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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my father is a useless pillock?

24 replies

Kewcumber · 27/05/2007 20:15

Oooooh - have always wanted to ask AIBU?

My father's mother is 90 this year and he decided to ask my brother to arrange a lunch party for her. Didn't ask anyone else's opinion about it just went ahead and booked everything and sent invites out. This is despite the fact that his sister and her family live near my Grandma, take her shopping every week, make sure she is OK etc. My father goes to see her maybe once a month.

OK sightly unreasonable not to ask his sister's opinion/get her involved but not a disaster maybe....

but....

got my invite and sadly I can't go because of when he has chosen (no problem will go down another day with my sister), think no more of it....

then discover....

he is charging everyone who says they want to come!!!!!

No mention on the invites. My cousin can't afford it and is borrowing the money from her brother. They are close to my gran, have no choice about venue, date, cost etc but they have to pay whatever he decides.

So AIBU? Is he a pillock?

OP posts:

Aitch · 27/05/2007 20:16

hooooooooh yes he is...

colditz · 27/05/2007 20:17

Pillock city

Original poster

Kewcumber · 27/05/2007 20:17

so I'm not being biased by the fact that he is generally a pillock - he is really being a specific pillock in this case?

OP posts:

southeastastra · 27/05/2007 20:17

a bit but men don't think like that do they. why can't you go?

Original poster

Kewcumber · 27/05/2007 20:18

my lovely sister has decided that she will pay for my aunts family she is so horrified by his behaviour

OP posts:

JackieNo · 27/05/2007 20:18

. No, not unreasonable at all, I don't think - he is definitely being a pillock. How strange to arrange something like this without consulting people, and then not make it clear in advance he wants them to pay for it. IMO, if someone sends you an invitation, they are proposing to pay for whatever they're inviting you to.

Original poster

Kewcumber · 27/05/2007 20:21

its a four hour drive and I can't go down with DS and back same day it would be torture! Am taking a day off in the week instead when I have childcare and my mum can put him to bed for me.

My sister isn;t going because she says she can;t be in the same room as my father for more than 30 mins.

My aunt just keeps saying "it't nothing to do with me but Mammy gets distressed in big groups as she can't hear anything"...

Happy families anyone?

OP posts:

Original poster

Kewcumber · 27/05/2007 20:23

I thought it odd Jackie - fair enough he may not be able to afford to pay for everyone going (about 25 I think) but:

a) if you;re not going to pay, surely you don;t get to decide all the detials
b) at what point exactly does he ask for the money - is it like ticketmaster and you have to produce a creidt card when you ring to confirm?

OP posts:

Aitch · 27/05/2007 20:24

well, i don't think he'd necessarily being a pillock for expecting people to pay... in our family if we go out for a birthday we just split the bill and exclude the birthday person and their partner. but making the arrangements without consultation and therefore choosing a date, restaurant etc that is tricky/too expensive for some people is pillockish in the extreme.

foxinsocks · 27/05/2007 20:24

yes, charging for a family party is definitely classed as extreme pillock behaviour

is it in a restaurant? if so, surely he could have just told people that (and they would have known they'd be paying for a meal).

JackieNo · 27/05/2007 20:25

My thoughts exactly. Should be a joint decision, if he's not actually throwing (and paying for) the party.

Original poster

Kewcumber · 27/05/2007 20:29

I agree Aitch - wouldn't expect him to pay for everyone and we don't generally do that in our family. It's the thoughtlessness I object to . My Aunt and family do most of the wrok for my gran and didn;t even know he was planning this!

My Aunt thinks she (my gran) would prefer a birthday tea at home with everyone leaving after tea and cakes.

OP posts:

southeastastra · 27/05/2007 20:30

in a sense though it seems as if his heart was in the right place. maybe he can't afford to pay for everyone.

Aitch · 27/05/2007 20:30

i know what i'd prefer if i was 90. can you just tell him to cancel it and stop being such a pillock?

Original poster

Kewcumber · 27/05/2007 20:30

I think he is "grandstanding", bizarrely is planning on taking his new partners family (all adults over 40) whom he has known for a couple of years and who have never met my gran!

I think he is showing off.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kewcumber · 27/05/2007 20:33

SEA - I don;t have a problem wiht him not paying. Its the arranging it in an expensive hotel and not consulting anyone and then not telling them in the invite that they woud be expected to pay. That side of the family just don't have £30 each to throw around, so my cousins are not bringing theor partners or children because they can;t afford to whereas his partners childrne who don;t know my gran are all going.

I think its odd.

OP posts:

Paddlechick666 · 27/05/2007 20:34

QC, UANBU!

Original poster

Kewcumber · 27/05/2007 20:34

tis too late now Aitch - booked and planned for June. I had no idea he was going to charge everyone (wasn;t mentioned on the invites) until my Aunt told my sister.

My brother organised it and he is as big a pillock for not realising the problems it owuld cause.

Duh, men!

OP posts:

Original poster

Kewcumber · 27/05/2007 20:37

Paddle! Had I already told you this one? Only found out a couple of days ago pillock!

OP posts:

Aitch · 27/05/2007 20:37

you can still cancel it though... he'll just lose a deposit, that's all.

Original poster

Kewcumber · 27/05/2007 20:39

oh that would be fab Aitch (though no doubt he would charge everyone for the deposit!)

I'm desparately trying to stay out of it on the grounds that I'm not going therefore have sort of rendered myself opinion-less. But I feel for my Aunt and her family.

OP posts:

Aitch · 27/05/2007 20:39

it's your gran's birthday, if sh'e going to get upset about the numbers of people there then you have to tell him, i really do think. it's not fair, she'll be exhausted.

Aitch · 27/05/2007 20:41

but if you did sandwiches and a fancy tea at someone's house then you could arrange a date to suit? i really think that given she's 90 years old she should get something that suits her rather than your father...

Paddlechick666 · 27/05/2007 20:48

QC, yeah you mentioned it but i never realised he'd gone this far!

grandstanding is the right word IMO.

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