Step daughter hate

[Stepdaughtertroubles]

I’m in a horrible mess! I suffer from anxiety and although I manage it well certain situations tip me beyond my medication and I really can’t let go. Today is one of those days.

I have a stepdaughter aged 15. Been with her dad 4years, he’s been split from her mum for 6 years. We’ve never had a close bond but I’ve tried and tried. Everything in the book, from taking her out to leaving her alone, nothings made us closer. There’s no open unpleasantness just an underlying feeling of awkward. I can deal with that she’s a teen and I have choices to keep on trying or make myself scarce and I do both regularly.

Difficult bit here, I’ve heard from her mum that she hates me! Obvs not first hand but from a very trustworthy source. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve hate. She hates me for not just one reason. I can’t deal with it. I’m an adult and I should be able to rise above it and get on with life, I can’t and I can’t stop worrying about it. You’ll say the mum is bitter, which she is, but I tend to believe her.

I want to have a good relationship with DSD is this unreasonable?

Teens often often people. As step mum your an easy scapegoat for teenage mardyness.

It’s not unreasonable but maybe think of it that she didn’t choose to have you in her life. Some people just don’t click and nothing forced will help that. You are two random people thrown together by her father there was always a chance you or her wouldn’t like the other. You say there’s no nastyness just awkwardness so I’d just carry on as you are. Things may still change between you in time

Hate people

As a SD myself I'd say stop trying to hard - just let it be. There is no natural bond between step relatives and IME the only way to get to some sort of mutual respect and happiness is to just chill out and let time pass. If you show yourself to be a decent human being, in time your SD may come round, and if she doesn't, well more fool her. But seriously, stop trying so hard. Teens hate adults who try to suck up to them and who make a huuuuge effort. Just be cool. Be pleasant, but just let her be. And if discipline is needed, let her dad do it.

I’m really not over the top with her, I’ve seen little of her recently as she’s been super moody so I make sure I see friends when shes around. I can’t do that forever.

Teens hate lots of things. And people. As a teen, I would have hated with a passion anyone that either of my parents had a relationship with. It's probably not personal, and really, as you say, you're an adult. If you can say, hand on heart that you are not unkind to her and you have made efforts to be inclusive and approachable then I think it's fine to step back and ride it out. She might like you as she gets older, she might always resent you and wish you weren't there. You can't control that. As long as you've genuinely never given her reason to dislike you personally, you can do no more.

If I have ever given her reason to hate me I don’t know about it. I exist, that appears to be enough. She gets loads of time with her dad alone, I certainly don’t take him away from her.

My step daughter was a teen when I met her father. She would walk the dog when I called to say dinner was ready. She would ignore me when we saw each other, only being polite when her father was around. This went on for two years. And then, after me just giving her lifts, being nice, not pushing her, she changed. Now we are close. She talks to me about her issues. We have a lot in common! She adores our son. I have no doubt there are times she bad mouths me to her mother. But you know what? It doesn't mean anything. She's a teenager. They hate everyone. As a step daughter myself, I can be sure she will grow out of it. Try not to take it personally. It really isn't

First of all, try not to take it personally, teenagers hate everyone and everything half the time! It’s not really hate, I would bet that she’s just projecting her feelings towards her dad and her parents marriage breakdown onto you, but she’s not emotionally mature enough to understand this. She possibly also feels like she has to show her mum loyalty, not because she’s been told too, just because she loves her and cares about her.

I think, whilst you shouldn’t avoid her or try too hard, one thing that may help, is to demonstrate that you care. So for example, if you’re aware that she is crazy about a certain band or whatever, maybe, for her birthday or just a one off surprise, you buy her tickets, and leave them in her bedroom with a note saying you know she likes, so please enjoy. If you don’t give her them directly, that doesn’t put her in a position to feel forced to respond a certain way, and instead gives her time to think and digest. I think little guestures that show you listen and care and are interested (doesn’t all have to come in the form of gifts of course!) will get through to her. Actions speak louder than words and all that! With time, as she gets a little older, she’ll start to change.

Is there a possibility that she’s saying what her mum might like to hear?

And yes, teenagers hate everyone and everything and it changes almost hourly. Just keep going on. Be pleasant and interested in her life but not too much.

Tough one.

Stop trying to please her, she's a teenager and needs a hate figure.
There's nothing you can do but keep your dignity and let her stew.

There must be plenty in your life a good deal more interesting?

'Blended' families are complex. My DD feels the same way as you do - but in reverse. She used to ask me again and again why her SM didn't like her or more upsetting to hear, she would ask me what had she done wrong. But the answer is just that my DD exists

Oh gosh yes she probably hates her mother too, and her dad, and all her teachers, and all her friends.

Keep your dignity and keep dreaming about coming out the other side

Well, you've got the dreaded "step mum" title.
You're plunged into the red with her mother; there is tension and ill feelings so she is likely to pick up on that, as well as whatever her mum tells her (probably painting you as the enemy as you say she's bitter) and naturally siding with her.

Of course it's NU to at least want to get on decently well with DSD as she is apart of your OH's life, I suggest being with DH as well when you hang out with her so you both have some familiarity and it isn't so tense, maybe try to do something fun together you all enjoy in your home (a movie, board game).

She could over time feel more comfortable in a fun, relaxed setting that way as it doesn't seem like a desperate attempt at getting her to spend time with you just because you're there or anything that's too in her face then.

Christ, she's fifteen, I hated everyone at that age. I can guarantee if I'd had a stepmother, I'd have made her life hell.

Not proud of this btw and absolutely dreading DS becoming a teenager and karma biting my arse

Ah this is so hard for you.

Teens are quite difficult at the best of times. Pull right back but also know what you're prepared to accept.

Perhaps there are other things going on with her? It all hits teens at once. Don't take it personally and wait it out if you can.

Good luck OP

Thinking about it, I mostly hated myself and took it out on everyone else. How's her self esteem?

Stop making an effort ? Be civil but no more

She might grow out of this but not unreasonable to defend your own well being and not allow her opportunities to make you feel shit