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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH's ex to tell us when DSD has head lice?

64 replies

Emprexia · 27/05/2007 19:22

This is an on-going arguement and i'm after some input.

Twice before we've gone to pick up my step-daughter from her mothers and have found out roughly 3 or 4 hours later, that my SD has head-lice!!!

As far as i'm concerned, i feel that its ex's responsibility to tell us that she has them, bearing in mind i have waist-length hair, and not just that, i feel we shouldn't be picking her up until ex has de-loused her!!

DH doesn't agree, as i don't necessarily come into close enough contact with SD unless we're both at the computer for them to transfer - he doesn't think it should matter, and as it happens, i've never gotten them after a visit, but i don't think thats the point.

AIBU??

OP posts:
NKF · 27/05/2007 20:22

Cat64 - I think you're right. Some children seem more prone to them than others.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 27/05/2007 20:22

Sorry but I've just clocked that she's 14

In that case, it's her own responsibility to do her own hair imo. At least it will be my DD's when she's that age.

NKF · 27/05/2007 20:23

Funny how we all thought it was a younger child. I thought nit infestations pretty much stopped when children reached teens. That said, I caught them from my daughter.

Eve · 27/05/2007 20:27

...we had a leeter home from reception recently saying if they have nits keep them at home.

...thought ...suspect ... reading betwen lines, not all parents are treatingt them and a couple of kids constantly infected is spreading to the rest of the class.

scorpio1 · 27/05/2007 20:28

bonkerz - thats a good idea....

talcy0 · 27/05/2007 20:29

I agree completely Kaishay. My sd didn't want to say once, her mujm dropped her off and could have mentioned it....in fact she said to dsd...don't worry, it will be ok!!!

i questioned sd then and she shrugged it off.
days later i spot a louse crawling down sd's forehead.

Took me a week to get rid of them for her... and then sort the rest of us out.

Why couldn't her mum have had aquick word?

Doh!

sorry, bit of a rant there

bonkerz · 27/05/2007 20:31

well the suggestion worked for us and TBH we were spending close to £20-£30 per month sometimes!
I know the oil thing works and the conditioner thing BUT DSD was infested and EX was combing through once a week! In the end i had to tell EX that if she used proper stuff once then combed every other day it would be fine and luckily it has been ever since!!!
Must say though a 14 year old with nits is not right!

NKF · 27/05/2007 20:32

Seriously though - are all these arguments about lice between exes and current spouses really about the relationship between the adults? It all sounds a bit petty to me so I'm assuming there must be more to it. Or do some people get really distressed by lice?

SofiaAmes · 27/05/2007 20:33

cat64, I don't think it's luck at all. I spend 10-20 minutes everyday checking and tying up my dd's hair...(ds has a skinhead), and as a virtually single (my dh lives in another country at the moment) working mother with 2 young children, that's a lot of time for me!!
Saying that there is a problem in the home where sd lives isn't judgemental, it's reality. The reality being that no matter how much combing and treating happens on the weekends, it's not going to make a difference because the re-catching happens in the home where she lives during the week. And that's where the problem needs to be resolved. And yes, maybe it isn't resolvable as it sounds like in your case. But in some cases (like my own and scorpio1's) it is resolvable when the issue of when the issue of where and how it's being contracted and not treated is dealt with.

talcy0 · 27/05/2007 20:34

I lways ask sd now when she comes to stay.....and i offer to check hers (she's 16 now) when i do my 2 dd.
She's never offended and nearly always takes me up on the offer,(find it really hard to do her own)

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 27/05/2007 20:36

NKF I have a sneaking suspicion it's about the adults. No-one can get this uptight about lice can they, except perhaps the first time they encounter them

How can you possibly have been spending £30 a month? A bottle of conditioner costs £1 and three or four times a week should be enough to get lice under control. What do you mean by "proper stuff"?

