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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My exDP has just been arrested

22 replies

wayovermyhead · 09/07/2018 23:25

I have just been messaged by my exDP'S "friend" to say he has been arrested but not charged with sexually assaulting her.I was due to drop our 2 year old daughter off on Sunday but I couldn't reach him then I had this message. I am stunned.
I have spoken to him since and he is not denying they had sex but said it was consensual.
My problem is that last year I was messaged by another of his girlfriends to say he had done a similar thing to her. At the time I urged her to report it to the police but she refused as she felt they wouldn't believe her. I still have the messages she sent on my phone .
AIBU to keep this information to myself as she didn't want to report it at the time, and probably wouldn't thank me for giving out her information or tell the police and what they do with the information is out of my hands.
Very selfishly I am also concerned that if this becomes public , my daughter will suffer the stigma of everyone knowing her father is a rapist

OP posts:

AMAWriter · 09/07/2018 23:27

No, I would definitely tell the other woman what's happened, OP. You've got to think of what's right.

Redglitter · 09/07/2018 23:28

I certainly wouldn't contact the Police without her knowledge & consent. Could you contact her & tell her about his arrest & try & encourage her to report it now

KeepServingTheDrinks · 09/07/2018 23:28

Ignoring the last paragraph, what you COULD do is message the girl who's message you still have and let her know she's likely to be believed if she reports it now.

Then I read your last sentence. Up to you. But do you want your DD growing up in a world where men can act without consequence?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 09/07/2018 23:29

ooo. Cross post x 2

Mrsharrison · 09/07/2018 23:29

You should update her on this latest development. Two women claiming the same thing looks very suspect.
Would you be happy for your dd not to know he's a rapist?

GunpowderGelatine · 09/07/2018 23:29

I think you know the answer to this. And I'm so sorry this has happened to your friend and this other lady.

Re the information going public - you'll probably get a call from the police as there's a child involved and that may have repercussions. Talk t them about your concerns.

I've been a press officer for our local force and when we secured convictions we would sometimes send out a press release with the assailants picture. However we worked very carefully with officers to never do this when it would impact vulnerable people such as children. That doesn't stop a reporter attending a court case and reporting it though, but again work with the police who can try to minimise any publicity around it

UpstartCrow · 09/07/2018 23:30

If you phone the NSPCC they will be able to give you some advice about how to tell your daughter, so that she doesn't hear about it in a bad way from someone else.

Mrskeats · 09/07/2018 23:30

Get in touch with the other woman and tell her what has happened. You need to consider the safety of your child above what people will say.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/07/2018 23:41

Sitting on this information is not an option.
2 separate people have came forward abs told the same thing. Yes I know you're concerned about your daughter but will you honestly be comfortable with her staying with him knowing what you know.
That evidence that you give could be the difference between him being convicted or not.

BinkyTheBlinky · 09/07/2018 23:44

Isn’t it hearsay though? The ops evidence? She’d need to get the other woman to give evidence surely?

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 09/07/2018 23:47

In 20 years time would you want a rapist loose when you have a dd?
Report /inform all that you know.

mozzybites · 09/07/2018 23:48

Get in touch with the other woman, it is her choice what she does about her assault.
Your dd's father appears to be a rapist, this has to be the main issue not who knows this.
The more rapists that are charged and hopefully convicted the safer the world your dd will become an adult woman in will be.

Whirliegigspiders · 09/07/2018 23:49

Tekl the womam

Ginkypig · 10/07/2018 00:12

The other woman very well feel able and want to come forward if told about this new information.

As for your last sentence, your child has him for a father no matter who he is or what is public about him doesn't change the truth of who he is or what he's done. I feel finding out years down the line that this was known in private (especially if he attacks someone else or other people come forward in the future) would be far far worse because she will feel her whole relationship with him was based on a man that didn't actually exist. It could be massively damaging.

Arum51 · 10/07/2018 00:26

What the hell? Two separate women have come to you, a year apart, saying your ex raped them, and your concern is what the neighbours will think?

Your ex is a rapist. That's your problem here love. You need to protect your daughter from a sex offender. You also need to protect other women. Yes, tell the police about the first woman. They will approach her sensitively. This is not, by any stretch of the imagination, the first time they have dealt with things like this. Research shows that by the time a man appears in court, he has an average of 7 victims. The first woman does not have to press charges herself if she doesn't want to, but she can show a "pattern of behaviour" that will back up the latest victim's account.

Please do the right thing here.

Catsandkids78 · 10/07/2018 00:30

Sorry I’d go to the police with or without her consent

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/07/2018 01:14

I'm with Arum.
Gossiping neighbours are the least of your worries.

KokoandAllBall · 10/07/2018 02:04

Message her with this new information, tell her you still have her messages (extra proof). Now she's had time she may regret not reporting it. Each woman strengthens the others case. Try to get her to report.

And as for your daughter, her father is a danger to women and that could impact on her life in many awful ways.

KokoandAllBall · 10/07/2018 02:05

If you don't mind me asking, why do his girlfriends text you? Are you all friends?

Sundance65 · 10/07/2018 08:15

Please please get off mumsnet and go to one of the offenders family and friends sites they have forums and helplines for people who have been through exactly what you have described and will be far better able to advise you. Especially in relation to the impact on your daughter.

We have a loved one in prison for something different but it was a very high profile case. Believe me mumsnet is not the right place to be right now.

MrsBertBibby · 10/07/2018 08:28

It's perfectly natural to consider the consequences for your child of something like þhis going public. That's not "worrying about what the neighbours think" FFS.

My ex was in a similar situation, the young woman he assaulted elected only to take him to tribunal (and won £££, good for her) but didn't AFAIK go to police. I was in real fear we would have to leave home and school, though, if it had got out it would have been all over, everyone knew my arsehole ex, literally everyone. Shithead.

CornishMaid1 · 10/07/2018 10:20

I can understand being worried for your daughter and needing to protect her, but part of protecting her is protecting her from your ex.

I would speak to the police and they can take your daughter into account. I would contact the other woman and let her know that he has been arrested and that she should consider contacting the police.

I would also mention to the police that you were contacted previously, but you can say that you have told her to come forward but are protecting her anonymity until she decides. At least that way the police know there are other victims and they can start investigating into other women he has had contact with and try to find her that way without you having to 'out' her.

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