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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral speech

21 replies

Marymarg · 10/07/2018 19:52

I'm due to give a talk at a funeral this Thursday and I'm already very anxious about it.
He was a very good friend so I'd like to do it but I suffer with social anxiety anyway so the thought of it is freaking me out.

It's all written out, its 3 minutes long and I've practised but as it gets nearer I'm terrified!
I'm scared I'll have a panic attack or just cry.
WIBU to ask someone else to read it for me if I really feel i can't?

OP posts:
TheArtfulScreamer · 10/07/2018 20:26

I did my dad's eulogy I practised it and practised it to try and take the emotion out of it, I also recorded myself reading it so I could listen to myself over and over and I found this helped. I managed to get through it with my voice only breaking slightly on the last line. My brother also did a eulogy and he did break down mid way through but my mum found some mum strength from somewhere and stood beside him reading with him until he regained his composure. The clergy lady was on stand by to take over reading if we really couldn't get through them. I also found it best to focus on the back of the room rather than make eye contact to much with people.
Just do your best if you can't manage it it's no problem people forgive you when it's a funeral, good luck.

Lightshines · 10/07/2018 20:38

Hi Marymarg. I am a funeral celebrant and sympathise with your dilemma. It is a very difficult thing to do, and I can understand why you are feeling anxious.
A few things occur to me, which may help -

People will not be upset or disappointed if you cry - but if you are inconsolable it will be uncomfortable for them, they won’t want you to feel you have to put yourself through the anxiety.

So -
Ask a friend or family member to accompany you when you stand up to read. Agree beforehand that they will do the following for you:

  1. If you start to get upset, they will give you some kind of gentle reassurance - a touch on the shoulder, hold your hand, say something soothing.
  2. If you begin to cry and/or lose confidence, they will ask you if you want to continue and give you time to compose yourself if you do.
  3. If you don’t feel able to continue, they will finish the reading on your behalf.

You could also ask the officiant if they would continue reading if you can’t.

Having said all that, I have officiated at many, many funerals and have only once seen someone unable to finish their contribution. She was a teenager who had never been to a funeral before, so it was a big ask for her. Everyone else seems to falter when the emotion wells up - then a deep breath and a pause allows them to gather themselves to carry on.

A funeral is not a performance. You will be surrounded by people who loved and cared for your friend, they won’t be there to judge you.

Hope that helps - good luck.

sirmione16 · 10/07/2018 20:41

A lovely post by the above poster. Also one I completely agree with. Confide in someone that you may struggle, and ask if you can't continue could they continue on your behalf. You can always stand beside them or the like. Best wishes

MsVestibule · 10/07/2018 20:42

I was coming on to offer support but then read lightshines post and certainly couldn't better that!

Do you have a trusted friend who could stand by you?

Original poster
Marymarg · 10/07/2018 20:47

Thank you everyone. Yes I have a few people as back up if I struggle.
Sometimes I think, yeah I can do this! Then other times I'm a bundle of nerves.
It didn't help a friend pointing out how hard it would be when I see the actual coffin.
I'm thinking of cutting bits out & shortening it to 2 mins.
Thanks again.

OP posts:
goldwrapped · 10/07/2018 20:49

Exactly what @Lightshines said. What lovely words.
It's tough, I do it for a job and I still get emotional. But it's the most wonderful thing too.
Good luck Thanks

Lightshines · 18/07/2018 22:27

Hello Marymarg. I am preparing for a funeral and you popped into my head.
How did it go?

Original poster
Marymarg · 18/07/2018 23:23

It went really well. I was so scared right up until the morning, then I saw his coffin & just thought, this is for you.
I also remembered your advice but the main one for me was about a funeral Isn't a performance.
I did nearly cry once but took a deep breath.
I was so happy that I did it for him & everyone said how lovely it was.

Thankyou for your advice & asking me how it went :)

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 18/07/2018 23:27

I have sung at many funerals (and weddings) and only once seen a son too overcome to continue speaking. I guess plans had been made for this; the lady celebrant simply stepped up, took over the script and finished. Nobody thought any the less of him for it; clearly, it had been a close and loving relationship. And funnily, if you know the back up is there - you'll find you don't need it! One other tip I use as a singer; scope out the space and find something just above the congregation's head to focus on; lifting your head will help your voice to carry, and if you don't catch anyone's eye, you won't see anybody "tearing up"

Original poster
Marymarg · 18/07/2018 23:35

I asked my mum to read it for me the day before as I was getting so stressed, knowing she would took the pressure off me. But I also knew I had to do it, this was the final thing I could do for my friend.
I was strangely calm when it came to doing it and very proud I had after.
As you say, knowing you have backup takes the pressure off.

OP posts:
heywhatsgoingon · 19/07/2018 00:15

Go to the doctors and gets some Valium - it reduces your anxiety and will help you get through it - honestly

BIWI · 19/07/2018 00:19

FFS read the whole thread @heywhatsgoingon

It's already happened. Just a touch insensitive, don't you think?

Rebecca36 · 19/07/2018 04:00

You will be fine Marymarg. On the day it will all come together, trust me. I've done it and was terribly nervous but it went well.

Good luck and tell us how you get on.

gussiefox · 19/07/2018 07:58

OP has already done that several hours ago.

redcarbluecar · 19/07/2018 08:07

OP good for you. I’m so pleased it went well. I imagine your words were very touching and meant a lot to the family. Sorry to hear you’ve lost your friend.

Gottokondo · 19/07/2018 08:14

My unclle asked his wife to read it for him. He wrote a beautiful peace and she read it very well.

twoshedsjackson · 19/07/2018 08:18

Well done, OP - and well done Op's Mum for being a great backup! Funerals can be an ordeal, but there is something consoling in knowing that you did the best you could for your friend, and gave them a good send-off!

NewIdeasToday · 19/07/2018 08:28

Well done for doing this. It sounds like it was hard but you must feel proud of yourself that you did the right thing for your friend and hopefully you were able to share some happier memories of him which will have helped everyone at the service. Sorry for your loss and hope you’re feeling ok today.

Original poster
Marymarg · 19/07/2018 11:43

Thanks all. Yes I got a few laughs but not sure about tears, I didn't look up.
My friend would have loved it.

OP posts:
Lightshines · 19/07/2018 22:22

I’m pleased to hear it went well, Marymarg. Of course funerals are sad, but also an opportunity to gather together and remember the good times. I’m sure you did your friend proud. I am sorry for your loss and wish you strength for the days ahead.

Original poster
Marymarg · 20/07/2018 06:36

@lightshines thankyou.

OP posts:
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