To only have one child

[SolemnlySwear2010]

It has always been in mine and DH plans to have 2 children.

We currently have DD (age 4) and we were talking about TTC next year once she is at school.

I am now not sure if i want another child - DD is a happy sociable little girl but she is hard work (like all children). I feel we are already stretched thin with one child and both working full-time. Also, our DD is currently attending a childminder throughout the summer holidays and I cant face having another child just for them to spend their holidays in someone elses house but going part time/term time isnt an option.

I feel like if we stick to just one child we can take holidays when we can to cover for school holidays and give her a really nice life whereas if we have 2 it will be hard work to try and juggle a baby and a 5/6 year old as their needs are so different.

I just dont know what to do - i do want another child but I dont at the same time

Has anyone else felt the same - what did you decide to do?

How does your DH feel?

DH is desperate for another child and think we will just have to manage and that everything will work out.

I just cant decide if i want to take that risk. What if i regret having another one! That would be the most awful feeling in the world

Your reasons wouldn't be enough for me not have a 2nd. You can't compare materialistic things with having a sibling imo.

Obviously if it's going to put you into financial hardship that's different.

Is time on your side to give it a while longer to think about?

On the flip side I know plenty of only children who are also perfectly happy.

As someone who has been in your position and went on to have a second (surprise!) I would stick with one. Don't get me wrong, I'd not change things now but has taken a long time to get to this point and have the same age gap you'll have. I think you know when you're 'done and if you're done at 1 then that's ok. Also fine for people to ask what your husband would like, but this will have way more impact on you.

I had similar feelings when DS was nearly 3 and we couldn't put off having another as we'd planned (job loss and house move had put ttc plans on hold for a bit). My issue was more how hard I had found the first year with DS, and how I really didn't want to go through it all again (sleepless nights, the tears, the relentless monotony of maternity leave, etc).
However, we did and I am so pleased as my DD has shown me that babies can actually be a joy she is such a sunny, sociable character - the complete opposite to her brother who was such a sensitive and unhappy baby.
I'm not going to lie - I feel like a referee most days home with them, but watching their little friendship develop is lovey.
HOWEVER, do what is right for you and what your gut says! I feel fortunate knowing my kids love their childminder (they go together) and I also love my job not to mention the peace and quiet of the office but if the situation was different I'd probably feel differently.

We have one DS, financial reasons were part of it but I think if we desperately wanted one enough we'd have found away. I'm really happy to be a family of 3. My DS has a lovely life and we can afford things with just one that we couldn't with 2. I do worry about him as an adult and needing to deal with 2 elderly parents alone and also hope he has his own family to support him and be with him. However, having a sibling doesn't mean you automatically get on with them as adults. Having one was definitely the right choice for us - trickier though I can see if one of you wants another child when the other does not.

I do worry about the financial aspect of another also. We could manage and still afford a decent lifestyle but the first few years we would need to limit our spending whereas just now we can go out for lunches/ shopping etc without having to worry too much.

I think my DH would be heartbroken if we didnt have another and i fear he might end up resenting me but i dont want to have another child to please him and then end up resenting my DH.

I do a lot of the 'wife work' in our relationship, which is mostly by choice as i like to be organised and know that things are done, but i cant help but feel adding another child into the mix is going to out even more pressure on me.

I am 27 at the moment so we do have time on our side but i dont want to leave the age gap too much longer if we decide to go ahead.

I think its the childcare aspect that it throwing me the most, i feel like i am working just to have someone else look after my child and i hate it so it can only get worse when adding a baby in.

I feel that i got to really enjoy school holidays as my DM was a SAHM so i was able to have friends over, go on days out etc and I cant give that to my child/ren.

How do other working parents deal with the holiday periods etc?

Sorry for the long posts

There's a really good group on fb called my first my last my everything. Im one due to medical reasons vut theres tons of different with all kinds of circumstances. Really lovely supportive group.

17 years ago DP and I had a conversation about children. We had been together 3 months. I wanted at least one he wanted no more than 2. He already had an 8yo DS so we decided on 1 for us. In 2004 we had our DS he is my world. I hated being pregnant and found the early years hard but have loved the last 10 years. I don't regret for a second having just the one.

I do a lot of the 'wife work' in our relationship,

And yet, he is the one wanting another child. Bafflin'

How can it possibly be unreasonable to have one child? There are far too many people in the world already. And pregnancy sucks.

As for this I do worry about him as an adult and needing to deal with 2 elderly parents alone

well here's a thought for you. Put things in place so he doesn't have to worry about you! Make sure he has power of attorney once old enough, don't rattle around an oversized house when you can't cope with it and be prepared to accept (and pay for) help when you need it - eg cleaners and the like.

We delayed ttc a 2nd, partly because we found parenthood hard (DS was a really awful sleeper) and partly because of sensible financial reasons. When we did decide to ttc a 2nd after much angst and deliberation I couldn't get pg. we reconciled ourselves to a life of three, and it's mostly lovely. Financially it's much easier and DS is always our priority.

He'd love a sibling though and life can be lonely for him. We have to work that bit harder to organise play dates and invite other people on days out etc. so he doesn't get bored. Having one is totally fine; and I get that siblings don't get on. We get to channel our resources and not have to juggle competing demands of age groups (and a difference of 4+ gets harder the older they get from one I can see from friends and family).

We're perfectly happy as a 3 but if I'm very honest, I wished we'd tried for a 2nd earlier. We'd have managed, lots of people do. Only you and your DH can decide though.

@runningkeenstar how rude!!! I don't mean he has to look after us AT ALL!! It's the emotional thing - coping when one dies, worrying if one is ill and so on! So much easier if there's a sibling to help.

Is it the childcare cost or the prospect of using childcare that is putting you off? If it's the latter I'd say to disregard that fear because you already use childcare and understand how it feels - you and your DP juggling annual leave will work for one children or two children, you don't need any more annual leave to take care of an additional child.
Yes the thought of using childcare for a baby isn't nice but if both children attend the same childminder it may provide continuity and security for everyone involved. You may also find your circumstances in 3-4 years vastly different and not need to use childcare as much. In the grand scheme of life using childcare accounts for a very small portion of time, don't let that become the only reason you don't have another (if you can afford to and really want to).

I started a thread similar to this recently,ds was saying he had no-one to play with etc but in my case I'm not considering having another,I'm happy with my one and so is dh

Its a bit of everything - we so dote on our DD and i dont want her to miss out on things just because we decided to have another child.

I honestly feel like a terrible mother because i need to use childminders during holiday periods as I feel like i should be the one looking after my child. Of course my DH sees it as a positive that she is getting to interact with other children etc.

We are just on complete different pages right now

We made the decision to have one. A lot of things are easier - I can attend all her school events, she can have the hobbies she wants, I can afford the things she needs like uniforms etc, when she's ill I can solely concentrate on her. I feel I have what I can manage and I'm a better mother for it.

The only challenges are other people's opinions and also one of us has to be her playmate a lot of the time unless we sort out a play date. There are pros and cons for everything, you just have to do what feels right for you if you want to be happy.