Going from 3-4 children

[user590]

Sorry I wasn't sure which section to post this under..

I have just found out I am unexpectedly pregnant with baby 4.

I just don't know what to do for the best, our situation isn't ideal, youngest will be off to school in September so there will be 5,7 and 9 years between our current children and the baby so quite a big gap and we will be starting over again.

Our car is big enough but our house isn't, we have just moved into a 3 bed (one is a box room) and signed a 2 year contract (rented), there is a possibility we could move after this 2 years, but ideally we were hoping to stay for at least 3/4 years. It would be a squeeze. We could afford another baby and maintain our current lifestyle.

I worry about spreading my time, if we could cope with another and what or family and friends would think going to 4 children!

Would it BU to squeeze another one in?

Congratulations! You will be fine. It's just over three years since I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with my fourth. Also in a three bed rented house. She's now two, has pretty much toilet trained herself and is bloody amazing.

The others are 9, 7 and 5, and my lovely ex husband decided to walk out on us all when baby no 4 was 7 weeks old - but she was the making of me. in fact I'm going to TTC number 5

YANBU. Congrats. :)

I've got 4 and we have 3 bedrooms, one is a single but with sloped roof so smallish usable space. We have bunk beds and the kura bed for them. So they all fit.

The biggest cost for us from 3-4 was the car but you said that's ok?

It might be harder with the current house but ime the baby was with us for the first year anyway so only shared a room after that so then you'd not have long before rental period was up (ie 8 months pregnancy then another year only leaves 4 months...)

The boys already have bunk beds, tbh their room is so big they could easily fit another bed in there but as they get older not ideal with 3rd being a girl.

Our little girl already has the kura bed too so I did think we could just put the mattress in the bottom and they could still have space to play in there in the day too, OH also suggested getting a sofa bed but that seemed a bit OTT IMO, plus with 4 children I think we need our own space. 4 beds do come up in our price range but I just worry about the cost of the move etc etc. It does all add up and realistically because we would literally need to buy everything that already is a big expense. We won't realistically be able to buy tbh (we are in south London) so we won't ever have the option to extend etc.

It's not really ideal, plus I'm not over the shock (only found out yesterday) and I don't feel a bond like I have with the others as it was unplanned and all I am doing is worrying, with our heads we are thinking not to have the baby but our hearts say the other but I'm not excited at all about it and that worries me and makes me question what decision is for us.

As the baby was unplanned and you've just found out, it's not surprising that you're not that excited. You're probably still in a bit of shock.

I'd pretty much cleared out all baby stuff when no.3 came along but by then I had a host of mummy friends/contacts so it wasn't as expensive. We borrowed, bought second hand etc and I think once you've had one you know what you actually need rather than getting a load of baby stuff because a magazine or shop made you feel like you needed to.
Like I said before, you're a while off needing bigger and you don't know what will happen in that time. And really, if you have 3 good sized rooms you'd be ok so you might not need to rent a 4 bed. It's normal to worry a little but I'd let the news settle in a bit.
Hugs to you. X

We have four DC in a three bedroom house. The three girls share with a triple bunk bed and ds has the box room. Tbh we have found that downstairs space is the more important when the children are younger and they really only sleep in their bedrooms.

It sounds like you are still adjusting to the idea of a fourth baby. It is definitely possible to manage and many people do, it may mean your plans will have to adapt though.

Our downstairs space isn't huge, but the garden is large and we have two bathrooms! The house is our main worry! DH is supportive either way but I think he is more head over heart and is happy how things are and is worried about rocking the boat but he is a fantastic hands on dad and I know he would be fine, he said he is 50/50. I just hate feeling this disconnected, I honestly just feel numb and whilst trying to think practically I can't think properly if that makes sense?

Don't have a sofa bed. Really, I speak from experience after a year you will be pulling your hair out-I felt I had no space or room for stuff, totally dehumanised and utterly sick of the kids. Their stuff was everywhere, I had nothing or nowhere. I was a much better parent for them sharing.

I guess I just feel a bit reckless also, going into having four children isn't a walk in the park, squashing is into a small house etc etc

Only you can decide... I have three and the amount of people that say you may as well have four is unbelievable. People say going from
3-4 is ‘easy’ as you are already used to being stretched etc... so I think you would be fine. Take some time, assuming you are only just pregnant, you have time to think it through properly. Good luck!

I have no doubt you could handle a new addition quite wonderfully. It's a shock, I'm sure, but you're an experienced, loving mum who knows how to raise children. Life might be crazy for a while, but that's the norm when you have children, whether it be 2, 3 of them or 4. Before you know it, your children are grown and life is completely different. I know from experience! Obviously, I don't know you and can't speak for you, but I am concerned that if you terminate this pregnancy, it may be a decision you regret and carry guilt from forever. I wish you the very best.

