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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL favouritism, would this bother you?

64 replies

Celina21 · 10/07/2018 08:19

MIL has always favoured DS, and I know in her hearts of heart she loves him more than DD and has admitted it. Even her own grown up daughters were hurt by her favouritism towards their brother as they were growing up. So she has a thing for boys/men, I don’t get on with her at all but that’s another thread.

She has gotten better since we raised the issue about her favouring DS over DD, but this morning MIL is at hospital booked in for surgery, the kids are eating their breakfast. I can hear DH call DS to the bedroom, he’s on the phone to MIL and all I can hear is “ say hi to nanny”, “ say love you nanny”. DS comes back after 5-7 mins, and no mentioning of DD saying hi to nanny. I was just hurt that my little girl just sat there eating her breakfast, and her brother got all this attention.

Btw my children are 5 and 6.

Am I reading too much into this?

OP posts:
TheLionRoars1110 · 10/07/2018 08:21

This is as much your husband's fault as it is your Mil's. I'd be having words with DH

DeadGood · 10/07/2018 08:24

Yes it would annoy me and I’d be picking up the phone pointedly saying “and here is DD” (or better yet, sending her in first).

kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 10/07/2018 08:25

Your husband has a problem. This seems to be a normal arrangement for him. How unpleasant of him!

NWQM · 10/07/2018 08:26

I’m afraid I would be put out too. Many children pick up on this sort of thing even when it’s accidentally done and will take it too heart when the realise it’s on purpose. Your DD may well crave the attention of the person ignoring them all the more. Have you asked your husband why he didn’t make sure a conversation was had with your DD. I’d also be gently asking why he is promoting so much of the conversation.

Returnofthesmileybar · 10/07/2018 08:30

Yep but it's your dh that you should be annoyed at not your mil in this case

Shortstuff08 · 10/07/2018 08:32

You know that's what MIL is like. Your dh knows it.

So why didn't he do something to stop this?

WandinValley · 10/07/2018 08:39

I'm the DD in your family. I was left out of Nan's will as her final act of favourtism.

I was very aware of it from a young age. What helped was my parents always treating my bro and I exactly the same. And my other gran would sometimes have me over for special sleep overs with my same-aged cousin, which little bro was considered 'too young' for.

It's had absolutely no impact on me or my relationship with my brother. He's fortunately a pretty oblivious type and never noticed Nan's ways. So it didn't go to his head at least. Grin

Original poster
Celina21 · 10/07/2018 08:42

I did ask him gently, but he doesn't wanna hear it. He's like " she's having surgery, leave her alone". I don't even understand that, because even if she's going through something difficult does that mean that she should only speak to one child? Her favourite grandchild?

All I know is if my mum did this, he would hit the roof. There's one rule for his mum, and another for mine.

OP posts:
DevilsDoorbell · 10/07/2018 08:50

Wait til his mums out of surgery and is given the all clear then have the conversation.

ohfourfoxache · 10/07/2018 08:50

He’s so entrenched that he sees her behaviour as normal.

This needs to change before you’ll get any real change with mil

DevilsDoorbell · 10/07/2018 08:51

Btw yanbu but as your dh was the favoured one he may not understand.

Original poster
Celina21 · 10/07/2018 08:52

@WandinValley wow, how did that make you feel? That's a disgusting thing to do.

They always say I favour DD over DS, but honestly I think this is why I'm so protective over DD, because I know how they're treating her and how all the attention goes to DS.

It's like I'm trying to compensate.

OP posts:
Juells · 10/07/2018 08:57

My MiL adored DD1 (who looked like her side of the family) and wasn't bothered about DD2 (who looked like my side). DD2 didn't give a shit, the two of them used to have secret sniggers about how obvious it was. There are times I think that children have to accept that not everyone in the world thinks they're wonderful. I think you should just have it as your secret little joke between the three of you, then everything she does that shows up her preference becomes something your children can share, rather than one being excluded. I'm very passive aggressive though 😂

NWQM · 10/07/2018 09:01

See for me your husband’s response is worrying - ‘leave her alone’. Does he take no responsibility for the fact that he facilitates the favouritism? Why was your son called to the bedroom? We have a slightly different issue but one way we have got round it is to use the speakerphone function - always. And everyone in the room. Means phone calls are more staged or are quick.

spanishwife · 10/07/2018 09:04

Another thread about a horrible husband and an even worse mil

WandinValley · 10/07/2018 09:06

@Celina21 Mostly the will made me laugh. It was such an obvious choice on her part!

As an adult who now frequents parenting fora ( Wink ) , I can understand a lot more about her life, some big traumas, and how her lifelong codependency framed her perspectives. I feel more warmth to her now because it's not so black-and-white as plain favourtism of boys in her case.

diddl · 10/07/2018 09:07

"Am I reading too much into this?"

I don't think so.

Although I also think that your husband should just have said that your son was busy eating breakfast.

I don't think that either of them should have been disturbed.

And prompting to tell someone that they love them-yuck!

Did MIL actually ask to speak to your son do you know?

I don't like the sound of your husband very much!

TuftyBum · 10/07/2018 09:13

When I was young my mothers mother didn't want to know me as my Mum married a man she didn't like. I met her once as far as I remember. All my cousins knew her and were treated well and loved, I was not. I was hurt for many years that I was not even acknowledged.

It still stings to this day, the unfairness. It's like being punished and you didn't do anything to deserve it.

UpstartCrow · 10/07/2018 09:14

Your DH's relationship with his daughter is already skewed.

pictish · 10/07/2018 09:16

Yes it would bother me...it would make me spit as a matter of fact. It’s ill-mannered, insensitive and not a little bit cruel. As much as your mil is the original arsehole to favour in this way, your dh is now complicit in it and is an arsehole too.

Neither of them would be left in any doubt as to my feelings about this, believe me.

pictish · 10/07/2018 09:18

Surgery or not.

Original poster
Celina21 · 10/07/2018 09:21

It still stings to this day, the unfairness. It's like being punished and you didn't do anything to deserve it.

Exactly! That's why it pisses me off so my, my daughter didn't do anything wrong, except for having the wrong genitalia!

I honestly regret having children with him, everything is a struggle and he cannot see anything wrong with what his mum does! But he's quick to point out the slightest thing my mum does! Arghh Angry

OP posts:
Ary2017 · 10/07/2018 09:23

This is normal for your husband because he was the favourite growing up (and probably still is) and he probably liked it.
I'm assuming his relationship with his sisters is strained because of this?
He needs to stop perpetuating this damaging behaviour, it's not fair on your DD

rogueone · 10/07/2018 09:29

You need to put a stop to that now. Your DH won’t see it as an issue as he was the favoured dc. My FIl does this and he gets told off. Definitely favours my DD over my DS to the point my DS said he is cruel. The problem is that it’s entrenched. So my OH was the favoured grandchild and his brother hated his GM and I mean hated her. It created rivalry between him and his brother which is still with them as grown men. DC know and it’s your job to protect them not the perpetrator. As it is a form of abuse as far as I am concerned and your DH needs to be told to stop facilitating this.

Original poster
Celina21 · 10/07/2018 09:33

@Ary2017 yes he was and still is the favourite. MIL thinks the sun shines out of this arse and he can do no wrong, which is one of the reasons I have no relationship with her.

He is not close to his sisters, and MIL hasn't got the same relationship with her daughters as she has with him. She puts 100% effort in the relationship with her son, and no effort with her daughters. It's sad really..

Even yesterday when she was getting booked in for surgery, she got her daughter to drive her down there but made her son sign all the paperwork because that's who she wanted to be responsible for everything and call if something did happen.

OP posts:
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