Would you ever kick your adult kid out?

[BrownTrowsers]

Say if you'd had years of bad behaviour, coming in all hours, stealing, drugs, violence, bad language, disrespectful behaviour and the latest one - police involvement for relations with very young girls. He's 17. 18 in Feb. DH is basically saying he can't live with him anymore, I don't want to either but don't think I could actually throw him out. What if it became a choice between him and DH? I've thrown him out before and it broke my heart, I felt guilty and took him back.

It's a tricky one. We had a patient once a 16 year old boy who was similar and had left home sleeping on his uncles sofa and god knows where else.

He got stabbed by some friends re drugs etc in the street and sadly died. 17 is a funny age nearly a man but still a boy, but not much fun to live with if you cant control him no mater how hard you try.
I feel for you, him and your DH.
I honestly don't know what I'd do.

I would want to throw him out to teach him a lesson.
But I would feel bad and try and change him by having him back.

Is his other parent on the scene? I remember feeling very very resentful that my Dh's ex was living peacefully in a nice apartment with her fella, whilst l was having to put up with her horrible adult son who all but destroyed DH and my relationship. Dh wouldn't hear of sending him to his mums even for a weekend. He certainly wouldn't have even considered throwing him out or even setting a deadline.

Sorry 😐 your going through this we came close last year with dd then 17 turns out he had mH issues however al through that he always worked and did education

Those are my red lines

Drugs -out
Unwilling to work - out
Not taking MH medication- out

These things would make it untenable for him to live here we have younger children but to be honest I won’t be scared in my own home

I think often also them moving out gives space for a better relationship I know many people who have endured years of hell and once the manchild moves out the relationship improves

A- they realise quickly know one else will tolerate their horse shit

B- learn they are not as smart as they think they bloody are

C- gives parents a chance to breath in every way

When you say ‘very young girls’ just how young are we talking?

Yes I would if it was that bad.

13-14

Any other kids in the house? If so you need to think of the safeguarding concerns for them which may make your decision slightly easier.

If you do decide to put him out he would need to report to your local authority and declare himself homeless

Difficult decision either way, but for how long do you accept his behaviour and his impact on your life - he is old enough to know better, but clearly doesn’t care.

Could you engage with some support around his behaviour, Early Help for example?

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Yes and I did, at 16. When I found drugs in my house I had to protect the younger siblings.
The drugs were the final straw. It crucified me doing it but it needed doing.

I wouldnt have a paedophile under my roof.

I've come very close , but fear that if I did it would send her down an even worse path as I think her behaviour is linked to insecurity and abandonment issues caused by her father .

It was a very tough 4/5 years but we do seem to be coming out the other side.

My friend told her DD to move out though as her DD was injecting drugs and stealing from her , unfortunately it didn't make her turn her life round and my friend now has custody of her grandchildren.

My 16yr old knows I'll do it, and I will.
I will not live with what went on before.

She seems to have turned a corner, and I am her biggest fan, I'm always here for her, but treat me, our home, or our pets badly and you're out, for both our sakes.

I think you have to. I'm sorry.

Also I would be making it clear if you even see him anywhere near any girl under the age of 16 you will be ringing the police yourself

For the grooming and sexual abuse of underage girls, yes

And I would be reporting him to the police

It sounds as though it won't be long before he gets a prison sentence, to be honest, OP.

Are there any times at all when he will talk to you normally?

The police are already involved, AF.

YES I could imagine throwing him out.
I need more detail... is he stealing from you? Is he threatening violence against anyone in the home? Is he rowing with others all the time? Those are my red lines.

Disrespect & bad-tempered & slovenly I could probably put up with... but maybe not. My brothers were (thieving nasty threatening) drug addicts & she wrestled with this too, for yrs, I don't want to be like that.

Dont put up with that id throw him out causing stress

DH threw DSS1 out at 18 when he stole anything that wasn't nailed down, including DH's wedding ring from his first marriage, his army discharge papers and emptied his bank account. We allowed him back at 20 when DS was a baby and we had moved to a new house away from the bad influences he had associated with before, but after a few months it was back to having to take my handbag to bed and not being able to leave cash lying around the house, so he was asked to leave again. It was difficult and I do feel as though the issues he has had since could have been mitigated if he had been living at home, but he has never worked and has had both his children removed by social services

OP are you getting support? Troubled families or a family support worker, if you don't have a disk worker does he have any contact with the youth offending team? Lots of them do preventative work or out of court disposal work with children before they get convictions as well as after, they have good multi agency resources usually. It's worth calling them or social care before making any decisions, they can also help him find semi supported accommodation if he really can't stay with you, if he is suddenly homeless he will end up in a hostel and whilst he seems frightening to you, he'll be like a goldfish in a shark tank there.

*social not disk worker

From what you've written op, yes I'd be seriously considering it. It would break my heart to do so, but there has to be a line.

I'm a police officer and see so often the kind of young men you have described, they are often at a huge amount of risk and danger and are much less likely to be able to get a job etc without a fixed abode. Their drug abuse gets worse, their offending gets worse, their health gets worse and their vulnerability gets worse. I have seen young adults thrown out of the home for relatively minor things and it has quickened their steep decline into the drain, and I have never understood why any parent would do that.

With all that said, you are living with a sex offender, and that does change things.
I feel for each of you.

This was exactly my fear Basil which was why I chose not to kick my DD out . However , I can understand why some parents do, sometimes they have no choice, especially when there are younger siblings.

It's a shame that there are limited amounts of help out there before it gets to this stage . I was 'lucky' to be offered MST therapy which helped.

It's a shit situation and watching a child of yours go steadily downhill is heartbreaking.