To remove all DS's technology?

[greeneggblueegg]

So have just discovered a trail of conversations on DS's (13) Instagram account containing filthy, disgusting language.

To make matters worse and to my utter shame I had a parent ring me to say DS had been involved in a aggressive online dialogue with his son and it was getting out of hand. Whilst it was fairly purile stuff DS just doesn't seem to grasp the implications of posting on social media (despite us talking him through the risks many times)

I am so shocked by what DS has been posting - his defence is that that all his friends talk to each other like that and actually he was the one being bullied by this other boy.

It feels like all I am doing is having a go at him at the moment but every time I think it's sorted another shock awaits me.

WIBU to just confiscate phone, x-box, laptop as he clearly can't be trusted.

YANBU. Confiscate for a set period that he knows in advance to give him a break and teach him a bit of a lesson. Then start reintroducing them under supervision, while you help to teach him healthy online behaviours.

I just can't believe he thinks it's acceptable to say things online he would never dream of face to face

How will he prove he is trustworthy going forwards?

What conversations have you had about this previously?

IMO, children need really clear guidelines about what is acceptable and what isn't regarding their online communications. So often this seems to be lacking.

It is all very well to confiscate everything as a punishment, but what lesson will be learnt? You need to have a clear outcome and plan going forward, so that this doesn't happen again.

My DC are older than yours but we've been through this. I talk to them endlessly about online comms; the stupid stuff that I hear about other DC doing, the stuff that idiots at work do, the stuff that gets reported in the media and so on. It is a huge part of their lives, so it needs loads of focus IMO.

DS got himself in an online scrape once and the action I insisted on was an apology by email to the person he offended online and then me approving all his posts online for a short period of time afterwards, which meant restricted use of phones & internet, as I work, so he could only post when I was home in the evening. It seemed to be effective, as he hasn't managed to get in any other scrapes since then and that was 3 years ago.

You are right he does need clear rules and consequences (clearly we weren't explicit enough!)

After he gets his phone back DH wants a total ban on social media but how realistic is that in a teenage world??

How do you pre-approve his posts?

DS just doesn't seem to grasp the implications of posting on social media (despite us talking him through the risks many times)

How often do you check his social media accounts? Daily?

I don't think a total ban is a good idea myself, as your DS won't learn anything & he will just hate you both. I think more conversations about social media is an excellent idea!

When DS messed up. I said he had to sit with me while he was posting online and so that is what he had to do. I gave him his phone, turned back on the internet & he sat beside me to do his posts and messages. I watched what he was doing until I'd had enough & then I took his phone away again. Did that for a couple of evenings until I could feel resentment starting to creep in and then I gave him his freedom back on the understanding that if anything like that happened again, he would be back to 'mummy-approved' usage for a considerably longer time.

Keep the dialogue open, keep talking about it. Try not to preach but tell stories about 'other' idiots doing stupid things, so that they can learn from them.

Depends. What was he saying?

I’m not sure a ban will help and will it force your son to do things behind your back. Unfortunately SM is part of life now. I’d put clear guidelines around what’s being taken away and for how long. Also what happens when he has them back, such as you having his passwords to monitor what’s being said etc. If he’s saying the other boy is bullying him then that needs to be looked into as well

We had a parents' eSafety workshop at my DC's school. One of the questions:

You're thinking of buying a house by a lake. Do you:

A) Not buy the house.
B) Chuck your child straight in the water.
C) Teach your child to swim.

The point being, banning the internet doesn't prepare your child for anything. You need to teach them how to use it safely.

Agree Perfectly a million times. We had a similar talk at one of my DC's schools and they made the analogy with learning to drive. How you don't just have a bit of a chat about safety and hand over the keys and let them drive off, you or another responsible adult / teacher sits beside them and shows them what to do until they can manage it safely by themselves.

My stepfather 'taught ' me how to swim by chucking me in the (very) deep end of Trentham Gardens swimming pool ☹️

Have a talk with him about esafety, but also address the language. Was it threatening? Misogynistic? There might be more conversations to have there.

