To expect partners to ‘manage’ socialising

[Murpher]

Ex DH used every trick in the book to manoeuvre himself into 4/5 night a week of ‘events’ he just couldn’t turn down. Admittedly, he was/is a social athlete and never more comfortable than when 1 elbow is propped on the bar top. It eventually took its toll and along with myriad other reasons, we divorced. No acrimony. Everyone moved on. However, I’m currently seeing the same pattern with younger couples with young children. Predominantly the male partner jostling for ‘more/later nights out’. What’s acceptable?

It is down to individual couples to agree among themselves. I think you maybe are just sensitive to the pattern as it is not something I see among my friends.

I think that far more men manage to carry on socially after the birth of DC than women. I used to hate it when DH went out too often and I got left alone with DD in bed. We couldn't afford babysitters al the time, and how am I meant to build up a social group if I can only leave the house with a child in tow.

We got better about being more equal with it, but it is easy to slip into inequality, particularly if one parent is already home with the DC. I used to finish work first, and be at home already, then DH would go for a 'swift half' while I did bedtime. We did sort it out - and he started to be home in time for me to go out, but it takes discussion and both partners actually wanting to be fair to one another.

I guess it depends what works for your relationship, but no I wouldn’t be happy with that. My dh and I have a few weekends away a year, otherwise if we aren’t working we’re home. Our friends all have dispersed quite far now and have kids, so there’s no quick ones down at the pub. Seeing friends means like 3 hours in the car and at least one overnight, so it’s a few weekends a year away for each of us. I have a friend who did the whole equal nights out each week thing. She went out with girlfriends 3-4 nights a week and he went out the other 3-4 nights a week. Turns out he wasn’t going out with his mates! They’re now divorced. I think you have to be committed to spending time together if you want your relationship and family to be happy. I know I wouldn’t want to spend 3 nights a week home alone doing everything myself even if it meant I also got that much time for going out. A few weekends a year to ourselves is fine. But we got married because we actually like being together.

What’s acceptable?

What ever works in a relationship. There is no right/wrong if both parties are happy.

It's a very WC thing to go for a pint on the way home, pubs are full of builders and trades on the beer from round 4pm until their wife knocks off and get home at around 6pm. Its certainly not an 'age' thing - the pub is full of 20 -70's, and there are plenty of 70 somethings still doing manual work.

Depends on the couple. My DH hates going out socialising and always has done. Pre children i’d go out pretty much every weekend and he’d stay in. Post children I can’t be bothered to go out to much but I still go out more than DH. As long as it’s not affecting family life and everyone’s pulling their weight what does it matter if one partner wants to go out and the other wants to stay in?

P.s. it’s different if both partners want to go out and one won’t share childcare fairly so both get equal time out. That’s not on.