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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think school shouldn't be the place for this?

14 replies

namechange1234566 · 07/07/2018 22:28

Name changed for this as it may be outing and don't want my other posts linked.

So ds has no contact with he's dad.
Very long story, but cutting it short he's a drunk, drove him home drunk, left him asleep in a hotel room to go drinking etc so literally not a safe parent.
He got in contact recently via email as this is all he has, he was a changed man etc etc agreed to meet at public place and he turned up steaming and carried on drinking. was really rude, saying he will have ds for sleepovers he will drink around him if he wants etc etc
Ds who is 10 was really sad about he's dads behaviour and said if he contacts you again don't tell me.

Now it's been a few months and ds has just come in to me to say he is playing with a friend on roblox who goes to the same school and she says she has a letter for him from his dad, as his dad is round there for a bbq, turns out her mum is a new gf of a relative of ds dad.
She has said she will bring it into school for him on Monday, he said he replied I don't want any trouble but I don't want it, she said her mum and ds dad have told her she has to give it to him.

Thing is we moved 12 months ago as ds didn't feel safe at our old house sometimes his dad would turn up drunk shouting and stuff, since moving and ds moving school he has been so much more settled. AIBU to go into the school on Monday morning and tell them under no circumstances should letters be passed? I'm not mad at the little girl it's not her fault but surely her mum can see where that is wrong to be getting involved especially since ds has said he doesn't want the letter. If I do go into the school what do I say?

OP posts:
Ladymadness · 07/07/2018 22:31

Definitely go into the school and discuss it with a teacher. Surely this is harassment

namechange1234566 · 07/07/2018 22:38

Yeah it definitely shouldn't be allowed, I don't want the little girl to get into trouble but maybe they could telephone her mum and just explain things can't be passed on like this at school.

OP posts:
Ladymadness · 07/07/2018 22:46

I dont think the little girl would be in trouble with the school. She is a child and just doing what her mother has told her to do. I can see the school having a firm conversation with the mother though.
Hope your ds is doing ok. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and it isnt easy.

ScipioAfricanus · 07/07/2018 22:47

School will respond to this and deal with it. It won’t be getting the little girl in trouble but yes, they will intervene and they will explain to her mum (who is being inappropriate) that this is not acceptable in school (and hopefully she will realise it is inappropriate to involve her and your child in this at all).

I would set out the situation to school as dispassionately as you can - maybe make notes to help you stay on track - the key thing is DS has expressed a wish to have no contact with his father, father/ father’s new GF is attempting to contact him via school pupil passing on communication in school and this cannot happen.

School should also let DS know how they will deal with this if the girl pursues passing stuff on in the short term - e.g. let teachers know that he may put hand up and immediately hand letter to them, or have a designated teacher he will go to with it. I don’t know what they will suggest as I’m not a safeguarding expert but they should have a contingency in place for if she doesn’t keep letter to herself.

Jozxyqk · 07/07/2018 22:50

This definitely sounds like harrassment. Does the school know why you moved? Maybe time to get them involved, if they aren't already.

C0untDucku1a · 07/07/2018 22:52

Definitely see school first thing

garethsouthgatesmrs · 07/07/2018 22:54

You can tell the head of key stage the full story in complete confidence she/he will only discuss with relevant members of staff and they will definitely intervene to prevent the letter and any further communication.

Your poor son. Sounds like you are doing your best for him and that will mean the world to him.

namechange1234566 · 07/07/2018 23:17

I will go into the school first thing Monday and ask for a chat.
I think I do need to tell them the full situation, I didn't before as I felt safe thinking he'd never know where we moved to.
I was self doubting myself thinking maybe I'm overreacting, thank you for your advice everyone Thanks

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 07/07/2018 23:33

YANBU. The school should take this as a safeguarding issue very seriously.

You and your son sound lovely Thanks

Alienspaceship · 07/07/2018 23:39

Why don’t you just talk to the mother yourself? Why drag the school into it? They’re there to educate, and they’re busy enough doing just that. The girl might pass on a letter without the school knowing - and it would hardly by the school’s fault would it?

Timeisslippingaway · 07/07/2018 23:44

I would also second talking to the mother, or perhaps the police? This is harassment. The girl could easily pass this letter to your son without the school knowing.

CruCru · 08/07/2018 12:33

Actually, I would speak to the school about it, at least so they are aware of the situation. If the father turns up, they will want to know that you aren’t in contact.

I would ask them whether they want you to speak to the mother or whether they would prefer to do it themselves. They are likely to want to avoid conflict between the parents.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/07/2018 13:01

If the father has PR and you don't have a court sanction block against him. (unless he turns up in a way that the school can say is detrimental to your child) they cannot do a lot.

CruCru · 10/07/2018 15:07

What did you do in the end OP?

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