I already had 2 sons when DH and I got together, and then we had 3 more children in 4 years. It was a squash, we had a three bed house, but we worked it out and managed. When my PFB was 18 his GF, now my DiL came to live with us too - now that took organisation but again, we managed.
It's harder thinking about it than it was just doing it - you will be fine, honestly.
Our only major "thing" we had to sort out was that we bought a people carrier with seven seats and room for three car seats - it actually came with two "built in" and became part of the family in the end.
You can do it, honestly, give yourself time to get over the shock and everything will fall into place!

I have fairly similar age gaps. My elder three were 5, 9 and 10 when youngest arrived. They are now 13, 12, 8 and 3.

My situation is different to yours but just wanted to say that the 5 year age gap between my youngest two was by far my favourite age gap and it's the age gap I always recommend to others.

To have the time to devote to only having youngest at home, with all the others at school, was a lovely privilege. In all my other times with a baby, I also had a toddler at home too.

Ime going from 3-4 was easier than 2-3!
Now you have 2 pairs and no spares!!

we had 3 more children in 4 years
[shocked]
Do you have a tv now?

just I learned to answer that with a breezy " well we finally found out what's causing it so we've stopped doing it"

Thanks for the replies everyone, and thank you for not judging how we stupidly got into this in the first place! I was expecting a lot more of that and it's really nice to know people I don't even know are supportive and understanding, I just hope our families are the same. I will probably be back on tomorrow Panicking again! But off to bed now! Thank you all for your kind words tonight xx

You and your partner and your children are your family! Once you decide what works for you, it's not up to anyone else!
If they can't say anything supportive, tell them to say nothing at all!

User590, are you sure this is what you want? Sorry not sure how far along you are. If it’s going to be a huge presssure on existing children and you then think this through carefully.

Congratulations!!! You will be absolutely fine. Our fourth baby was born when our other 3 were 10, 7 and 4. We had a three bedroom house when she was born and it was a bit of a squash and a squeeze at the time but we made do. Youngest is now 15 and the only one at home - I miss the noise tbh but family dos are great!!

Congratulations !!!!

Our #4 was also a surprise and it took me a while to get my head around it, in all honesty. We also have three rooms. The three boys share and DD has the small room. We bought stuva cabin beds from Ikea which helped a lot.

DS3 is now 3 years old. (Others are 9,8&5). My home is chaotic, and we have no savings/spare cash at the end of the month but it's a phase and everyone is happy/healthy and we all still love each other.

We were in exactly this situation years ago - even a 3rd child who was a girl. Dc4 turned out to be a boy. He stayed in our room for a good while then we moved him in with dd into the box room. With care both fit, as they both had small toddler beds. They stayed there together as long as I could manage it. When one of them needed a big bed dc4 went to share with his brothers. Looking back now I wish I had kept the boy and girl together longer as at bedtimes I split them into 2 groups and this was more manageable, eg., littles bath teeth story and bed, then next bigs bath etc.

The two younger boys then had a bunk bed and the eldest had a high sleeper. Only by the time dc4 was 7 (the other boys were like yours much older) did I start to be desperate for more space. So we then had an extension - I realise this isnt possible on rented property! It was my two eldest that really pushed me to acquire more rooms. As soon as they were teenagers they needed their own space away from the little one.

Now they are all 11+ in their own rooms, we never see them lol and I love having 4! Easy isnt a word I would use but I dont regret it.

I was very busy on the run up to dc4 being born but he was such a bundle of fun and the children loved to watch him. He was spoilt rotten. He is still the family clown. I literally fell in love with him.

@SingingTunelessly - deep down I know we could cope with 4, we would make it work, like I said OH is hands on and I work only 6 hours a week which I could probably continue. The only negative is I was going to go to college to study childcare (I already work in the nursery) but tbh that was just to keep myself busy once youngest started school, I didn't need it for work and I am almost certain I don't want to work in childcare for ever so it was kind of for the sake of it. The main worry like i said is space as we have a small three bed literally a living room and eat in kitchen downstairs and downstairs toilet, upstairs another bathroom, two big doubles and a box room! Our garden is massive and we have a detached garage so plenty of storage there. We could possibly move but we will never afford a 5 bed where we are so they could have a room each or at least not how we are plodding along now.

The idea of number four just seems a bit scary tbh!

Sorry pressed send to early! Quite a few of our friends have three children, however we don't know anyone with four yet! So it is unknown.

Although I mentioned that our children have a bedroom each, my older two would have been happy to share, therefore a 4 bed is doable later on. However ... all of this can be decided later. First, obviously, you will decide whether you would like to continue with your pregnancy. Then if it is a yes, really your don't have to move for another 4 years. Or finish your agreed rented time then move. I think you might get away with it for 4 or 5 years, with baby in your room, then dd room or boys room. At one point we had our sons set of drawers on the landing. We used a shed in the garden as a playhouse. We stored toys in it - but made it nice enough to play in - and rotated the toys that entered the house. It required thought and organisation but was possible.