Personally I think YWBU to ban the technology without discussing anything. It's like putting a plaster on a bullet wound.

My punishment would be no technology for a week, and then as time went on, the intensity and amount of protective measures (e.g. in your son's case, I would be skimming through his messages each week) would lessen. A bit harsh perhaps but it's a lesson they need to learn.

Can see I was probably over reacting a bit - think my ignorance in how to monitor his posts caused a knee jerk reaction.

I understand I can get visibility of all his Instagram posts (not sure how ) but that I can't for SnapChat? Do I physically have to look at his phone?

Also there is a risk of him just deleting conversations. How should I tackle that?

We also need a serious discussion about the vile language used. Nothing specific but think the worst kind of expletives

I understand I can get visibility of all his Instagram posts

You can't, you can set it to auto delete when one person leaves the conversation.

Educating him is the answer, not confiscation.

Some of the language used by people on social media is really grim. I think boys particularly want to look a bit 'hard' and 'cool' in front of their mates by using the worst imaginable language. DD has been sent stuff by boys, whose parents I know well, that is just foul. DD takes no prisoners and bans them instantly, along with all the boys who send her cock shots, however that makes none of it right. It does show you that your DS is not alone in making errors though.

I keep on saying to my two that everything they put on social media has the potential to be there FOREVER. I tell the story about the girl who was appointed to be the youth rep for the police and someone found horrible racist posts she'd made when she was young & how she was publicly stripped of the position and so on. I find holding up someone else and saying to my DC, "you'd never do anything that stupid would you" does work. I do it endlessly about so many things, drink & drugs too. I think if I keep repeating & repeating in different ways, it will sink in and they won't be the idiots!

YANBU you should remove all the technology. It's easy to get addicted to it nowadays so it's good to take a break

Fucking hell are you really shocked that a 13 year old was swearing.

To be honest you need to chill out a bit, teenagers like swearing, and for good reason- it's fucking hilarious.

I just can't believe he thinks it's acceptable to say things online he would never dream of face to face

Don't panic - I remember back in the 1980s when online communications were a novelty, people who wouldn't say boo to a goose in real life would say the most outrageous things to each other online. And that was adults

He's been silly but nothing unusual or especially worrying. Consequences, yes, but a week off social media and some closer supervision should be fine.

The fact that a parent has rung you up about something he said online should be a wake-up call for him in itself. Tell your DS that the other boy talked to his parents and got them to back him up, and now DS is the one in trouble, and if DS was really being bullied then he could have talked to you. Even if all the other boys say horrible things to each other he was taking a risk, he took things too far and crossed a line and the other boy got really upset or angry. As I am sure you keep reminding him, what you can say online for people to read or watch is very different from what you can say to each other face to face.

My DS started chatting online before Instagram etc., in a games forum with a moderator keeping an eye. If DS had made trouble he would have been slung out. Which made things easier for us. I talked to DS a lot about "flame wars" and about how to calm down a flame war (i.e. meaning, someone he had upset ) and occasionally he asked for advice if things were getting out of hand. And I agree with pp that stories about other people's stupidity are very useful bits of education!

It is never going to "be sorted" it's a continual learning experience, with mistakes made along the way. And you and DH are there to pick up the pieces and point him in the right direction!

As a teacher and someone who deals with kids in school, YES, PLEASE TAKE THEM AWAY!
Kids are using foul, disgusting language towards each other and also towards staff. It is commonplace in schools now. If only all parent's actually hit them where it hurts (technology) perhaps they would actually understand cause and effect.
The number of students who flat out swear at me in class, only to say, "Call my parents, they won't believe you / won't care / won't do anything" and they're right most of the time!

along with all the boys who send her cock shots

Are cock shots normal for 13 year olds now? When DS was at school that would have meant a sexual bullying investigation, school and possible police involved. Sending a cock shot of/to someone underage is still very illegal, but maybe custom has changed?