To think children's friendships shouldn't depend on if the parents like each other?

[Rosie342]

I used to frequently talk to other mother's on the school playground. Recently I have stopped standing with them and go into school just as the bell is going to avoid them. This is because about 2 weeks ago conversation turned to immigration because of a new family moving into our small village from Syria. Some of the comments where horrible I.e "send them back where they came from" etc and I just don't want to be around people who think like that. I wouldn't say we were friends with each other and never talked outside the playground but now my eldest DD has told me she's been left out by their daughters. One of the girls has a birthday in a few weeks, DD has always been invited but she has come home telling me she isn't this year, everyone except her is. I feel this is because I've stopped standing with the other mother's and I feel it's a bit unfair and mean spirited. AIBU to think that a child's friendship shouldn't depend on if the parents get along? There are plenty of parents (and kids) I've not liked too much, but have never left them out of parties when my DD wants them there or a full class has been invited.

How old are the DCs?

You're right. it shouldn't make a difference.

They're 7

Going on 8

That’s how primary school works with some parents in my experience. How old is your daughter? I find it’s got better as my kids have got older.

I was going to say that parents falling out can affect one to one friendships because when they are young the arrangements for outside school stuff has to be made between the adults. Can be awkward.

It's OTT that it's gone as far as your child being left out of a whole class party though.

YANBU, that's very petty and unkind of the others - and not fair on their kids either.

Are you sure it's not a miscommunication? If you're not seeing the parent; maybe she was handing out invites in the playground and your DDs got taken into school to be given and got mislaid?

It shouldn't matter but it does.

Have you been giving these people the cold shoulder? Ignoring their glances or hellos?

My family are bigoted and homophobic but I manage to be polite to them.

It shouldn’t but it does with some people. My daughter who is slightly older has struggled in her year group. I can never make up my mind whether the other mums have really just gelled as a friendship group or if they are cliquey. Either way the result was the same with my daughter rarely invited to play dates and never sleepovers. I tried making an effort with them for a year and half but realised there had been no impact and stopped. Things have improved in year 5 as they seem to have more independence at this age and their own voice.

@laiste I hope so. I'll ask DD at the end of today if she's been given anything. I never thought of that.

@speakout I've never do that, it's just rude. I say hello and smile just don't want to join in their conversations anymore after the racist comments I heard.

Unfortunately this does happen in primary. I was shocked at the immaturity at ours. I think they come unstuck in secondary as interestingly ime the kids with parents like this seem to struggle the most with friendships later on.

That said would you really want your child in that environment,I wouldn't.

Did you call them out on it? You should be proud if you did,not apologetic. I'd never just smile and nod at racism.

Or homophobia.

Just because the woman doesn't want UK to be even more overcrowded doesn't necessarily mean she's racist. However, you don't have to speak to them if you don't want to and it shouldn't make a difference to the children's friendships but unfortunately it does as playgrounds are cliquey.

@sugarisamazing that was the nicest thing she said about this family who she had never talked to. She went on about them bombing us, assumptions about their religion and other general nasty, stereotypical comments.
@p3onypenny I did say I didn't agree with what was said and I wasn't going to discuss such things as I didn't know them and wouldn't make assumptions. I said that I disagreed and left it at that. I'm not going to have an argument with another mother in the playground. I disagree with any form of discrimination, I think it's abhorrent. You're right I don't want my child in a toxic environment, but I also don't want her left out because her mother doesn't agree with the others.

I think this is quite common really (the parents/friends thing). I was quite friendly with some mums at school, then their children all became great friend and so did the mums and I ended up left out more because my child played more with others. Now mine is pretty friendly with one of them and that little group seems to not be as tight as they once were so the mums seem more chatty again.

It can be easier to meet up as friends if your children are also friends but to deliberately exclude from parties is just plain petty and I wouldn't want to be friends with people like that.