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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need advice!

25 replies

Chessy01 · 09/07/2018 21:30

A friend, not a close friend, but someone I liked and had known for a couple of years...
She set up a business last year...I have helped her out over the phone and given support throughout the year on an occasional basis...as I run my own business and far more experienced.

Roll on to a few weeks ago, she invited me to help her out at an event as a friend...to take some pics.

She arrived late....I helped her set up, make everything look ready, took loads of pictures for her marketing material, pictures of guests, of the whole workshop, made sure the customers were happy etc. whilst she was doing her demo.

Roll on to the day ending after 6 hours...my feet didn't stop all day.

I went away with a dressed crab, we had our catch up after the event at a pub, where she did buy me an alcohol free beer and a lime and soda.

I then drove home - basically 1 1/2 hours each way...so in total 9 hours...I then edited pics, posted to her business page, emailed to the venue and to certain groups of people...this took about 2 hours.

Since even though I hinted on the day, that I normally charge an hourly rate for this sort of work...she didn't say anything. Infact she has been very cold since, even though on the day after had text me how awesome I was and that she couldn't have done it without me.

Now she earnt £25 pp there were 21 plus extra's on other bits she sold, they also covered her petrol and paid her extra for her time.

No gesture no offer of anything to me the days afterwards. I was quite shocked, personally it's not how I treat me friends or people that come to help me at events. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to go on the friendship catch-up basis, but now I feel she has completely mugged me off. She is not a friend and that really I should walk away. I don't want to help her again as I feel she really did take advantage and I don't like the way she has treated me since.

Am I wrong to feel miffed?

OP posts:

JamPasty · 09/07/2018 21:37

I suspect she assumed you were doing it for free, and then felt miffed that (in her opinion) you were hinting she should have paid you, Sounds like genuine crossed wires, plus a touch of CFery, in that for all that she'd have to be a bit dim to assume that just two drinks would cut it. You sound awesome!

I have to ask though "I went away with a dressed crab" - is either the best euphemism ever, the new "snapped and farted", or what it says on the tin. Please don't tell me it was the boring latter :)

funinthesun18 · 09/07/2018 21:46

I think she’s in the wrong op.

I’m curious about the dressed crab too...

beluga425 · 09/07/2018 21:46

Will you be able to ensure she has an opportunity to reciprocate?

If it's all one sided, that's annoying but at least you know now.

Pengggwn · 09/07/2018 21:48

Roll on to a few weeks ago, she invited me to help her out at an event as a friend

So, she asked you to do her a favour? And you think you should have been paid?

Original poster

Chessy01 · 09/07/2018 21:55

She delivered a crab cracking workshop which we paired with sparkling English wines at a vineyard. After they had dressed the crab, that's what you call a crab when you take out all the meat, dark and white meat and then serve in the shell. It's very easy to do once you know how. They had that with soda bread and salad, then sat in the gardens with their food and wine. I took all the pics throughout the whole process and helped display and serve the food. She seriously took the piss. I'm getting more annoyed as I type! I dropped so many hints, I think she is either really thick or just very selfish. She has proved to be not a friend as far as I'm concerned and I wouldn't help her again. I run my own business and can't afford to do this for free...I even explained I would normally charge between £15-£35 an hour depending on what I am doing for someone. She literally didn't take the hint when I said just a gesture or offer would be nice, like covering the cost of petrol...she even went away with a bottle of bubbly worth £55. Honestly I could have helped her win so much more business and give her advice, but that ship has now sailed. I actually feel sick thinking what a mug I was!

OP posts:

Original poster

Chessy01 · 09/07/2018 21:59

No she asked for a catch up and to take photos, but then I ended up working like I do at weddings and events (that's what I do) - she milked it for all my worth...I thought well she'd naturally make a gesture....as that's what I would do for someone helping me out!

Anyway it won't happen again, she's not a friend and tbh I won't waste any more time on this..I felt she was wrong and still think it is. It's just not how I treat people or want to be treated!

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 09/07/2018 22:02

She invited you to help out as a friend? And now you want to be paid?
If someone wants more from you then you feel able or willing to give then say no. Don't do it then expect payment.

Sparklyfee · 09/07/2018 22:03

She's being shellfish

HopefullyAnonymous · 09/07/2018 22:07

What a crab situation to be in.

Original poster

Chessy01 · 09/07/2018 22:11

No...Wolfiefan I didn't want to be paid, that would of cost her atleast £150 for the day, but I did think a Thank You and a gesture would have been nice...I've done so much for her.

Yes extremely Shellfish and she now knows that's what I think.

Hopefully she won't take the mick out of anyone else, because I certainly won't let that happen again!

OP posts:

cornishmumtobe · 09/07/2018 22:15

She sounds clawful

PineapplePatty · 09/07/2018 22:17

Put your claws away OP.

