Always the one to initiate things

[SummerWinter]

AIBU for being bothered by this, or am I being silly?

I've noticed that with certain friends, it's always me that initiates spending time together.

One friend (a male friend) always says yes right away when I suggest something, and is very accommodating. I.E. he will say 'whenever you're free' or 'I could do right now'. When we catch up it's always nice and warm and he'll usually end up saying 'let's do this again' or some such at the end. Yet, he'll never be the one to approach me to ask, it's always me that does so. He agrees to or suggests plans in the abstract (ie 'we should do x sometime') but even then it's always me that has to pin it down.

Another friend (a female friend) is the same. Slightly harder to pin down but always seems pleased to see me when we do. She isn't ever in touch either, it's always me. Yet she called me one of her closest friends recently.

Friend three, another woman, still hasn't replied to a message I sent her a week ago asking if I'd like to catch up.

AIBU and petty to be bothered by this? I really enjoy their company when I see them, but it's starting to niggle at me as I get socially anxious and am wondering if they are even as into the friendship as I am.

All three have MH issues of some description as well, but knowing this doesn't make me feel any less bad.

I think I am probably like one of your friends. I am self employed and work from home and I'm always so busy that I just don't get round to it. I don't seem to have an end to my work day, my partner says he finds it easier because he gets to finish at 5 but I can only finish when I'm done.

I also struggle with MH problems, I get anxious about trying to sort out plans and sometimes I get anxious about going out.

I feel really bad now after reading your OP and I'm so grateful that my friends have persisted with me.

I have a friend like your Friend 1, OP. I've known her 20 years and love her dearly, but at first I did wonder if I was just more into the friendship.

If I were you, I wouldn't contact Friend 3 again for the moment and see how long it takes for her to get back in touch with you -if ever.

I appreciate what you say, Snapped, but work cannot be a blanket justification all of the time. We're all busy, and friendships require effort on both parts. MH issues are different, of course.

when sorry to make you feel bad!

Thing I can’t figure out and building on what you say too pasture are people like friend one and two lazy and assume I’ll do all the leg work or do they just not value our friendship as much?

Friend one perplexes me the most as is always so accomodating I don’t understand not being contacted first

I think friend 1 is just lazy. They like spending time with you they just can't be bothered to do anything about it. They are probably like that about lots of other things as well, I doubt it is anything personal. You probably just have to accept that you are going to have to do the work if you want to meet up, or not if you are happy to let the friendship go. Regarding Friend 2, she may be a bit like me 😳, I have low self esteem and would never assume that somebody would want to spend time with me, so I am always pleased to be invited out with my friends.

OP, the fact Friends 1 & 2 are always happy to see you when you get in touch is a good indicator, imo. Some people are monumentally lazy, others are busier than we are and these things do slip down their list of priorities.

I know my friend is way busier than me (she works shifts, has a partner and a small child suffering from a chronic illness, whereas I'm single, childless and fancy free), so I don't begrudge her at all the fact it's almost always me initiating contact. But she does give clear signs she's actually happy to hear from me, and is apologetic about not being in contact more often - I think there lies the difference.

possum you've just motivated me to contact friend two - I think there's a bit of that with her too

I think just keep going as you are. If they didn’t want to be friends with you then they wouldn’t agree to meet up.
Some people just don’t ever seem to do it. Don’t let it bother you or take it personally it’s pretty common. Enjoy your friends when you do catch up!
Friend three wait for her to make next contact

If they didn't want to see you, they probably just wouldn't see you. Or it would at least be quite difficult to pin them down. Many people are a bit disorganised or anxious or any number of things and just don't get round to/it doesn't occur to them to make plans with others. I'm like this but I love my friends and always enjoy seeing them. I have MH issues too, which contributes. It sounds to me like friends 1 and 2 are just not the types to initiate plans, for whatever reasons, and friend 3 might be having a bad time right now - or just downright forgetful!

I think I need to learn more about MH issues in a way. Friend one told me recently that they are very lonely at present for example, which is why I thought he'd reach out more.