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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why they didn't stop

44 replies

cjferg · 10/07/2018 16:23

I was walking along a path this afternoon and came across this man on his hands and knees with blood dribbling all over his face and hands.

I stopped to ask if he needed help without thinking and he told me that a few people had already walked past without stopping. Turned out he hadn't eaten or drunk anything for days and so when he stumbled he couldn't get his hands out in time.

Can't help thinking that the people who walked past were just judgy pricks who were delighted to be nosy but too selfish to stop or phone an ambulance.

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 10/07/2018 17:39

There was a guy hanging around locally for a while who used to smash his hand into a wall so the knuckles bled, then ask passers by for money to get home because he’d been mugged. If anyone claimed to have no spare change he’d get extremely verbally abusive.
He’s moved on now, presumably to a fresh audience.
Lots of people have had enough experience of chancers to justify feeling wary, I’m afraid.

jannier · 10/07/2018 17:42

People can be such a... h..... well done for helping. The more people walk past the worse things will get one day it could be someone they love laying there and they will say why did nobody help?
People easily get dehydrated and sick in the heat causing confusion how the hell does that mean they deserve to be effectively left in the gutter?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2018 17:48

On one hand he was a human being in need of help. On the other he was a drunk man covered in blood.

People's life experiences would determine whether they would feel safe or inclined to stop. I work with homeless people and don't always feel safe enough to help. I do when I can.

bunbunny · 10/07/2018 17:49

There's a thing called the Bystander Effect (I think it was that - it's a long time since I did my degree!) - essentially if there are lots of people that see something like this happening, they are more likely to assume that somebody else will phone the emergency services/step in to help/etc - partly British reserve, partly people not wanting to get involved or be the first one in a group to make a move as they're worried that they might be wrong or stepping on somebody else's toes or whatever. And the more people there are around, the less likely anyone is to do anything to help.

There are a couple of ways around this.

Once you know about the effect it means that you know that nobody else will step up - so be big and brave and step up and do it yourself. If you need others to help you, rather than just asking 'the crowd' for help, ask specific people for help - they find it harder to say no when asked personally. You might find somebody says no, I'm on my way to pick up the kids from school and late, or I don't know how to do that - but they will often help if they don't have a reason not to. Even better, ask people to do specific things - please could you (person in a coat) ring the ambulance, please could you (person in a blue coat) help me put them in the recovery position, could you (person in a black coat) look out for the ambulance to flag it down and bring them over here, could you three over there just help to keep everybody else clear and give this person some space.

Alternatively if you are that person that is injured and needs help and there are lots of people around, target somebody and specifically ask them for help if you are able to, even if just to get them to call the ambulance/etc - one specific task, especially if you need emergency services, is often enough to reassure a person that you're not about to attack them or ask them to do anything too onerous and most people have a phone on them to ring the emergency services - and once they are talking to the emergency services, they will kick in and ask about the situation and ask them to do more things if necessary, rather than you needing to.

Many times - in the uk at any rate - the people that do stop to help without thinking about it are those that work in emergency environments or those in which there are critical things going on and so they know about just stepping up and doing it. On the other hand, apparently in the US it used to be that doctors would actively not step up because if anything went wrong (even if not their fault or because they did the best with the knowledge they had but it wasn't enough) they could be sued... not sure if that's still the case but they need to be really careful.

Vinorosso74 · 10/07/2018 17:49

YANBU. I fell and broke my arm 10/11 years ago and only one person checked on me. I had started walking then the pain and knowing it was broken hit me so had to sit down on the pavement.
The person who checked on me was a big young bloke who I remember kept a distance as I think he was conscious not to appear threatening. He waited until DP got there which was only a few minutes but lots of other people just stared and walked on.
So many people couldn't care about anyone else but wonder what they would say if they were the injured or ill one.

youmeandconchitawurst · 10/07/2018 17:53

It's really common for people not to want to get involved, or to not consider the other person to be their problem.

If it's ever you that needs help try to remember (I know, you need help so it'll be hard to remember) that you should identify the person and ask them for help. "excuse me, lady in the red coat, can you please help me".

Direct requests are more likely to illicit a response, and people can't think you mean "someone else".

I hate getting involved, but I do it anyway, partly because it's the right thing to do but also because my conscience and I have a bit of a close relationship and I don't like the way I feel when I don't (a completely selfish motivation).

