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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother’s death

9 replies

TerracottaDream · 08/07/2018 20:50

My brother died a week ago. Utterly devastated.
He was diagnosed with a terminal illness a few months after leaving his wife for another woman.
His wife admits that they had been unhappy but agreed to stay together until their youngest child had gone to university but his meeting someone else had been just a catalyst.
The ‘other woman ‘ nursed him tirelessly and all of us were treated very civilly. They were married very quietly. She behaved in a completely dignified way. She was open and transparent to my sister-in-law who visited with and without the children. She is being completely transparent about wills etc and will get nothing from brother’s death. It will all go to his children.
Just wanted to give you a picture of her. Even sister-in-law and parents (grudgingly in their case) admit she has behaved impeccably.
I was told the end was near and invited to the hospital. I walked in and my brother’s new wife jumped up when she saw that I was being followed by my husband. She asked him to leave. I was confused. After some time I said that my husband would like to come in when somebody else stepped out. She was very vague. Finally she took me aside and she essentially said my brother didn’t really like my husband and she didn’t think that he would be wanted. My brother died that night.
I haven’t spoken to my husband but he clearly knows that it wasn’t just a ‘numbers ‘ thing around the bed. I can’t imagine seeing this woman again after the funeral. Should I ask her what she meant? She has genuinely behaved impeccably throughout. They were brothers-in-law maybe not friends but I never gave their relationship any thought. I am really troubled but others have more right to grieve than me. Thought about talking to my old sister-in-law but feel it would be inappropriate.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 08/07/2018 20:55

Very sorry about your brother.

In your situation I would wait until a short time after the funeral and try to meet and ask your brother’s wife what she meant. But you may never know.

You say your H and DB were “not friends”.

hidinginthenightgarden · 08/07/2018 20:55

I don't think there is anything to gain from digging around. Leave it for now at least.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 08/07/2018 20:56

Impeccably she’s was shagging someone else’s husband who had kids. There’s really nothing impeccable about that behaviour and shows her true character to do something like that . I think because she put a front on you think she behaved impeccably but do you really know this woman?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/07/2018 20:59

Oh how sad

Look things always always kick off after a death OP . And here is another sad tale

Look in a sad way you don’t need to know . And nor does your DH frankly . Just put it down to her going a bit crazy as he was dying and don’t push it . In time you might find out from your first SIL

But the animosity and rift will die with your DB

Can I say also that after death we often get very focussed on smaller stuff as it’s easier to think about than the gaping gap ? I see this time after time Flowers

Family spats are so common at a sad time
. Look after yourself Flowers

Doobigetta · 08/07/2018 21:00

I yhink you should just let it go, I can't see what good answer you will find if you dig into it- only things you'd probably rather not hear that you can't do anything about.

Nikephorus · 08/07/2018 21:00

I'd leave it. Maybe your DB had said that he only wanted immediate family there at the very end? If she was just following his wishes then she was doing the right thing, as difficult at is may have been for your DH. Following it up isn't going to change anything for the better. Given that she'd behaved perfectly otherwise I can't imagine she was deliberately trying to be difficult, and certainly not for your DH (if it had been his ex-wife then maybe). Let it go for everyone's sakes.
Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2018 21:03

Why potentially sully your brother's memory with claims you have no way of validating or rectifying? Let this go and treasure the fond memories of your brother.

LightDrizzle · 08/07/2018 21:05

I too think she was just protecting what she sincerely believed to be your brother’s wishes in his last hours.
You were his sister, your husband was not his brother, perhaps he wasn’t that keen. In which case, it wasn’t right for your husband to be present in his final hours.
I wouldn’t have expected my brother to want my husband present, and there was no bad blood there.

Knittedfairies · 08/07/2018 21:05

I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t think you will achieve anything by trying to find out what she meant. You will only get her version of the relationship between your brother and your husband anyway; you would be no nearer the truth of the situation.
Other people don’t have ‘more right’ to grieve than you; you’ve lost your brother.

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