To ask for parental and school support with this bullying issue

[OrangeSamphire]

My daughter, who has experienced school phobia for the last 3 years and is on her third primary school (which is turning out to be absolutely brilliant and very experienced with supporting school anxiety), is now being bullied on the bus home by her ‘best friend’.

They have had an up and down friendship since pre-school age, with this child often turning on my daughter, excluding her and telling other children lies about her.

Apparently this child is excluding her, swearing at her, calling her a 'retard' and has also said to her today that ‘your mum causes all your worries, it’s not school’. This sounds like something she’s heard from an adult, perhaps a parent or teacher.

How would you handle it?

My daughter doesn’t want to travel on the bus anymore which I completely understand. I’ll do the school run until the ends of term if she needs me to.

But how would you handle it with the school and the other parents? We know them, they are friends in our village. With the school, there have been similar issues that are now stamped out but this child is now saving her bullying for when they are offsite.

We are just getting somewhere with a plan with the school to support my daughter in staying in school but this threatens to undermine that.

It's only my daughter and this girl from their class that travel home from school on the bus and it's regular public transport, not school transport.

My daughter is generally well liked by other children and has good friends both in and out of school. It's just this one child, who oscillates between being a best friend and being utterly foul, that is causing her misery.

I've let it blow over so many times in the past but now I am feeling the need to step in.

I think you are right to do school runs at the moment. Unless there's another bus she could catch. If it is just the 2 of them that's so difficult for your dd to avoid. Poor girl.

I think it's worth talking to the school about it, the girl may be bullying others so gives them more to discuss with the parents.

It's a bit of a tricky one with you talking to the parents. How friendly are you? Would you be able to say something along the lines of your dd has been upset recently about a few things their dd has said and you wondered if their dd had mentioned anything? Just to get the conversation started maybe? It's always tricky to speak to a parent as they may be completely oblivious or in denial about their child's behaviour. But perhaps a more gentle chat that their dd has upset yours would prompt them to say something to their dd.

Doing the school run is a good idea.
Don't approach the parents. Speak to the school.

We are pretty friendly, we have talked about issues before. But I feel uncomfortable now after the comment the child made about me causing my daughter’s worries, which sounds like a parroted comment from an adult.

I'd carry on doing school run if you can as it'll help your dd.

But as you've said that about her comment, perhaps better go straight to school. I know it's not happening in school but they'll still see each other in school and it is causing problems for your dd in wanting to go to school etc so is something they should be aware of. Hope they can help.

Talk to the school and tell them about the abuse she is getting from her "best friend" who is bullying her, make sure you include bullying comments made at school as well. Tell your daughter to stay away from this girl. They will have anti bullying policy. The waters seem muddied as other girl is sometimes nice to her, but that's how some manipulate bullies operate even at a young age. The school should help her make more friends and take on board your concerns.

My DD had a friend in class who bullied her , said incredibly mean things then could be fun and only want to play with my DD. She (other girl) gradually lost most of her friendships as she was incredibly mean. Her mum was like that too.

We call them jelly fish stings, nasty stuff said and slipped in -some PA some outright mean- said under the guise of family or friendship.

So I talked to my DD about her choosing who she wanted to spend time with, it was ok to call someone out on being nasty andthat she never had to feel guilty for not playing with or talking to someone who was unkind.
It's a therapy technique to name the behaviour and reflect it back. "that was an unkind thing to say" and to then say what you were prepared to do as a result "... So I don't want to sit with you on the bus, I am moving../ I don't want to play with you now. Go away and be nice or I don't want to talk to you today"

The other girl in my DD's class is learning to change her behaviour as her peers also have learnt to walk away when she is mean and my DD has little to do with her. Her mum has tried to get my to make my DD be friends with her and I simply ignored her, saying our children are old enough toner use who they like to spend time with, as there was no point.

I think the lifts is a great idea whilst you can do it. Hopefully school will have a word with other girl too to help her look at her behaviour in a different light.

*toner use was meant to be
*to choose

I am wondering if you and/or your daughter are sensitive or anxious? As it's unusual to be on a third primary school.

Are you sure what she calls 'bullying' is not just a bit of ribbing, leg pulling or banter?

