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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Let’s say your in a open relationship

23 replies

MayContainBrain · 11/07/2018 21:20

And you agree you can have sex with other people

Would you agree going off with your best mate is unreasonable?

OP posts:

LokiBear · 11/07/2018 21:22

Yes. And would ruin a friendship. Although surely boundaries would need to be agreed from the outset?

Confusedbeetle · 11/07/2018 21:22

An open relationship is not a relationship. It is a sex agreement. It always ends in tears. When you are ready to commit to a person you grow a relationship

Shoxfordian · 11/07/2018 21:24

It depends on what your terms are in your open relationship

CherryPavlova · 11/07/2018 21:41

I’m with Confusedbeetle.

henpeckedinchief · 11/07/2018 21:44

I think for an open relationship to work you have to have had a lot of discussion about boundaries first. For some couples the scenario you outlined would be fine. For others it absolutely wouldn't. Open relationships can't be a free-for-all and are just as reliant on strong, respected boundaries as monogamous ones.

Purplecushion09 · 11/07/2018 21:49

Alot of conversation is needed about the friendship and the relationship. I did it and she is still my best friend now and my husband and I are strong as ever. But my partner and friend spoke to each other about concerns, boundaries just as much as I did with my partner and my friend. We had open situation for 6 months roughly for me to explore my sexuality. It stopped at time that felt natural. So i do not think it is completely unreasonable. Depends why they want to go with best friend. For me and my friend we had both admitted long time before we were both curious but would be too nervous to try with a random person. For us it was about trusting each other and my partner suggested we possibly consider trying. Conversations developed from there.

Most important thing is that everyone involved is respected and respectful of wishes and boundaries.

MaisyPops · 11/07/2018 21:52

Surely for the success of an open relationship is that there's openness, honesty and respect of each other's boundaries.

If best friends are within limits then it's fine.
If best friends are outside limits then it's not.
If sleeping with a friend would be a betrayal of trust then don't do it.

Either way, I'd be concerned about the friendship being ruined as well.

Anon12345ABC · 11/07/2018 21:55

I think it would be tough to have an open relationship where one was sleeping with the other partner's friend. I think you would wonder if they had always had a thing for each other.

Redcherries · 11/07/2018 21:59

Who’s best friend? Their own or the other persons? If it’s their own I would question their history tbh but not be overly fussed, but if my partner slept with mine, open relationship or not, without discussing the boundary involved due to my best friend being my person to speak to in bad times etc I think it would be game over on both relationships for me. Hope you’re ok.

blackbirdbluebottle · 11/07/2018 22:03

Yes best friends are off limits I mean that is just against the rules of feminism (or whatever that mean girls quote was)

Purplecushion09 · 11/07/2018 23:11

If this is something you and your partner are considering. If either one of you are not 100% solid agreement on who is or is not off limits - don't do it.

Barbaro · 11/07/2018 23:25

Well if you agree to an open relationship, that's a risk you take. They may have sex with someone you don't want them to. Either specify beforehand or don't have an open relationship.

gekiort · 11/07/2018 23:37

And you agree you can have sex with other people

There would have to be rules in place regarding who and how this shagging other people took place, in order to ensure things like below didn't t happen

Would you agree going off with your best mate is unreasonable?

EvilButNotReally · 12/07/2018 00:48

I'm polyamorous and so are my partner's.

I've offered a lend of one of them (who would and did consent to offering their services) to a very good friend of the pair of us when she was wanting an uncomplicated fuck.

It was clear before hand that it was recreational sex. Risk control was within agree parameters. And remains an uncomplicated friends with benefits arrangement if and when.

Works for us and we still carry on our friendship as before.

Arum51 · 12/07/2018 01:21

Open relationships have always sounded pretty exhausting to me. But if I did agree to it, then best friends would be a definite no. I wouldn't shag his best friend, and he should keep away from mine.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 12/07/2018 01:33

Fm! Did no one read Confusedbeetle’s post?
What you are discussing is not a effing relationship ffs! It’s just an agreement about who’s shagging who and who’s ok with it and who gets shagged!!
Anyone who’s asking is it ok for my shag buddy to screw my bf or for me to shag theirs really doesn’t need to ask such stupid questions on MN!
Relationships, whether friends or lovers are defined by boundaries, expectations, respect and honesty.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 12/07/2018 01:53

I guess it depends on agreement and being honest about it. Don’t think I could be with more than one person. It sounds exhausting and I’d probably get jealous or feel bad.

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/07/2018 02:11

Yes. My best friend is not other people.

sobeyondthehills · 12/07/2018 02:16

I have a friend who is in an open relationship, and it is very much based on communication both herself and her partner have agreed on what is and what is not ok, this includes contraception and making sure the other person is aware that they are in an open relationship. Either one breaks this trust then the relationship open or otherwise ends.

I am only going by second hand knowledge here, but I would assume that if you say friends are out then that is part of the rules.

I have heard stories about people saying they want an open relationship purely so they can have sex with the other person's friend. That is not an open relationship that is keeping your options open

NotASingleFuckToGive · 12/07/2018 02:21

'Open relationship' is an oxymoron.

You either have a relationship, or a glorified fuck buddy.

AgentJohnson · 12/07/2018 07:06

This is what happens when you assume you’re on the same page without explicitly asking. An open relationship is still a relationship and subject to the boundaries of the participants, if you don’t articulate what those are in advance, there will be those who will use that to their advantage. This type of dick move is not the type of behaviour to inspire confidence in a partner, let alone someone who is participating in activities that require a huge amount of trust.

MaisyPops · 12/07/2018 07:19

Open relationship' is an oxymoron.
You either have a relationship, or a glorified fuck buddy.
Hardly. But nice and judgey.

If two people have a relationship and decide that they are ok with sex outside their relationship then the decision to have sex with someone else doesn't suddenly demote their relationship to fuck buddies. Isn't the whole point of a fuck buddy that there's no feelings involves?

Open relationship wouldn't be for me, but maybe it's worth considering that different people make different choices before hoiking judgey pants on.

rosesandflowers1 · 12/07/2018 08:04

It depends.

Did you agree that best friends were off limits beforehand?

If so, then yes, out of order. If you didn't it would be out of order to expect your partner to apologise etc. but maybe put a new rule in place.

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