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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I genuinely need to know if I'm am being unreasonable

24 replies

WhateverIshoulsntreallycare · 07/07/2018 12:05

It's my birthday today. And it's a bit shit.
I have some fairly serious issues with my family. My mum has been very hard on me and mean stuff been happening. My sister cut contact with all of us and I haven't heard from her for months now so yeah it's shit. It's out of my control as well.

I have a boyfriend who I really love and I think he loves me too. But today is my birthday and I feel like he doesn't really give a fuck. He bought me some presents quick very nice of him but it feels like he got them cause 'he had to get something'. And it doesn't really feel good. I really rather he didn't buy anything. He slept till 12 pm this morning as well, which I understand he's been so busy with work and we stayed up late last night but I don't know I feel like it would have been nice to have breakfast in bed and just feel like he cared. I also asked him what we are doing today and he just went 'what do you want to do?' I mean I don't know what I supposed to say for that.

It's fine. It's just a birthday but I feel so small and I feel like I feel so not loved.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhateverIshoulsntreallycare · 07/07/2018 12:06

I feel shit and selfish for feeling like this and I don't know if I'm being a unreasonable

OP posts:

OzMumofBoys · 07/07/2018 12:09

Happy Birthday

SomeKnobend · 07/07/2018 12:09

Sounds like he wants to make you happy but doesn't know what to do. Just stop sulking and tell him what you want. He's not a mindreader but that doesn't mean he doesn't care.

Sirzy · 07/07/2018 12:10

I think if you want specific then it is probably best to make it clear in advance.

By adulthood people do have very varying expections for their birthdays. I am very much of the “it’s just anoyher day” School of thought so wouldn’t necessarily think to do lots for someone else unless they had specifically said it’s what they like

SingitJane · 07/07/2018 12:14

He bought you presents and wants to do what you want to do on your birthday.

I'm not sure what the problem is.

Celebelly · 07/07/2018 12:14

My DP doesn't have much imagination for stuff so if I want something a certain way, I have to tell him. If I said 'I'd love breakfast in bed and then a day trip to blah blah for my birthday' then he'd happily do that for me, but he probably wouldn't come up with it on his own as he just doesn't work that way (and it's not what he'd choose for his own birthday). I'm used to it now, but it was a bit frustrating at the start so I understand why you might feel upset. But you might just have to be a bit more upfront about your expectations with him so he knows what you want.

Cornettoninja · 07/07/2018 12:15

Happy birthday 🍰

I think you are been unreasonable sorry. The mind reader comments are spot on - if you haven’t told him how is he meant to know. You’re idea of being spoiled and made to feel cared about may be very different to his.

Presents are a tough one at the best of times tbh it seems either you’re a great gift buyer or not - it really is the thought that counts.

Take control and enjoy the day doing something you want to do with him. The more you do things you enjoy the better idea he will have of how to surprise you.

FuckingHateRain · 07/07/2018 12:17

I think if you didn't have the other family issues you probably wouldn't react like this

The important thing is that you're happy, if he's there for you more than your family tell him how you feel, I'm sure he ll respond
Enjoy your birthday x

Bluntness100 · 07/07/2018 12:18

How old are you?

He bought you gifts and is willing to do whatever you wish for your birthday. That's what you respond with, what you wish to do. Some people aren't great at gifts, but responding with youd rather he didn't bother is quite unpleasant. It's the thought that counts.

I think wanting breakfast in bed is a little much really, but if you wanted that you should have told him. It's not something I've ever wanted and neither has my husband, but if I suddenly did, I'd tell him and not expect him to guess.

RayRayBidet · 07/07/2018 12:18

I totally get how you feel. I have felt the same way.
Fwiw I think it's because he lacks imagination rather than him not caring. My DH is the same. Sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn't know me at all. But it is really because he has absolutely no imagination.
Tell him that you are feeling down because of the family shite so you want to do something nice and then tell him what you would like to do.
Happy birthday op x

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 07/07/2018 12:19

Over the years I've realised that you really need to say what you want when it comes to birthdays. Your boyfriend is not a mind reader.
It sounds like you're stuck in a negative thought cycle today where everything feels like shit and it feels like no one cares.

