.
My mum is one of the most important people in my life. She's the person I go to for everything from advice to fun days out.
I'm so grateful that when she had to return to work that she found a warm and loving person to care for me.

I feel a bit funny about the intimacy of the cm relationship. It’s like an aunt or grandparent but without the previous relationship. I’ve no doubt it’s gteat for the kids but for me as quite a private person I find it a bit uncomfortable.