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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to a “family” day out

11 replies

ghosting · 09/07/2018 08:41

DC2 wants to go to a theme park for their 8th birthday next month. Me and their dad split up 2 years ago and we can be civil to each other, but the theme park would require a hotel stay as it’s a long way from home.

AIBU to say no?

(So I don’t drip feed, ex was/is EA and has form for manipulating situations so I am made to feel like the bad person. It may well actually be DC2s idea to go, but it wouldn’t at all surprise me if ex had suggested it, and suggested inviting me, knowing I’d probably say no and then look as though I’m the one letting DC2 down)

OP posts:

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 09/07/2018 08:43

Why do you have to go with him?

wandaandthealien · 09/07/2018 08:45

My ex is a bit like this too, he will plant seeds in the DCs head so I am guilted into spending time with them and him on "family" days, I wouldn't want to go as far as staying in a hotel and he wasn't abusive.

Could you just say to DC you could do a seperate trip/day out and they do this trip just the two of them?

Ginger1982 · 09/07/2018 08:45

Presumably OP's DC would like a birthday day out with both parents...

OP could you suggest somewhere closer that wouldn't require an overnight?

MrsJayy · 09/07/2018 08:53

Has she had a expensive birthday out before ? Personally I would say no to the trip away on it being expensive to far not fair on siblings and suggest something else. If big days out are normal birthdays then you are going to have to find a way to say no and if you are the bad guy then you are the bad guy it really isn't doing her any good pretendi g to be happy families

mindutopia · 09/07/2018 09:19

I guess it depends on if you can afford it (that's quite an expense for an 8 year old's birthday for most people) and you feel safe being with your ex all weekend. My parents split when I was young and my dad was an ass, but they both always made an effort to do family things with me. We used to go camping and on beach holidays most summers together, separate tents/rooms, but with both of them as my parents. I wouldn't have really had much quality time with my dad otherwise and I'm grateful my mum made the effort to do that (even though I'm sure she wanted to stab him in the eye the whole time).

Ragwort · 09/07/2018 09:20

Why can't DC2 go with her Dad and you can have a separate outing/treat ?

Original poster

ghosting · 09/07/2018 09:59

I would agree to a meal out with us all, but travelling to a theme park that involves an overnight is a bit much. And no, birthdays are not usually that expensive. DC1 had a shared birthday party for theirs so there isn’t an expectation that birthdays involve days out like this.

The DC already spend half their time with their dad so it’s not as though they don’t see each other. I have suggested that ex can take the children without me but DC has asked for me to come too.

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 09/07/2018 10:01

Explain to DC that you have split up and are uncomfortable doing this so she can go with Her dad and do something with you another day.

MrsJayy · 09/07/2018 10:10

Right if it isn't a normal birthday day out you just need to say no we cando xyz for birthday and dad can take you over the holidays and don't enter into discussion about it, if you suspect it has been planted then further debate will only fuel your ex, all this sounds bloody stressful

Original poster

ghosting · 10/07/2018 16:13

Explain to DC that you have split up and are uncomfortable doing this so she can go with Her dad and do something with you another day

Do you think it’s sending mixed messages to say that I’d go for a meal with them, but not go to a theme park?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 10/07/2018 17:02

No, it's not giving mixed messages, just be the adult here. You don't have to give lengthy explanations or reasons just a breezy "lovely to have a trip away with Daddy to the Theme Park and how about we all go to X restaurant to have a special meal on your actual birthday".

Do you actually like Theme Parks? I have never, and would never, go to a Theme Park with my DC, hate the places, fortunately they have never suggested it but if they did it would clearly be a trip with Dad and not me.

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