She's not going to pay you when you've said you'll go as a mate.

henpeckedinchief · 09/07/2018 22:22

Honestly, you've been really unprofessional. It sounds like you offered her help as a friend and then hinted that you wanted paid on the day. You're a business woman - if you expect payment then you agree that upfront. You don't agree to do a favour and then hint that you expect some form of payment.

She gave you a token gift and graciously thanked you. That's sufficient gratitude to give a friend who did a favour in my opinion. And if a friend agreed to do me a favour and then spent the day hinting that actually she expected some kind of payment in return I would be annoyed too.

Next time be upfront and professional about what you expect and don't hope that people will read your mind!

Wolfiefan · 09/07/2018 22:33

You can't offer to help as a friend and then moan at Her taking you at your word. If she didn't say thanks then that's pretty rubbish but I'm not sure what "gesture" or "offer of anything" you expect.

spudlet7 · 09/07/2018 22:36

I expect she accepted your help as a friend, although it sounds like your expectations of the day were different from hers. Probably crossed wires. That said, it's total CFuckery not to even offer petrol money and a bunch of flowers. It's possible her being cool is actually embarrassment on her part as she's realised she was a CF but feels it's too late to broach the subject now!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/07/2018 22:39

even though on the day after had text me how awesome I was and that she couldn't have done it without me.

It sound like you were thanked?

But you agreed to go as a friend and help out; and then decided to put a lot of effort in and now feel that you should have had some type of payment, that's your lookout. She was under no obligation to give you anything; whether it was a gesture or payment.

You run a business; surely you're used to setting out costs upfront?! It's absolutely your choice not to consider her a friend or talk to her again, but you've behaved pretty badly here too.

(And I agree that I'd have made a gesture - even if just paying for travel or getting dinner or sending flowers - but you can't expect that; and I wouldn't expect anyone to do it for me.)

henpeckedinchief · 09/07/2018 22:42

It also sounds like you voluntarily did a lot more than you were asked to and then felt resentful about it. But you're responsible for what you choose to do. You can't be a martyr about help you freely offered because you were secretly expecting more in return.

SchrodingersCaterpillar · 09/07/2018 22:44

Sounds like this situation has got you feeling really crabby OP.

Glumglowworm · 09/07/2018 22:46

She asked you for a favour as a friend, you agreed. Then on the day you hinted about her paying you.

If you wanted paying then you should’ve been up front about it when she first asked you! Even if you just wanted your costs back, you should’ve been clear.

YABU to hint and change the expectations on the day

cariadlet · 09/07/2018 23:10

She was cheeky but YBU

You had 3 choices:

1 - agree to help out as a friend, expect nothing and appreciate being taken out for a drink afterwards (she probably would have been happy to buy a "proper" drink, but couldn't as you were driving) and having a chat and a catch-up.

2 - say that you can't afford to do it for nothing, but would do it for "mates' rates" and agree a sum that you are both happy with

3 - say that you can't afford to do it as a friend and let her know how much you charge for your services and what she can expect in return.

It seems that you chose 1, did a professional job and then dropped hints that a professional job should be paid for. You can't really have it both ways.

Original poster

Chessy01 · 10/07/2018 04:10

Thank you all for your comments....I didn't want to be paid, I was happy to help as a friend, but personally I would have made a gesture if someone had helped me out at an event for 6 hours and driven for 3.

I am extremely professional and have run a very successful business for a very long time.

I normally work with and have very good friends who would never take advantage of someone's kindness, good nature or generosity in this way!

Lesson learnt.....life never ceases to amaze me and I am a Mum of two grown up daughter's and had a very successful career and run a business....but am still amazed at OP's behaviour and how short-sighted and selfish people can be.

She's now lost a friend, a person that supported her, and lost me ever recommending her in the future....

I'm over it now and very happy!

Another big wedding extremely luxurious this weekend....so I'm very happy!

OP posts:

Graphista · 10/07/2018 04:23

"Next time be upfront and professional about what you expect and don't hope that people will read your mind!"

This - with bells on!

I'm amazed how many mners post stating they are business owners/managers yet repeatedly get into this type of situation.

I'm not a business owner never have been and yet surely just common sense is that the way to avoid such misunderstandings is clear communication.

You should have said to her that you were happy to do it for "mates rates" and given her an actual figure.

If you don't value yourself, and make that CLEAR, why should others?

She hasn't actually done anything wrong, it's a misunderstanding caused by your lack of assertiveness and communication skills.

That you've decided to end the friendship is probably best for both of you.

LuvMyBubbles · 10/07/2018 04:32

Shame op as she has missed a great opportunity by the sounds of it.
Interesting to see if she contacts you again?!

justilou1 · 10/07/2018 06:29

Have you shared the shots yet? I wouldn't.....

Original poster

Chessy01 · 10/07/2018 09:23

I think she will be too embarrassed too...I won't be doing any work with her again as a friend and will just recommend other people for future events. Door closed. Thank you all for helping me come to this decision. Have a great day!

OP posts:

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