Was this an abusive relationship?

[Norabattystight]

I’m wondering just that really. The relationship has ended and I feel shell shocked.

Things he used to do include :

• love bombing me for six weeks at the start
• criticising me very subtly by making digs about things his ex used to
  do much better than me eg. Cooking. Followed by compliments.
• hot and cold behaviour. He’d be in touch non stop then ignore me for
  days.
• would give silent treatment if things didn’t go his way
• would promise to change but never followed through
• would never call me his girlfriend
• wouldn’t introduce me to family, friends or children
• addicted to porn. Would try out things he saw in porn but would criticise me for not behaving/ moaning as the women in the videos. Would often put his hand round my throat and comment that he’d never hurt me. Viewed it as a fuck, not making love.
• would ignore me for days after sex or have granny style emotionally distant chats about the weather
• Never added me to social media
• Never took me out after the first month, I became a booty call.
• never made me a priority
• Constantly telling me about things he was doing with other female friends ( one of whom is his new partner) who did get taken out.
• Had to be in control of every situation and took pride in it.
• Lied or only told half the story about where he was and with who
• Lied about his past- stream of short relationships and used to be a player
• constantly stood me up or changed plans

I’ve wasted two years on this man. He has a new partner who he made public days after dumping me by ignoring my calls/ not opening the door. New partner is splashed all over social media, is involved with his friends and family and seems to have the commitment I could never get.

It seems to have abusive elements but I’m worried I am over reacting and caused the issues. He seems to be perfect to his new partner so he obviously can treat a woman well.

Sound to me like you were just a booty call. I'm really sorry that you were with him so long OP, you deserve better than that. Couldn't say if he was abusive but he was an absolute arse to you. Sounds like the old "treat them mean keep them keen" kind of thing on his part.

Definitely abusive!

And while he may be 'perfect to his new partner' for the moment, you of all people know that he is incapable of sustaining this, or of functioning normally in a normal relationship.

He won't change for you or anyone else, and you are 100% best off without him.

It’s him not you

I’m pretty sure it was just sex to him regardless of the things he would say. I never knew if I was coming or going, I lost sense of who I was. I spent so long hoping he’d commit to me. He always sensed when I’d had enough and would be attentive round the clock for a few weeks to make sure I wasn’t going anywhere. I walked on egg shells for fear of making him annoyed. Yet I still care about what he thinks of me.

Can a man be abusive even if he isn’t physically violent? His behaviour felt deliberately manipulative, he’d take pleasure in hurting my feelings.

It's not abusive. But he was obviously using you. I'm sorry, OP. It must have knocked your confidence to encounter a person who treated you like this.

I guess it felt so emotionally abusive and controlling. He admitted he deliberately treated me the way he did and had to be on control.

It’s not you who caused the ‘issues’ & you’re not over reacting. You’ve not wasted 2 years. He’s not ‘perfect’ to his new partner and you’re better off out of it.

However me saying this will not suddenly make the feelings dissipate nor will you stop wishing he had ‘committed’ to you instead & you’ll feel hurt for a while. I suggest you go to the relationships board and take advice from there in how to learn to not accept this type of shitty behaviour from a partner. I know how you feel as I’ve been in that position myself. It’s shit and takes time to get over it and years later you’ll wonder why you ever put up with it and question what you saw in them.

Think yourself lucky that you got out of this relationship he is such a bully as his new partner will find out in time.

I’m not sure, it’s very hard not to take it personally.

I would say it was very much an abusive relationship. Abuse is not just physical; as a matter of fact emotional abuse can be worse, as it's so much more insidious, making you doubt yourself. I'm sorry you've been through this, OP - trust me, it's not you. I had a similar experience once and would have continued to have them, had I not woken up one day, raging (that's how it felt). I was so angry, so utterly livid, that I wowed never ever to let someone trample on me like that again., that I was worth more. And I haven't. It will probably take a while, but if you can find anger inside yourself, instead of sadness, this will not happen to you again either - and you can grow from the experience to you.

'Was it my fault?' is a natural part of the grieving when you've been dumped.

I wrote more, but it wasn't helpful so I deleted it. That's it, really. Don't demonize him, don't demonize yourself. be happy again a.s.a.p. xx

Definitely abusive. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical. I’m glad you’re out of it

Sarralim, I’m glad you’re out of it. Raging is a good word to describe how I keep feeling. So full of anger and jealousy. Then I stupidly allow myself to click on pictures of the two of them and when I see how happy an din love they both look, I doubt myself all over again.