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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think this is spiteful even if you do not like someone !!

67 replies

Nogymjustcake · 08/07/2018 13:44

Hi,
Backstory is that my biological grandfather died quite young ( early 50's ) before I was born.
My nan met a man who was also widowed at a youngish age. They both had grown up children.
They have lived with one another for 27 years.
He is the only grandad I have known, always turned up to birthdays, special occasions.
We saw him regularly and he always saw us like his own.
Recently he lost his fight to a long on going disease.
Throughout this he still lived with nan and she cared for him.
The weeks leading up to his death he became to unwell for her ( now heading in to her 80's ) to look after.
The hospital said he would need to go in a hospice. His daughter refused this and took him to hers.
We have been waiting for funeral arrangements.
We were then initially told it was staking a while because they wanted him to be buried with his wife.
Then a few days later they hasn't text to say that they did not want my nan or the rest of the family to attend and that she was not invited and not welcome.

OP posts:
kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 08/07/2018 14:29

That is so mean!!!

SabineUndine · 08/07/2018 14:31

That’s so unkind and I hope karma bites them all in the bum.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 08/07/2018 14:32

Very spiteful behaviour. Hopefully, he made a will and has left at least some of his money to your Nan. If there is no will she won’t get anything because they weren’t married.

One of my friends was banned from her ex partner’s funeral. The break up had been amicable but his mother had never liked her. My friend wasn’t told he’d been ill in hospital then died until a week after the funeral. Some people are just nasty Sad

InfiniteVariety · 08/07/2018 14:34

You say your grandmother was depending on him for financial support through her own old age but if they were not actually married she may have nothing. Is there a will?

troodiedoo · 08/07/2018 14:34

Nasty people. Sorry for your loss.

I do hope that your nan is the main beneficiary and you get something to remember your grandad by Flowers

laurely · 08/07/2018 14:34

Truly spiteful .

Nogymjustcake · 08/07/2018 14:35

So he would have have a will etc
He was a very smart man and knew exactly what he wanted im 99.9 percent sure he would have a will. Just worried about nan now as there isn to really anyone to help her

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 08/07/2018 14:36

Sadly, this is the sort of thing that can happen when you live with someone you are not married to.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/07/2018 14:37

Shocking. Your poor nan. I’m so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. What a way to treat a woman, who has loved and cared for your relative for a quarter of a century!

You can check if the will is registered online. But I’m not sure if your nan can as it sounds as though she isn’t next of kin. Perhaps contact a solicitor?

Birdsgottafly · 08/07/2018 14:40

Your Nan could contact age concern for advice.

Did the Daughter have his permission to act on his behalf?

Your Nan is his NOK, unless stated differently and SS/SW etc will have this on record.

I'd question the legality of them arranging the funeral, if not.

steff13 · 08/07/2018 14:55

Would she be next of kin of they weren't married?

MikeUniformMike · 08/07/2018 14:57

No.

MikeUniformMike · 08/07/2018 14:58

next of kin
noun
a person's closest living relative or relatives.
"the police notified the next of kin"
synonyms: closest relative, closest relation, nearest blood relation/relative, closest family member
"in the case of childless couples, your next of kin are your parents"

Aeroflotgirl · 08/07/2018 15:01

How awful, I bet that was totally against his wishes. Yes money might be the main motivator.

GreenItWas · 08/07/2018 15:02

Funerals can be private. It's weddings that are a matter of public record and you have the right to bear witness if you wish.

Sarahjconnor · 08/07/2018 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoraPirbright · 08/07/2018 15:06

Good grief!! It’s been 27 years - get over it already!! (that’s directed at the incredibly spiteful first family). I would strongly advise your Nan and close family members (your parents?) to be on the sharpest of look-outs as I bet they are worried about what the will contains and will try and cut your Nan out. Do you have a decent solicitor? Notify them sharpish just in case.

BumbandBaby · 08/07/2018 15:06

That's spiteful

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 08/07/2018 15:09

They are being spiteful, which is very, very common in this situation.

It often comes to light on hospital wards, where the patient is clearly being cared for by a devoted partner of many years, but as soon as they die the patients children cut off the "new" partner.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/07/2018 15:28

It's very spiteful and very cruel. It will make it harder for your Nan to come to terms with her grief - the funeral is (psychologically speaking) a way of saying goodbye and moving on to the next stage of grief.

Perhaps your Nan could ask your local vicar/priest if they would be prepared to have a memorial service for him, after the funeral has taken place? This might help her.

27 years is a long time. She will have a huge gap in her life and will need to come to terms with her very real loss.

BewareOfDragons · 08/07/2018 15:33

Wow.

His daughter is being vile and selfish. Probably only interested in his estate to be doing something so awful to an old woman who has just lost her partner of 27 years.

Wow.

contrary13 · 08/07/2018 15:35

It's not only spiteful, but also smacks of cowardice on their part. They're running scared, OP, and of the importance that your Nan and her family held in his life over them.

Although I am biased, perhaps, as I can see a very similar situation unfolding in my own family - my mother was adopted by the only man I knew as my grandfather when she was 7, upon his marriage to my grandmother. They went on to have kids of their own, lived harmoniously together as a family, blah, blah, blah. My grandfather, because that's who/what he was to me, died 20 years ago and my grandmother was contented to live alone... until suddenly, a few months ago, she vanished. She spoke to my mother once a week, like clockwork, and my mother was making plans to go and visit her (there's hundreds of miles between my parents home and where my mother grew up)... until she simply disappeared. Of course, my mother was incredibly worried - like your Nan, OP, mine is in her 80s, now - and started to ring round trying to locate her, purely to make sure that she was okay.

My oldest brother discovered, through his in-laws, that the house she and my grandfather had lived in, was up for sale, purely by chance (his MIL drove past, saw the 'For Sale' sign and mentioned it in passing to my SIL). Enquiries were made, and we discovered that my mother's younger half-siblings had convinced my grandmother to leave the home she'd been in for some 60 odd years, and move 200 miles away to live with my aunt. And no one bothered to let my mother know.

Whilst I have my suspicions that my aunt is doing this purely to get her hands on my grandmother's money before she dies (it honestly wouldn't surprise me), it rankles. My mother isn't allowed to speak to her own mother. There's been no contact now in months - and that's likely to continue permanently - and she circles between being concerned for my grandmother's welfare, angry with them all for being so cruel, and grieving a woman who isn't (to the best of our knowledge) even dead yet. When my grandmother does die... will we know?! Will we be told?!

The last thing that my aunt said to me, when I asked her why they hadn't told my mother? "She (my mother) and you aren't even family!" Except... we are in both a legal (my grandfather adopted my mother - and we have the certificate to prove this) and biological (they have a mother in common, if nothing else) sense of the world. She's also likened us to vultures, because I asked if my grandmother was okay and whether it would be possible for her to call my mother.

Essentially, some people are shits, OP. Sad

Flowers for you and your Nan.

Hellywelly10 · 08/07/2018 15:40

Unfortunately the daughter is the nearest relative. If nan has been left anything in the will the solicitor will be in touch. Im assuming the op doesnt know when and where the funeral is? This is just plain nasty behaviour.

Seasawride · 08/07/2018 15:46

Money money money no other reason.

Spiteful bitch may be hiding something

TattyTshirt · 08/07/2018 15:49

Very spiteful! Some people can't help themselves Hmm Your poor nan Flowers