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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset about this?

16 replies

HopefullyAnonymous · 10/07/2018 07:50

I don’t know if I’m overreacting...

The background: DH is booked in for a vasectomy after us both agreeing we really don’t want any more children. I stopped taking the pill over a year ago as I’ve struggled to settle on any contraception without side effects, so we rely on condoms. Occasionally there is some penetration before one goes on, but it’s always brief and never an issue to put it on; normally he stops or occasionally I remind him.
We’ve been having some issues lately; he became unnecessarily paranoid about a work colleague and now quizzes me about any texts from male friends. I’ve also been working long hours, shift work, so it’s meant that we’ve not had sex for a couple of months.

The problem: on Sunday night we had a nice evening. Went to bed, all good, started having sex. I reminded him twice about using a condom, he said ok but carried on. Before I know it, he ejaculates. I was absolutely furious, and I’m still really upset. He said he’d meant to withdraw, but we don’t do that. I’d never have allowed him to rely on that if I knew his intentions.

AIBU/overreacting? Something about it has left me feeling really uneasy and upset. I’ve not really spoken to him and we’ve slept apart since. Do I need to get a grip?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 10/07/2018 07:54

Even before the penultimate paragraph and what that includes, what the hell is this: occasionally I remind him

Does he have memory issues? Why the fuck do you need to remind him? For someone booked in for a vasectomy and who doesn't want kids, he's being incredible blase. Trying to sow some final seed?

I'd not be happy about this at all.

Imchlibob · 10/07/2018 07:57

You are not being at all unreasonable to be upset. His behaviour was very wrong.

In some countries a man who goes ahead with unprotected sex when he knows that what the woman has consented to is sex with a condom, that is considered rape. I don't this that this applies legally in the UK but it may be a sexual assault - you did not consent to be ejaculated into. Your dh knew this and did it anyway. It is not OK. What kind of a person has that little respect for someone else's body. Especially one who is supposed to love you.

MollyHuaCha · 10/07/2018 08:01

Do you think he actually wants another child maybe?

FASH84 · 10/07/2018 08:02

His actions are unacceptable OP, is he absolutely certain he doesn't want children? Is the approaching vasectomy making him reconsider? You need to talk to him, if he hasn't apologised why not? He's gone ahead with a sexual act you do not consent to, did he recognise that? I understand the sleeping apart but without talking this will fester.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 10/07/2018 08:05

Deliberately - being pregnant would stop his jealousy with you around other men....

Fatted · 10/07/2018 08:10

You do if you've asked him to stop and he carried on, I would consider that to be rape.

YANBU. In your position, I would not be having sex with him until the vasectomy. But there are obviously other issues in your relationship besides that that you both need to address, such as his jealousy

busybarbara · 10/07/2018 08:12

I reminded him twice about using a condom, he said ok but carried on

We've seen this over and over on MN. There's only one word for carrying on when your partner places a condition on intercourse which you ignore.. Sad

PaintedHorizons · 10/07/2018 08:15

I'd be worried too.
I'd be taking the MAP as soon as possible to be sure we didn't end up with an unwanted child in the mix and then having a talk, And no sex until vasectomy over and done with.

I know that there is the issue of his going against your wishes - and that is something you need to work out yourself but for the moment the practical problem is the priority.

As an aside "reminding" whilst continuing to have sex without is probably not the best way. I always put the condom on the man myself - we did it together as part of foreplay.

Ansumpasty · 10/07/2018 08:15

I don’t blame you for being upset, op. I also agree with what you are hinting that, that he’s trying to ‘mark his territory’ by potentially getting you pregnant, eliminating the attraction from whoever he’s worried about.
Could be wrong, of course, but I’d be feeling the same as you.

SmileSweetly · 10/07/2018 08:15

Unacceptable.

Did you take your he morning after pill?

You need to have a very frank discussion about the upcoming vasectomy, is this what he really wants? It's a huge decision to make if he's not 100% sure.

Perhaps you need some counselling to help sort the jealousy issue out.

Original poster
HopefullyAnonymous · 10/07/2018 08:19

As an aside "reminding" whilst continuing to have sex without is probably not the best way

This is why I wasn’t sure if I ABU. Remind is possibly the wrong word. Sometimes one is used straight away, other times one of us will say something like “ooh, best not get carried away” and he’ll stop and put one on. It has never been an issue before, although granted is not the worlds most reliable contraception.

I went straight for MAP yesterday morning.

OP posts:
Juells · 10/07/2018 08:33

A vasectomy must be a huge deal for men. Obviously not as bad as a hysterectomy because it's not as big an operation, but it is saying goodbye to your fertility, like the menopause.

What happens if he has a vasectomy and you break up? I think you should discuss it with him and put the op on hold.

Original poster
HopefullyAnonymous · 10/07/2018 08:40

We have talked the vasectomy to death, and he’s never given the slightest indication that he’s not ok with it. It was his suggestion. I’ve made it very clear that he is in no way obliged to do it. It wouldn’t change my mind about having more children though.

OP posts:
Original poster
HopefullyAnonymous · 10/07/2018 08:42

And by the “what if you break up” logic, surely no one would ever have one?! There’s always the chance of a relationship breaking down or a partner passing away Confused

OP posts:
Ennirem · 10/07/2018 08:50

OP, he knew having sex with you was conditional on him using a condom. He had sex with you without one. There is a word for that and you know it.

It is not in some way your job to put his condom on 'for him' and make it 'sexy' by incorporating in into foreplay, so he's somehow off the hook for ignoring your repeated reminders of your condition. Do not listen to that victim-blaming bullshit. I certainly don't ever remember my partner sensually snapping my diaphragm into place as part of foreplay. Is it only men who have to be cossetted into taking responsibility for their own fertility???

You need to sit him down and tell him how utterly unacceptable that was and how uncomfortable it has made you. His reaction will tell you what your next steps should be - i.e. anything less than a grovelling apology and I would be considering my position. And take a MAP if you don't want his baby.

Juells · 10/07/2018 10:10

Sorry, yes, I didn't address the main point of your OP at all. He'd get a flea in his ear if I were you. Who the hell wants the bother of having to go and get the MAP, stuffing hormones into your body, just to save someone the bother of putting on a condom? 😡

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