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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should just fecking stop now

21 replies

Dontgivemethesideeye · 09/07/2018 21:16

N/c - probably this will be stalked but I don’t care. I just don’t want him linking this to previous MN threads. Although he may well have stalked those too :(

Split with ex around 6 years ago. 2 DC. Relationship had been not great for ages. I behaved like a cunt, became emotionally involved with someone about 3/4 months before I called it a day. Post separation but pre living separately I had sex with other person. Ex found out. He was devastated and furious. As I said, I behaved like a cunt.
I have done a lot of apologising and a lot of trying to explain where my head was at in the intervening years.

AIBU to expect him to drop it now. He still regularly gives me a hard time about it. Any mention from the DC about the situation (why don’t mummy and daddy live together etc) and he bombards me with stuff about how I fucked up, how he shouldn’t have to deal with it etc etc

I’m just at the absolute end of my tether. AIBU? Am I?? Maybe I am.

OP posts:

Daddystepdaddy · 09/07/2018 21:29

I'm not sure you have the right to expect anything. However for his sake he needs to get past this as the bitterness will not be doing him any good.

Original poster

Dontgivemethesideeye · 09/07/2018 21:36

So how do I deal with it, Step?

I can’t change the past.

OP posts:

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 09/07/2018 21:41

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Clearly it’s unfortunate for your kids that they didn’t/don’t have a mum and dad in a happy relationship but that’s the case for plenty of children (who grow up to be absolutely normal well-adjusted adults!) and your behaviour was a symptom of the unhappy relationship, not the cause.

And while I’m here, it doesn’t sound to me like you did anything that dreadful and he’s hurt that he was dumped/poorly treated at the end of a relationship but that’s happened to the best of us. Time for him to let go
I think, you shouldnt have to apologise forever.

comedycentral · 09/07/2018 21:45

6 years ago? He does need to drop it now and move on with his life.

MadMags · 09/07/2018 21:46

He shouldn’t bring the kids into it.

But you don’t get to decide when he gets over the fact that you cheated on him.

MadMags · 09/07/2018 21:46

That being said; 6 years is a long time to still be banging on about it!

Original poster

Dontgivemethesideeye · 09/07/2018 21:52

I understand I don’t get to decide when he gets over it.

His main issue is that I should have magically known the relationship would fail and that I shouldn’t have had kids with him, therefore putting us all in this situation.

I can’t do anything about any of this and I literally don’t know how to respond. I don’t, usually.

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 09/07/2018 21:56

He's abusive.

Sit down with your children and give them the 'Mummy and Daddy love you, but can't live together' old spiel.

Disengage with him completely. In need use a third party intermediary.

Original poster

Dontgivemethesideeye · 09/07/2018 22:05

That’s pretty much what I do say to the kids New. DC are fine, well adjusted lovely, gorgeous people.

OP posts:

lotsofsidestoeverything · 09/07/2018 22:18

I am not defending ex, but from what you have said the issue is not so much that he isn't dropping it and moving on, it is more that your dc haven't dropped it and moved on, which is normal, and they talk to ex about it, again normal, and he struggles to deal with their questions? Which is a bit more understandable?

Sharkwithknees · 09/07/2018 22:22

No you're not BU, OP. You're human and you fucked up, which you've acknowledged. Things aren't always black and white. 6 years??? He needs to get a bloody grip.

Original poster

Dontgivemethesideeye · 09/07/2018 22:22

That’s a bit of it lots - DC mention our living arrangements once in a while. But equally it might be a conversation about logistics that escalates into “if you hadn’t put us in this situation the we wouldn’t be having to organise XYZ”. Which then becomes a rant about everything.

OP posts:

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 09/07/2018 22:39

I understand his anger. But to be two decent parents with stuff like this you need to draw a line in the sand and move on. You have to or you'll become so eaten up with it that it paralyses you in that kind of time loop forever, unable to move forward or to get over it.
He needs to do this now. Carrying his anger and resentment is going to be impacting his kids. No, he doesn't have to forget it and he doesn't have to forgive, but he needs to leave it on the past for the sake of your kids. How you communicate this to him though I don't know as you are probably the last person he would want to hear it from!

Cawfee · 10/07/2018 00:53

6 years! He’s being totally unreasonable. He needs to move on and get over it.

marylou1977 · 10/07/2018 02:25

It’s time for you both to move on. You cheated, you apologized you are sincerely sorry. It’s time for him to stop berating you, more importantly, you don’t have to take it from him. If he can’t stop you need to remove yourself from the conversation. You learned a lesson, move on, don’t let him make you feel less than.

Original poster

Dontgivemethesideeye · 10/07/2018 07:55

How do I “not take it” though? It does make me feel like shit tbh but other than trying to ignore I don’t know what I can do.

OP posts:

Starlight345 · 10/07/2018 08:11

Next time he brings it up . Say I am unwilling to discuss this 6 years later.

lotsofsidestoeverything · 10/07/2018 10:36

I don't think you should feel shit about what you did, I really didn't mean that. I am so tempted to do what you did right now so I can absolutely empathise, though in my situation I can't.

I don't think it is in the past, because it is still impacting on you all now, but he is dealing with it badly and making what is a difficult situation worse, that is the thing. If you had been together without dc, to harp on about it 6 years later would be a bit bonkers. But if it still affects logistics then it still affects him. He is dealing with it badly. The fact that he deals with things badly is a part of the reason why you left maybe.

I really don't think you should feel bad about what you did. You can't change how he deals with it but you can change how you react, and at least you don't have to deal with it full time now.

beyondthesky · 10/07/2018 10:41

As soon as he brings it up shut down the conversation or leave.

You are two separate people. You do not need to interact with him at all.

He may still be upset after six years and that is perfectly acceptable for him. But you no longer have any responsibility to make him feel better about that.

Original poster

Dontgivemethesideeye · 10/07/2018 19:45

I do shut it down. Or I don’t respond at all.
I’ve tried telling him to stop.

He says it’s evidence of my inability to communicate. And asks what the DC will think when they have the “true picture”.

OP posts:

QueenofallIsee · 10/07/2018 19:58

You need to forgive yourself OP, you did a daft thing and you own that but there is no need for it to be the defining factor when you have children together. You created something good and focusing on that is the healthy, meaningful thing to do. ‘I have come to terms with it, you should try to do that as well’ on repeat, repeat and repeat would be my line

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