I would suggest you take charge of the day, tell your boyfriend what you want to do, go out for the day, have fun, eat food, drink great wine, laugh as much as you can

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

ScipioAfricanus · 07/07/2018 12:21

You may also need to train your boyfriend! Mine (now my husband) used to give me presents which were stuff he liked (bless him, he was trying to share his likings with me but it felt really thoughtless!). Over the years he’s got better and better at listening out for things I’m interested in and I’m ashamed to say he’s a better present buyer for me than I am for him nowadays.

You probably feel particularly sensitive because if your family and I’m sorry about that as it’s horrid. But try to separate his behaviour from that backdrop of how you are feeling - he sounds like he is trying and might just need some direction!

Fivelittleduckies · 07/07/2018 12:22

YABU to your boyfriend. If you want something specific tell him, you cannot expect him to just know what to do and what you want. And if he bought you presents - appreciate it.

But also...

Happy Birthday!

Justblockthebitch · 07/07/2018 12:28

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OP
It's your birthday and you wanted to have a bit of a fuss made of you. That's not unreasonable, you want a bit of extra attention on your birthday as it's a special day for you.
Go out and have fun - go buy yourself a badge that says it's my birthday and enjoy yourself and do what you want to do, maybe go to the pub and put all your favourite songs on the jukebox and claim you're allowed as it's your birthday.
Know it's not much but

Summersup · 07/07/2018 12:30

Your boyfriend sounds nice and not the source of the problem here.

He bought gifts, he wants to take you places. He is not the bad guy here.

You are obviously upset by your family.

I would suggest you tell him you are upset by your family and having a bad day. Then think of something you'd like to do and ask him to take you there, even just out for a coffee.

There is potential to still have a nice day, Happy Birthday!

ThunderInMyHeart · 07/07/2018 12:31

I’d be pissed off with it all. The gift from your bf is a matter of you speaking up. Him sleeping in late and having zero plan wouldn’t be ok with me.

Happy birthday!

Gwenhwyfar · 07/07/2018 12:43

I wouldn't expect to get up early on my birthday! I think your poor boyfriend is getting the blame for what is happening with your family. It sounds really nice to be able to choose what you want to do? What do you want to do? Walk around a nice park? Go out for lunch?
My birthday this year was on a Thursday. So much nicer on a Saturday.

Stirner · 07/07/2018 12:45

To be honest it sounds like you're pissed off with your family, taking it out in your boyfriend and using your birthday as a stick to beat him with.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/07/2018 12:49

He doesn’t sound very good at this sort of stuff. No one can be good at everything. You’re going to have to train him.

rhebarb · 07/07/2018 12:49

I one of the people who just doesn't get or care for birthdays whatsoever. They're just another day. I wouldn't think twice about having a lie-in, and there's no way I'd magically read someone else's mind if they hadn't said anything about what they'd like to do.

So yes, on this one you are being unreasonable really.

In future you could tell him what you'd like and why it's important to you, and see how he reacts, but really I agree that you're pissed off with your family and taking it out on him.

Chewbecca · 07/07/2018 12:49

Also a bit confused, he has given gifts and asked what you want to do. Tell him what you want to do!

bandthenjust · 07/07/2018 13:02

Happy birthday! You're kinda not unreasonable BUT BUT you can be responsib le for making your own bday good. Go get yourself a cake.

GabsAlot · 08/07/2018 16:31

my dh never surprises me on birthdays if i want t do something i organise it -hes always been like this i accept it you have to sometimes just do it yourself

DesignStatement · 08/07/2018 17:10

Happy Birthday 💐💐🍾🍾. It is shit when people don't make a fuss of your birthday - it's your day after all. Make sure you treat yourself.

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