To wonder how to downscale my career?

[Cuppatea14]

...Sunday evening and I have just logged off my laptop, feeling the Sunday night fear about the work week ahead and wondering how I can escape this spiral I seem to have gotten myself into. I haven’t slept properly in weeks because i wake up in the middle of the night stressing out about work.

I wandered into a job in banking after uni without giving much thought. Married my darling husband who has a fantastic but not as-well paid career. We now have a chunky mortgage, car loans and full time childcare to pay for which are reliant on my maintaining my income. I feel totally trapped and don’t feel I can talk to my husband without making him feel rubbish about his own salary.

Has anyone out there managed to downscale things and escape this trap of their own making? I don’t make massive money, we have a nice but not super- fancy home, lots of our money goes on childcare. Has anyone any similar experiences they could share?

Maybe try and think of
It backwards. What would you really like to be doing? Then consider what you need to do/change to make that happen

I did exactly this. So I was promoted and got a 25% payrise. After a few years I got bored of the constant travel and late nights and the stress. I was basically in charge of several big accounts and I hated it!

Anyway I told hr I was not happy and because they wanted to keep me they let me essentially go back to old stress free role but I kept my salary! They dressed it up with a special job title but I do the same old stuff I did on day 1 (I’ve been at company 10 years now). The downside is... I get less bonus, I think people have slightly lost respect for me, I expect I’ll be overlooked for future jobs (I’m the one that can’t cope with stress) I’m probably stuck on this salary (just a few percent rise each year) but it suits me fine as I have three kids and couldn’t deal with all he stress and travel.

Maybe worth asking if there’s another suitable role? My company are brilliant at letting people move around, even between departments.

I remember how overwhelming childcare costs are but you may well qualify for 30 Hours Free from when your child turns 3... plus there is a Tax-free payment which the government helps to top up. If you can hang in there until then life suddenly feels much easier! And if it helps you can spend the time now planning your career change...
I'm assuming you have a toddler of course, but perhaps once school starts it will ease Off? Forgive me if being presumptuous.

I was in a similar position - worked hard and got into a great job and found it utterly mind numbing and unfulfilling

I took a couple of steps down and switched to part time - would this work? Money could be saved on childcare.

It can be really hard getting into a different field and involve working just as long and hard for less money.

We sold our place and moved to an area where it was cheaper but still nice (we left London).

I had a long term plan - downsize the mortgage, switch jobs to something more local and give us back options.

You can make different choices. We are part way through our changes - and it’s already much better.

Moving house and schools was stressful but the children are happier and we are too.

Have you been there a long time? Is there any likelihood of voluntary redundancy? Our place is forever “restructuring” and I managed to get VR a couple of years back. Helped pay a massive chunk off the mortgage and I was lucky to find another job quickly which I enjoy more than my old role. I’d like to have changed career altogether but I have no idea what I want to be when I grown up

NicLondon has a good point: childcare costs are not forever. Preferably wait until your dcs are at school before doing anything drastic.

The costs don't stop unless you downscale your lifestyle and perhaps sell your house. That would take time and is stressful and by the time you have implemented it, your dcs may already be school age and your childcare costs would have come down anyway.

If the job is stressful, can you find a less stressful one? I am not sure whether it is because of your current employer or the nature of the job in question. If the latter, you would be looking for a career change or sideways move to perhaps a different sector. What are your thoughts on this.

I think this is why couples should put a lot of thought into it before they go for the bigger house, better cars etc. It's a huge financial burden. A couple I know recently went for a big house, 4 beds and they have one baby! And they have said their mortgage is "eye watering", its in London so won't be cheap. Apparently they are waiting for the wife's parents to pass away (not that they want them too, just that they have factored it in) as she'll then be in for a big inheritance at which point they hope to pay most of it off. But it seems a hugely risky strategy to me.

Are you able to maybe reduce your hours (and therefore lower the childcare bill) ? I think you should talk to your DH. He should be supporting you emotionally without you worrying about making him feel bad! Also, sometimes having an au pair can actually work out a lot cheaper childcare wise.

Check if your company has signed up to the Women In Finance Charter. If so they'll almost certainly have programs underway looking at how best to support women working in banking. Even if they haven't signed the charter they will almost certainly be looking at how to retain women.... and if they don't then look at the companies that do! They are increasing in number... Mine is currently looking at offering some wild flexible working patterns among other things.

If I were you I'd book a meeting with HR and see what they have to say!

I stopped down many years ago. Originally my husband was going to be the primary career at home as I was bigger earner. We realised quickly that we couldn’t afford to survive a second child on maternity pay and he couldn’t feed the babies. At the time I was having a nanny drive around after me and pass baby into meetings to be fed etc. I went back to work two weeks after birthing.
I took a lower grade job and he stepped up his career. It was still too much so I went part time and we moved for his promotion. It worked better. He did long, hard hours and I did bulk of childcare/house management. We could have been richer, we could have used childcare but we felt strongly that we wanted to raise our own children.
I started taking my career a bit more seriously again after youngest was boarding in sixth form.

Thanks for all the feedback, it’s great to hear how people have made it work. I have another year to go before both my kids are in school, we have a nanny at the moment who takes care of them at home, which I’m realising is a godsend during the long school holidays. I’ve recently taken (or rather been shoved into) a new role which is proving a lot more stressful than anything i’ve done to-date but is probably ‘a great move’. I think it has crystallised that my career is not my top priority. Someone suggested figuring out where I want to get to and working backwards, which is so simple and actually a genius suggestion, and I agree that talks with DH are needed.

Can you do your role or a similar one on a self employed or freelance basis?

Interesting Q - think alot of us realise gaining ground on the rat run isnt a priority or ultimate goal. As long as can make the finances match up, otherwise that's a whole other stress