Someone give my head a wobble? (Trigger warning: mentions child abuse)

[Tartsamazeballs]

Back story, I was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was a toddler through to about 9 years old when it went to court, which was just as horrendous as the abuse if I'm honest. It's been a journey but Im now mid thirties, happily married with a couple of gorgeous kids. My oldest is coming up to 2 now and after a disinterested start on behalf of MIL their relationship is getting closer and we see MIL weekly for a couple of hours, which I really like. I really support this and generally MIL is nice enough, we're just quite different people so we'll never be bff's lol.

So the problem I'm having is that with that back story in mind the last visit MIL looked after #1 downstairs whilst I got on with jobs upstairs, really nice of her, but I could overhear lots of "don't tell Mummy" and "shhhh! Secret!" Type behaviour, it was in relation to opening a wrapped toy in the playroom (absolutely fine) and climbing on furniture (not as fine but not worth making a fuss). And it made me completely, utterly uncomfortable. That's what I used to get told, and thats how it started. I know rationally that 99.9% of people who get told that don't get abused but my lizard brain is screaming a bit about it...

I dunno. WIBU to ask MIL "no secrets"? I don't want to stick my oar in too much because grannies are important, but it really fucked me up to hear that. We've always said "we don't have secrets we have surprises- everyone finds out surprises, and they make us happy".

If anyone else is parenting post abuse I'd love to know how you've dealt with stuff like this, if it's come up?

Does your MIL know about your past? I think what you’ve written here is perfectly explanatory. Maybe preface it with “MIL I know you didn’t mean any harm, but we don’t want our little ones being brought up to ever be told to keep things secret from us. And here is why, please respect this as it is important to us both.”

Regardless of any bad past, all dc should know not to keep secrets from dps imo.
You would be fine in advising mil please don't ask dc to keep secrets from us.

Smile and move on. No explanation needed .

I have no personal experience but YANBU and I also use the same lines regarding secrets/surprises. I would mention it to MIL, it's not an unreasonable request especially with what you have been through and it's in the best interests of her GD so she has no reason to disagree. I'm sorry about what happened to you when you were younger, both the abuse and the court case. You sound like a really good mum.

Absolutely not unreasonable at all. One of the messages I 100% mean to impart to my child is that if anyone asks her to keep a secret from me, she needs to tell me right away, and that no matter what it is she has done nothing wrong, it is whoever is asking her to keep the secret that has done wrong. Totally agree with PP that there is a clear difference between secrets and surprises, and an adult who blurs those lines even in jest is doing the child no favours.

Have a word with your MIL and say "it's so sad that we have to be so watchful of her innocence, but the world being the way it is we're just not comfortable with there being any secrets or even jokey secrets in DD's life. She needs to know she can trust us with everything."

I’m sorry for the abuse and trauma you suffered.

We have a strict “no secrets” policy as this can encourage children to withhold things, bad things if they happen.

You MIL means it kindly and she’s obviously a doting grandmother, but you must explain to her that you don’t have “secrets” in your family and she is to stop. Get DH to speak to her if you can’t.

Thankfully for me I haven't suffered abuser but I still have a no secrets rule.

Once my dad (who's lovely) let the kids do something and then said don't tell mummy. They pretty much immediately told me and said he'd said to keep it a secret. 😂

I brought it up with him and he immediately saw what I meant and was so apologetic. Of course, he was just having a little grandad giving a sneaky treat moment but he could see that kids can't necessarily understand that sometimes it's ok and sometimes it's not so easier to have a no secrets rule.

We have talked about not announcing presents etc with ours as a surprise thing but mine have all been hopeless until they've reached 6/7. Ie. Here's your birthday present daddy, I hope you like the chocolate, it's your favourite!

But there is always a distinction between a surprise and a secret for the reason that you're concerned about.

She may not understand it, but she should respect it. (Whether she knows about your abuse or not.) X

I don’t have a history of abuse but have done safeguarding training several times and have strictly taught my little one exactly the same. Surprises always have a time limit (eg daddy’s birthday) when you can talk openly about it. If you are ever told to keep a secret, you must always tell a grown up you trust. But I think this is a relatively new approach and so most likely not something your MIL would have thought about it. I would explain it to her and ask her to use the language of ‘surprise’. I’ve found most people I’ve spoken to about it have easily agreed once they’ve had it explained.