YANBU to think that other people should have stopped, but it's probably U to assume that they were judgy or nosy - it's increasingly easy to think that "someone else" will deal with it.

itcuddles · 10/07/2018 17:54

Maybe they didn't notice, maybe they had a bad feeling and were scared. I've stopped to help a very drunk man who'd fallen over and even walked him home, but I was with my boyfriend at the time. Would have been a bit wary doing it alone.

PretABoire · 10/07/2018 17:59

That poor bloke. It must really make you feel worthless to be ignored like that in a time of need.

I’ve helped unconscious people, bleeding people, drunk, crying, whatever. Sometimes at times when I should have been at work or appointments. I guess I’m lucky it’s never gone badly but that’s never crossed my mind when I’m in the moment. However I have full first aid training and am confident with self defence/martial arts and I expect that plays a factor.

I can’t think of anything which my time could be better spent on than helping someone who needs help

Blizzardagain · 10/07/2018 18:12

I've stopped for a collapsed man in the past. He tried to attack me. Can't say it would stop me doing the same again but I can see why people are wary

TheMonkeyMummy · 10/07/2018 18:20

That's so so so awful. I can't imagine being so busy that I really couldn't help another person in such distress, even if it was just to call the emergency services.

A little story to counteract this sad story, I recently witnessed a horrific car accident involving a (presumed) drunk driver and a young family. The area was rural and so many people came running out to help. We had to pull the driver at fault from her upturned and smashed up car.

But, so many people came to help all of them. I took comfort in that.

NuttyNutty · 10/07/2018 20:34

This is completely different from my own experience from when I fell off the bicycle and broke my leg. Several people came to help me straight away, someone called an ambulance and the owner of a chip shop next door brought me a chair and a bottle of water. The ambulance took a long time to arrive and some guy from a pub across the road called a taxi to the hospital for me an even paid for it. Him and taxi driver loaded me and my bike in the car (I swore at them horribly, I have to admit, because moving hurt like hell) then the driver chained the bike outside of the hospital and got me inside. It was London black cab btw, the kind with drivers who will normally run you over and then swear at you.
Unfortunately I was in a bit of a state at the time and did not think of getting anyone's contact details, I wish I could thank them for restoring my faith in humanity...

cjferg · 11/07/2018 10:15

I hope that if I was in a situation like that people would help and it's nice to hear some good stories too!

Another one like this happened when my sister was about 16. She was cycling down this steep road. Her brakes failed and she went smashing face first into a stone wall. The whole side of her face was bruised and swollen and her eye white went red. Nobody stopped. 16 year old girl. Not intimidating, not drunk. She sat their on the side of the road until her boyfriend ran there.

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 11/07/2018 10:21

Sadly, it's a scam technique for muggers. Divert your attention with a fake injured person while people come up behind you and nick your stuff.
Which is why I would get myself to a vantage point with people around and ask if they were ok. Or just ring for an ambulance without interacting with them.
Sorry to be so brutal but if I am alone or just with my dd, I'm pretty vulnerable in a lonely spot.

jannier · 11/07/2018 14:31

bellinisurge - I would agree that if you don't feel safe that's what you do but if anyone had rung an ambulance you are told when you call and ambulance has already been sent as the Op hasn't said this then it appears nobody wasted their time on this man it wasn't about fear just plane old I'm alright Jack.

MissionItsPossible · 11/07/2018 18:02

jannier It’s not always the case though. One friend of mine rang for an ambulance in similar circumstances to the OP and got attacked for it. Another got threatened with a knife from (presumably the attacker) when seeing if someone injured and lying on the floor was ok. I live in an area where people think it’s funny to put a brick through the window of an ambulance or a police car. Ringing emergency services could be taken as a direct affront.

jannier · 13/07/2018 21:46

MissionItsPossible.....Its always possible to walk around the corner or to a safer place and call if many have walked past someone would have got to a safe place by the time the op came across the scene.

MissionItsPossible · 13/07/2018 22:43

jannier If they did then it makes your ‘i’m Alright, Jack’ argument redundant because you don’t know what actions people chose to take in the scenarios you were faced with when they were safely away from the scene.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 13/07/2018 23:07

I badly injured myself falling a few years back in central London and I'll never forget the people who stopped and helped me. They were amazing people. It was rush hour and many more people saw me as an inconvenience, but its those that helped that stayed with me.

I'm largely useless but I'll always stop and at least offer support now, because I know how much it meant.

jannier · 15/07/2018 11:57

MissionItsPossible - if they had rung you would be told by the emergency number that this has already been reported the Op was not told this.
I have rug 999 several times and if its an existing report you are always told help is already on the way stay with the casualty or they take a full report if you are the first call.

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