How do I get support from friends?

[BecauseWeCanCanCan]

Looking for advice here. I'm in the process of being diagnosed with primary progressive MS, basically a pretty shit outlook - it's all a bit unexpected. I have a lovely husband, and fabulous step children, I am very lucky. But my friends are dreadful; I'm trying to reach out and get support, but they seem to ignore what I'm trying to say. It's just down to a few texts which I am initiating, and no real acknowledgement of what I'm saying. Well, no acknowledgement at all to be honest. No phone calls. It's been about two months now.

So here's the thing - when I look back at my life I had a similar thing (with a different group of friends) when I was much younger. I know this sounds odd, but I don't know how to complain / seek support. I'm great at giving it, because I know what I craved, that feeling that people cared and reached out to me, weren't scared to ask about what was going on, and taking the onus on myself to make the running. But there is something about me I think that means I can't seem to get across what a rotten place I'm in.

How do I communicate this? I think I'm trying to be positive and upbeat, and that's maybe blurring the message. I just want some support, I don't want it to be my husband bearing this on his own.

I'm trying with network groups online, and that's great, but as yet there's no history there. And I'm in shock too, I want old friends there with me. It's this weird situation where I feel like I'm behind glass and they can see me mouthing to them but they're not hearing what I'm saying.

I’ve messaged you. I have MS too.

Thanks overtiredandconfused - really appreciate it.

Maybe just be really blunt??

Ask them round for coffee / lunch and then lay it out as you've said above.

One of my friends recently got an MA diagnosis and I was afraid of what to say or being too positive or being too negative or being patronising or not helping enough or expecting too much or not putting too much pressure on her etc etc etc so it was really difficult to know what to do for the best.

A really honest conversation, initiated by her to set out how to approach it / help would have been brilliant.

MS diagnosis

Thanks, that makes sense #FusionChefGeoff

My problem is right now, I don't want to reassure other people, I want them to step up and take some risks. You're right of course.

I don’t thin’ it’s about reassuring them. I suspect you have projected such a capable persona, supporting others etc, that they all think you can cope and don’t know what to offer. Give them a chance. Tell them.

I don't know how to tell them. I mean, I've told them, but now what? I honestly don't have any words. I mean, what do I say beyond I am being disgnosed with progressive MS. There's no treatment. It's a bit shit really. I just feel very lonely like I'm being avoided, or it's being avoided. Gah.

Sending on your diagnosis. Similar situation, friends, family and colleagues blatantly 'ignore' that I have three chronic illnesses that flare-up. I don't want them to be 'gushing' but a little empathy wouldn't go amiss. Recently had 7 weeks off sick and no-one contacted me from work - it's horrible 😢

but something to consider here...do you have the friends you have because you'd rather support them? It may be that they just aren't inclined to behave in the same way as you...just a thought x

Sending you 💐 OP and all the best with your diagnosis and continuing management for your condition.

I have no real advice; I am two years in to a completely life-changing illness and have lost about 80% of my friends. I am very sad about it and really feel I have been through a period of grieving for them (and my 'old life') - I have been angry, upset, numb and everything inbetween.

The only advice I can give you to protect yourself is completely lower your expectations, then hopefully disappointment will be fewer and less painful. I got into the spiral of thinking "if my friend was going through this, I'd do X Y and Z" which just perpetuated my disappointment and made me feel worse. They are not you, and until you have been through something like this you really have no idea what it's like.

I understand how it must be difficult to deal with a friend who has a life changing diagnosis and can't come to/arrange events/even engage on WhatsApp etc when really ill, but I can't help but thinking they should just TRY.

Sadly most people when they don't know what to do just do nothing. I just try to remember that the only thing I can control is my reaction to people/situations. I also try to remember that people aren't doing this to be malicious or out of ill feeling - we are all just wrapped up in our own lives and constant business until something like illness comes along and makes us stop and take stock. People don't get it.

I am so much more grateful for the few friends who have stuck by me and I make sure they know it.

All the best x

I guess what would have helped me to 'step up' better would be my friend taking the bull by the horns and actually voicing it all - so I knew she knew it was all that fear of doing / saying the wrong thing rather than me not caring that kept me distant.

So you say 'look, friend, I know this is a lot to deal with and you're probably in the dark about what to say or do - but I really need a friend right now so please don't be frightened about saying the wrong thing. Just send me a message, check in, ask me if I'm ok and don't be offended if I can't / don't reply but it will mean a lot to me either way.

And then maybe some specifics depending on what practically that friend could do 'and I know you batch cook so if you ever fancied chucking an extra pack of mince in I'd be really grateful for some freezer meals' or 'could you pick DC up on a Tuesday and have for tea' or 'can you still invite me out for lunch / dinner / hobby even if I say no all the time just so I know I can if I feel up to it'

Thanks for the tips, I know you're right about letting people know, but to be honest, it's hard to lay it out there and be met by silence. I would honestly never do that to someone, so I do feel disappointed. Like Syndoche says, sometimes people do just suck.

I appreciate the honesty about having to tell people what you need. But I don't know what I need - just some interest would be nice.

Ho hum.