What you've said is absolutely correct. We don't have secrets we have surprises. If she is genuinely nice and you explain that you don't do secrets, you don't have to tell her about your past, just that it's how you would like to parent in order to try and avoid anything happening to dc. Nobody is allowed to tell them to keeps secrets. If mil is decent she will completely understand and respect that.

I hope she is, and does. Post abuse this is exactly how I handle things with dc, and so does my sister with her dc.

Cheers all for the validation, it's going to be a difficult conversation as MIL is a bit, I don't even know the word... Detached? Distant? Well, she doesn't really talk much to me except pleasantries but she and #1 love their weekly visits (always a big "GRANNY!!!" At the door ) it's just between me and her its all on quite a superficial level I guess!

Fairly sure there's going to be a generation issue and she'll think me neurotic, but guess I need to pull up my big girl pants and get on with it!

There is some useful info on NSPCC about asking children to keep secrets, a lot of schools do keep safe work with children about this. To get her onside you could use this to explain that in order to protect your children now and in the future eg when they have access to the internet, they should not be asked to keep secrets. This is not about you, it is basic child protection.

OP I'm fairly willing to look like an absolute nutter if it keeps dc safe lol, don't worry about it, you might be surprised. Have you explained it to dp, could he have a word if you think that might work better?

You could also make sure you go over it with dd so she can say "no we don't keep secrets" if someone should suggest she does.

I’m so sorry for what you went through.

You are absolutely right about secrets. Not only are you right but it is standard parenting advice and has been for a while.

You don’t need to tell your MIL your personal history if you don’t want to but set this boundary clearly.

My PILs were told no secrets too, it’s a pretty normal conversation.

My children are also trained to come and tell me immediately anyone tells them that something is a secret.

I don't feel you have to tell your MiL of your abuse. It's none of her business and you don't have to share that with anyone. Nor do you have to justify your childrearing decisions with anyone, either. Just simply say "MiL, I happened to overhear you the other day telling DD "it's a secret" when she opened your gift. I appreciate you wanting to give DD a gift, but we are raising her to know that she should not keep secrets from her parents and that an adult telling her to do so is wrong. So in future no 'secrets', please".

Another here, who has always taught my children that we don’t keep secrets! In fact I caught my Mum trying to do it recently and immediately talked over her to my children, reinforcing that we don’t have secrets in our house, we have surprises and surprises are nice things that people will find out about , like a gift or a party. My Mum was actually really supportive, she knew my stance but forgot all about it at the time.

Definitely get your dh to talk to his Mum about it, also reinforce the secret rule to your children. If you over hear your MIL, then immediately address it ‘Secrets? What’s this about secrets (Light heartedly) Grandma, we don’t have secrets do we children? We do have surprises though, do you have a surprise for me?’ At this point you will likely have giggling children volunteering what the ‘secret’ was. At which point you can say ‘you cheeky monkeys - jumping on the bed/ eating chocolate before dinner,’ then you can cuddle/ pretend to tickle them. I have found that approach works best, that way my children don’t associate me being annoyed with them if they tell me a secret that they have been asked to keep.

I always praise my children whenever they come to me and tell me a secret they have been asked to keep. Even if it is a surprise! My son is autistic and very literal, if he didn’t have this rule to keep to, he could be very vulnerable to abusers. Thankfully he keeps every rule religiously!

No it's not okay, it tells children it's ok to hide things from their parents.

I wasn't abused as a child but I do feel panicked when I hear someone say this to a young child. If it was proceeded by "its for Mummy's birthday!" Or if it was a 14 year old who knows what is and isn't to be hidden that's different.

But so many will say it's being a kill joy or whatever but nope.

Thats horrible :( i was also sexually abused as a child by my grandfather too, its a horrific thing to go through and i really know how you feel, anyway, she should not be telling your children to keep secrets from you! That is wrong! You are the mother not her and the kids should be able to tell you anything, i would sit her down and tell her that its absolutely ridiculous to tell your children to hide things from you no matter how small the secret may be.... good luck with everything x