Bereavement- social media etiquette

[Thistledew]

DDad passed away yesterday.

We have been going through the process of informing family and close friends and told most people yesterday but there are some who are elderly who we haven't yet been able to reach. DDad is also moderately well known for something so the national press will probably run an obituary when they are informed.

Given this, AIBU to think a relative should not have posted to social media about his passing before checking with his immediate family that it was ok to do?

Sorry for your loss.

I have been there, my cousin posted on Facebook within a minute of being informed about my own father’s death last year (about 30minutes after he had actually passed) before several other relatives had been informed. I and my sisters were fuming. She posted as if they were close when she hadn’t seen him in 4 years too. 🙄

YANBU, some people just like to make it all about them.

My sister passed away last year following a five month illness.

We were expecting it and everyone knew it was inevitable. The afternoon she passed away I let my 3 best friends and a work colleague know. Of course family friends etc were all informed too.

A couple of hours later an acquaintance posted on my fb wall. My sisters illness hadnt been discussed or alluded to on fb ever as she was very private.

The acquaintance posted "sorry for the loss of your sister. Cancer is a fucker."

I had never discussed her illness with this woman. We do live in a small village so of course it was common knowledge.

A friend then messaged me telling me it was on social media. I asked acquaintance to delete her message and by this stage there was about 10 comments below it.

I hate social media.

I am sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry OP...I agree no one should post on social media, especially so soon after his death. I actually found out that my grandmother had died via Facebook as a cousin had posted before my parents had a chance to tell me...she died in the night and they didn't want to wake me, he posted at 4am and that was the first thing I saw when I woke up. He didn't even go to the funeral, and I found it really upsetting!

I had the same experience when my mother died and I was still trying to inform people. I was furious and wrote a rather bitchy note to the people concerned.

Some people have no manners, compassion or common sense.

Sorry for your loss OP We has the same when my lovely Dad died, his brother (who hadn't even bothered to call us) posted on Facebook while we were still ringing found immediate family to tell them.
Imbeciles.

Same thing with my mother who died in the early hours. Following morning, I met up with my sibling to work through the list of people to call. Unconnected, a distant relative just happened to call me randomly at that time to complain about how unreasonable another relative was being.

Explained what'd happened and that I was calling people to let them know. Only problem was my mostly deaf grandmother who at 90 gets confused and distressed easily but lives 2 hours drive away. Being sleep deprived and upset, I couldn't face it that day. I called her daughter (my aunt - lives in the next town over) to ask if she'd go to tell her in person.

30 mins before she'd had a chance to make it over, Gran found out that her daughter had died when she logged into Facebook for her morning dose of "how's the family getting on?". Distant relative somehow felt the urgent and pressing need to tell everyone in the world how sad she was that a relative she hadn't seen in over 10 years had died in such a terrible way.

Social media is a fucking menace sometimes. A million times over, YANBU

Sorry for your loss

Last year I found out about my grandfather's death because an attention seeking relative posted about it on FB about 20 minutes after he'd passed away.

Later that day, a young cousin decided it was tasteful to post "Goodbye Grampy, heaven has gained a beautiful angel" followed by a string of crying emojis. She hadn't bothered to visit him in the four years he was ill.

Social media plus attention seeking friends and relatives make for a bad combination at times of bereavement.

I have a friend who found out from social media her Dad had died, that made it worse for her I think.

I think people should not post anything unless they know the people immediately connected are okay with it.

It's in such poor taste to post on SM, especially if you're not the immediate / closest part of the family.

The people who post are often attention seekers.

I have a girl on my FB whose father was a violent alcoholic the whole time we were at school together. He died the year we took our GCSE's and every year she does a massive post about him being so amazing and everyone flocks to offer her support. It does my head in because she spent half her childhood at my house because of him being so bloody awful!

I'm dreading this.

I have a relative who posts very attention seeking posts on FB. She has posted photos of a sick relative still out from surgery on bloody Facebook. I have told certain family members that when the inevitable happens (I am very close to them), I need to be told first because if other person is told, and she is also an executor, she will have it on FB within seconds and I do not want to find out that way. I can see it happening though as she is already a grief thief because she likes the attention it gets.

Sorry for your loss OP

Totally agree with you on the social media front. I found out my grandad had died because my cousin posted about it on facebook. I had been at work and my mum was waiting until I got home to tell me. Lots of other relatives hadn't been told either, everyone was pretty pissed at cousin for doing it.

So sorry for your loss

I think if you aren't a spouse, sibling, or child of the deceased, you don't post on social media until they do. And hope they tell each other as needed first.
I found out my uncle died when two of his children posted on FB, but as they'd ensured my mum, his other siblings and their other siblings had been phoned, I think that's reasonable (he had about 20 niece/nephews and 30 grand/great grand children old enough to see FB and no-one was going to be able to phone them all before the funeral).
More recently I've received FB messages about a friend dying, and asking if I could let others know but no posts until the family did.

My 13 year old niece posted on Instagram on the anniversary of my sister’s death about how much she was hurting on her auntie’s anniversary. My sister died 7 years before my attention-seeking niece was born. The term grief thief springs to mind.

When fil died, we had a phone call to go immediately to the hospital as the end was really near. We were too late when we got there, but arrived within 10 minutes. Mil phoned her sister to let her know and she put it on fb immediately without being asked too. Within half an hour the vicar arrived to do the last rites and while he was doing that, 3 phones beeped (probably about 10 of us in the room), people sending condolences. It was dreadful and felt really intrusive. We live in a small town and our family is quite well known, but the whole world did not need to know that quickly and it felt really intrusive that every one knew before we even had a chance to tell our and other less immediate family.
There’s a similar birth thread at the moment, grandparents posting the news before it has been officially announced. It’s just so rude. If it isn’t your news, then don’t tell it!