Apologies if this is long, I will say from the start that I’m autistic (only found out last year so still working out who I am) so realize I might look at things differently.
I was in an emotionally abusive marriage until last year and my mother has always been very controlling too, so I’m new to setting boundaries and also because of my autism I know I can struggle to let go of things and hold on to things.
I’m in a new relationship with someone I’ve known for a long time, and I’ve moved away from my family and friends to be with him, he lost his wife and has been dealing with that, as well as the fact he was in a controlling relationship for many years. We both have our own children.
He wants his daughter to have contact with the family which I completely understand, but they are controlling too, and making demands and being very hot and cold with him, and demanding he rings them even though they don’t answer.
Because they know a lot of people they can make things difficult for the kids and for us, so it’s about trying to give access and be civil to them and keep them on side.
He’s said I have to be the bigger person and allow them to pick up and drop off from our house when he’s in work, and couldn’t understand why I was upset that they can walk all over us. He sees that he is taking control back from them slowly.
So the bit I’m struggling with is setting boundaries and saying what I think is acceptable and what I should compromise on, I know I should be the bigger person but I feel sick in case they come in the house as one of them has no awareness and thinks she can just be mates one minute, then using emotional blackmail the next.
I want to do the right thing for everyone but I’ve never known healthy boundaries and what’s reasonable and what I should compromise on. If anyone has any guidance or can recommend any books or anything I’d really appreciate it.