Is she an only child? I ask this because a lot of only children don't 'get' piss taking/negative interactions from other children, especially if they've only had positive interactions with adults.

How old is your daughter OP is she going to secondary after the summer?

Sugar, I wish it was just banter or ribbing. I've let so much blow over in the past, or for them to sort out between themselves but this feels different.

My daughter has school phobia as I mentioned in my first post caused by a trauma that happened to her when she was in year 1 (not school related but that she transferred onto school as an issue). We have finally got her a place at the best school in the area that is well resourced to support her.

She has no other issues with social relationships with any other children at school or in the village, or adults. And no she's not an only child.

FASH, she's not yet moving up to secondary. They are likely to move up to the same secondary though, and travel on the same bus.

It is me who has attached the term 'bullying' to this behaviour, not my daughter.

I would call excluding, swearing at her, calling her a retard, calling her fat, stealing her belongings (which has happened in school recently) and telling other children lies about her - repeatedly and sustained over time - bullying. Wouldn't you?

Sorry OP I guess I was hoping there was an end in sight for her if she was moving up, but even so it sounds like she'll still face the same girl. Your idea of doing the school runs sounds good and if the school have been supportive so far, hopefully they can help with this

Yes, the curse of small communities! Such a shame. I like this girl and feel sad for them both that she's acting this way.

whereismum thank you for sharing that technique, I think DD could give that a go.

Do school run
Approach school to inform them
Do not speak to parents , avoid them as I would be suspicious

It’s really hard isn’t it ? I would definitely explore some assertiveness lessons and coaching for your DD - if such a thing exists ? It surely must ?

So she can learn skills and techniques to help head bullies off x

And it’s bullying

sorry this is happening to you and your daughter.
Go straigh t to the school. Don't go to the parents yet. I had a friend like how you've described thi s girl - she kept puttin g me down, wou ld humiliate me in front of utual friends etc. Friendship didnt last long lol, I soon realized what she was. Unfortunately sometimes kids have got to figure this stuff out for themselves but definately talk to the school

Good idea about assertiveness techniques, I'll see what I can track down for her.

She's generally good good self-esteem, despite her anxieties about school, but I think learning some specific techniques would be extremely helpful.

At the moment she's mostly responding with 'that's unkind' and ignoring but the crap just keeps on coming at her from this one girl.

Talk to school. They need to know so they get a full picture of what is happening, as it will be impacting on DD. They may also know of other stuff happening in this other girls life, that may be making her lash out, and be able to talk it through and address it. It may be that this girl is seeing the extra support your DD is getting in school and is feeling jealous of that, and taking it out on your DD.

How was the friend's mum when you spoke to her before? Did it help address the issues? If so it may be worth speaking to her, but I would discuss with school first.

Talk to school, so they have the information, but I’d suggest watching and waiting rather than acting with regard to the other child.

If you can do the school run until the end of term, and your dd doesn’t spend time with her otherwise then that solves the problem, and ignoring the other child may mean it blows over by September.

She isn’t a friend, and your dd needs to come to terms with this herself.

For September and when she does go to secondary school she needs to know that she doesn’t have to sit with this girl on the bus. The same safety rules as I’d teach any child alone on public transport may help, sit near the driver, sit near a “mum” with children, don’t sit upstairs. Public buses sometimes have cctv, which may also reassure her. She could take a book to read on the bus, or put headphones in to ignore her.

Agree about the assertiveness

That's great advice about the bus, thank you. I'd thought of headphones, and she carries a phone for safety so she can listen to music.

She does normally spend quite a bit of time with this girl in the village too.

It would be difficult to avoid contact during the summer even if they don't choose to see each other actively (which my DD has no interest in at the moment, but I know the time will come when she misses her). We'll just have to see how the summer goes and encourage DD to spend time with other friends.

Fingers crossed it will blow over given some time. But we have been here before, and it's blown over only to rear its head again in a more intense fashion.

I think self esteem and assertiveness is such a skill . All kids should have it

I look back at one girl and I wish I had my 40 something brain on me for at least one day . I would have d decimated that little bitch when I was 11 !

Good luck OP

Oh god yes stop. I was never bullied in school but there were times it would have been helpful!