SofiaAmes · 27/05/2007 20:39

nkf, I think it's both. I personally am distressed by nits as a concept, but also from a health point of view. My dsd had bleeding and scabs and bald spots from scratching her nits, poor thing. And the sad thing is that in her case, part of the reason that her mother didn't treat them was to use them as a way of getting at me and dh. I know that the vast majority of mothers are not as evil as dh's ex, but clearly it can be used as a tool and it's disrespectful to not consider how others feel about it.
Although, having said that, I agree that sometimes you just don't know that it's going to bother someone else .... the first time, after that it's just disrespectful. When I first moved from the uk to california with my 2 little ones, I didn't not realize that if your child had a runny nose or even a mild cold, you would be expected to cancel a playdate, or at least give the other parent a chance to do so. I didn't find this to be the case in the uk.

talcy0 · 27/05/2007 20:41

It's deff a fair bit about the adults....
unfotunately at the children's expense

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 27/05/2007 20:42

God that must be such a PITA.

That does sound a bit neurotic to me tbh, having to cancel a playdate at the first sign of a sniff. Do they keep their kids off school as well?

bonkerz · 27/05/2007 20:43

by proper stuff i mean hedrin etc. thats what kills the bugs dead. Conditioning is fine BUT only when used regularly. In our case EX was only combing thourgh once a week so the bugs never went away! We used hedrin every weekend so she went home NIT free in the hope EX would keep up the nit free head! This didnt happen as EXs older daughter had them too so DSD would be reinfected and the whole thing would continue. It was hard for us to comb as DSD only with us at weekends.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 27/05/2007 20:44

What is hedrin?

Is it some kind of chemical treatment?

bonkerz · 27/05/2007 20:44

also i am a childminder and if i got them or my DS got them we would have to inform mindees and we had been informing them every monday for 4 weeks! In the end it got abit embarrassing!!!

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 27/05/2007 20:45

This is why mediaval women wore veils, I'm convinced of it

cat64 · 27/05/2007 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Emprexia · 27/05/2007 21:21

to clear it up, sd has two younger half-sisters, one is 9, the other is 5. She catches them off them.

SD does tell us she has them, but i dont think its an unreasonable request for her mother to let us know they have a current lice problem when we phone to tell them we're on our way to fetch her - in part so i know i need to tie my hair back and keep an eye on the baby after she's gone. Also so if needs be we can be prepared to de-louse her ourselves while she's with us.

OP posts:
GiantSquirrelSpotter · 27/05/2007 21:25

I've just googled it but can't make head or tail of it really. It's not an insecticide but has dimeticone and cyclomethicone silicones? Don't know what they are tbh.

I think I'd rather stick to the olive oil/ conditioner and bugbusting method.

NKF · 27/05/2007 21:25

But if SD tells you, you have all the information you need surely.

Original poster
Emprexia · 27/05/2007 21:30

No, because shes embarrassed and only tells us after she's been with us for a couple of hours.

SD may be 14, but trust me, having only two younger sisters that she has to entertain all the time she doesn't behave 14. TBH, in the 6 years i've known her, i really don't think she's matured that much at all.

She's been raised a strict catholic and doesn't socialise with anyone other than the friends her mother approves of were she an a-typical 14yr old, it wouldn't be an issue, but she isn't, she's more like a 10yr old.

OP posts:
NKF · 27/05/2007 21:32

Can't you just ask? Or even assume she'll have them. It just seems pointless to waste energy on whether the ex should have told you.

SofiaAmes · 27/05/2007 21:33

My understanding is that the ONLY way to really get rid of lice is to comb out the eggs and bugs. The poisons just kill the live bugs, but if you don't comb out the eggs, they will just hatch and produce more bugs. Sooooo, you have to comb out all the eggs (this takes hours) and hopefully the bugs as well. If you do this to every member of the household thoroughly everyday for 2 weeks, you will eventually get rid of them. If I remember correctly, once the eggs hatch it takes 2 weeks for the bugs to lay new eggs, so that's why you have to comb for 2 weeks. The chemical treatments just kill the live bugs, but not the unhatched ones. So by just treating once with chemicals there is virtually no way you are going to get them completely unless you are just at the beginning of an infestation and the bugs in your head have not yet laid any eggs.
I got rid of my stepchildren's lice (on holiday) without chemicals, by combing them everyday during the entire 3 week holiday. This is time consuming, but it works. Then, after getting rid of the infestation you have to comb every week and get rid of any bugs that have been picked up before they lay eggs and if they have laid eggs, you get rid of them before they have hatched.
I assure that the above method works....it is just super timeconsuming in the beginning. Pays off in the end. But you MUST do the combing and checking for all members of the household!!!