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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anxiety about child's ARE at school

21 replies

Confrontayshunme · 09/07/2018 12:38

I guess this is almost knowing I am being unreasonable, but I just don't know what to do.

My DD1 (6 and in Year 1) just got her end of year report. Along with some usual good and bad comments (enjoys scientific discovery/probably talks too much at the wrong times), they showed whether each child is exceeding, meeting or below ARE (age-related expectation).

The problem for me is that every single one says meets ARE. Not a single one was above average. I sort of feel like if she isn't totally exceptional, she won't get into grammar school, she won't get into a good university, and she'll end up living in my very small house until she is 35!

She is 6 years old, and very happy and loves school. She loves reading books for hours every day, draws beautiful pictures, is funny and can cycle in the velodrome with 8 and 10 year olds. What on earth is my problem then? Why do I feel so anxious? Everything is so competitive and she's in a local, regular infant school!

How do you deal with this pressure for them to do well and succeed, as I have approximately 12 more years of school to cope with this?

OP posts:

MaiaRindell · 09/07/2018 12:42

I'd understand your worry if she were under-performing in a particular area, but to be upset that a 6 year old, who is enthusiastic about learning, is meeting her targets is a worry too far!

Cat2lady · 09/07/2018 12:43

I think YABU, be happy that she’s functioning well in school, it could be a lot worse. She sounds like she’s got talents in other areas, focus on them.

Cyw2018 · 09/07/2018 12:43

Many countries in Europe don't start formal education until children are older than 6, let alone formally assessing the poor kids.

Put the report, with it's ARE, in the bin, and don't even read the next report she gets, it's clearly not good for you to read it, and your DD will pick up on your anxieties, which will have lasting consequences for her.

Isthisaproblem · 09/07/2018 12:52

I think this could be misinterpreted

She sounds like she’s got talents in other areas, focus on them

It sounds like she has talents in the traditional school subjects too! By all means encourage her in everything she enjoys, academic or otherwise, but be reassured she is meeting expectations in all areas of her report. Exceeding expectations at the age of 6 is definitely not a requirement for being successful (and moving out before you are 35).

feathermucker · 09/07/2018 12:53

Please don't pass on your worry that she's not exceptional. Be happy that she's meeting her AREs and work on encouraging and supporting her to thrive.

You're placing way too much emphasis on this.

Strongmummy · 09/07/2018 12:57

I’d do as a pp says and put the report in the bin. Live in the now. Enjoy your beautiful child. Have fun with her. The future is scary as it’s unknown and we can’t control it. So focus on the present

Cat2lady · 09/07/2018 13:07

isthisaproblem

As I also said... it’s sounds like she’s functioning well in school.

Moominoftwo · 09/07/2018 13:21

6 years old? Jeez, give the poor kid a chance. Not getting into a grammar school doesn't mean she won't go to uni you know. My brother managed to get his PhD even though our comprehensive was a bit crap.

Quartz2208 · 09/07/2018 13:43

I think the problem is we as society constantly believe you should be exceptional but the truth of the matter is most people are within the meets expectation and do well and succeed perfectly well

stillPhoenix · 09/07/2018 13:47

BAME (below, approaching, meeting or exceeding) expectations are common form of quickly appraising a child's academic ability.

My child (I'm also a teacher) always has a wide spread with a few exceedings and a few belows. I'm happy with that.

Guess what, most children are average. The clue's in the word.

RedSkyLastNight · 09/07/2018 14:01

ARE covers a wide range of abilities though - she might be just below "exceptional" (or whatever it's called at your school). Plus teachers like to err on the cautious side, so they don't get pulled up on lack of progress later.

But yes, she's 6 and you are overreacting.

ApocalypseNowt · 09/07/2018 14:11

Don't borrow trouble ahead of time!

Hard work and enthusiasm will get her a lot further than a couple of 'exceedings' at age 6!

00100001 · 09/07/2018 14:14

Put the report away and forget about it .

your child is SIX

MediocrePenguin · 09/07/2018 14:14

This just makes me feel really sad for her. What ridiculous expectations to put on a 6 year old! Will you not be proud of her if she isn't academic?!

The strangest thing about your post is that she is achieving everything for her age that she should be but you are still not happy as for some reason you expect her to be exceptional. Poor girl - please let her be a kid!

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 09/07/2018 14:55

Another reminder that you have massively catastrophised

I didn't go to a grammar and have a good law degree from a good university

My cousin was the only cousin not to go to university and hate to tell you he out earns the rest of us put together

My ddad has two degrees both firsts....both of which he got as an adult
And the only person I know living in their mothers house in their thirties has a degree , a masters and lazyitis

Pull your expectations in ...relax and enjoy her being a kid

RavenWings · 09/07/2018 14:58

So she has met her targets and is average. I don't see the problem. Average is not a bad thing.

Original poster

Confrontayshunme · 09/07/2018 15:00

Thanks for the nice answers at least. I would like to say that I am not putting any of the pressure on her to do anything spectacular. We literally just do reading each day (though I don't force it) and the given homework at weekends (most of the time!). I just think my own parents just ingrained in me that getting less than top marks was just never acceptable, and I feel anxious that she won't be able to succeed if she doesn't get those "top marks".

I've totally kept it to myself for fear of exactly the same responses as some of what I've gotten here. I definitely wouldn't put this anxiety on her, I just wanted to know whether other people ever felt this way, I guess.

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 09/07/2018 15:08

By any chance are you quite academically able? And so maybe feel that your daughter should be too, because don't we all want our children to do better than we did?

She's doing fine, honestly. If she's at the level expected across the board, that's a good level of achievement. And she's 6! You really can't judge 11+ capability or university entrance or leaving home based on how a 6 year old is doing at school!

Chrisinthemorning · 09/07/2018 15:11

DS is at the same stage, end year 1 and got the same bar one area. At parents’ evening his teacher said she very rarely gives “working in greater depth” for English/ phonics at this stage as they need another year to get to grips with it.
I was very happy with DS meeting expectations, I would only worry if he got below expectations.
Enjoy the summer - it’s such an adorable age!

Aliumlavender · 09/07/2018 16:42

These things change so quickly. I was considered hugely above average when I was at primary school, but by the time I got to year 9/10 I was very average, and got very average grades.

Equally, children who were considered less clever than me at primary school ended up doing better than me at secondary school.

FrenchJunebug · 09/07/2018 17:18

calm down. In Y1 very few kids are below or exceeding. The expectations are wide ranging because at this young age kids develop at different speeds. Also in France your child wouldn't be in formal education. Seriously you are overreacting and need to take a deep breath for fear of making your child anxious.

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