31 years old and still being guilt tripped by dm

[Shippers1987]

Just wanted some perspective if I am over reacting or not regarding a message receive from my dm.

Backstory .. I'm a full time working mum.. My mum lives about 2 hours drive away and we see her every 3 months or so. I will admit I am guilty for not being the first one to contact her and she will always instigate the conversation... I will reply though within a couple of hours,

I posted on Facebook for advise on getting married abroad and who can help.. now dm knows we were planning on getting married abroad , but due to other circumstances we haven't been able to do anything about it until now ( been engaged 4 years).

Message from dm states ... nice way for your mum to find out you're planning on getting married.... then a rant how I never contact her or message her first.. I held my hands up and said yes I'm guilty I'm not going to make excuses and I'll make more of an effort.

She then goes on to say I don't care about her.. that I'll regret it when she's gone and poor dh will know all about it ( lost his mum in his early 20's) and that everywhere will be booked for 2019 so should forget it and look at getting married in 2020.

I found this quite harsh.. I'd already apologised and it solidifies the reason why I probably do avoid messaging her/ seeing her more often as she always has a negative thing to say and always finds an opertunity for guilt tripping me. She suffers badly with depression so I do try to take this into consideration.. I have also suffered in the past but in a good state now but speaking to mum sends me into an anxious quivering wreck... am I being oversensetive or do I need to stand up to her and not accept the way I've been spoken to.

Just to confirm Op, you’ve been engaged for a while, but was this the first time your mum had heard that you were actually doing the deed? If so, I think she’s entitled to feel a bit hurt. I’d just apologise and try and move on. I work full time and appreciate how tough it is to make time to call my mum, but do try and text her. Could u send a “u ok?” text once a week. I’m assuming you actually want to have a relationship with your mum of course

Yeah I've passed ideas back and fourth with her in the past .. I.e checking she was ok with us getting married abroad... nothing is confirmed I just needed a little help in planning from an expert due to time limitations on my part... I do want a relationship and need to improve it and I'd already apologised to her for the lack of this in the message before , she only works part time so may have forgotten how hectic it is to run a household with little ones whilst working.. she only worked reduced hours when we were younger

In that case you are definitely not being unreasonable. She sounds like hard work and yes you’re probably right that her mental health doesn’t help. However, it also effects you and you may need some counselling to help with how to handle her ? Counselling helped me deal with my dysfunctional parents 🤣

Nothing unreasonable about your post to FB. You DM is very unreasonable.

i'd have to post "Well mum, you know I've been engaged for the past 4 years to it was bound to happen at some time. DFiance and me have decided that X place looks good/Y time is a good time to actually get married, or did you think I was going to stay engaged forever? Listen, let's take this off line and I'll phone you for a chat to discuss".

And then take it off line. If you have enough permission, I'd even consider deleting her negative post(s).

By permission, I mean in the application, not from your mum

Ok, as a Mum of adult children I’m pretty relaxed about contact but I’d be a bit cheesed off if my dc never initiated contact. And reading about your intentions on FB would have been a bit of a kick.

I’m also the daughter of a Mum who lives quite a way away and she definitely needs contact more than I do for various reasons and sometimes I do have to make myself pick up the phone and chat for 20-30 minutes about random stuff. She also can be quite negative which can be draining but I prepare myself for it and usually it’s easier than I fear.

Your DM went too far in what she said but take it on the chin and resolve to do a bit better. Carve out a bit of time each week for a chat and make contact in other ways in between even just a quick message or photo.

I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t have some kind of similar issues with their mothers and it’s lifelong. Not saying we all have dysfunctional relationships just that expectations so rarely coincide.

Just to clarify she'd messaged me on fb and didn't actually comment on the post, yes I am guilty of not contacting her. I suppose I'm afraid of her dragging me down mentally.. when she is staying over she makes comments on my cleaning how there is dust on my skirting boards or when she offered to help do the ironing the fact I hadn't smoothed the clothes out first ( I give them a shake before pegging them up). I was also there for her when she tried to take her life two years ago and left dh with dd.. I had to take unpaid time off work as did he as his shifts didn't accommodate looking after dd full time, where my sis didn't visit her once ( dss cut her off but is now in contact with her again I didn't appreciate this so rarely contact diss but do a few months betrayed me for not contacting her also.. thankfully step dad stuck up for me). I was very anxious as a teenager when living with her and has probably taken me the best part of 10 years to learn to relax a little and appreciate the little things... it's comments like these from her that turn me back to how I used to be.

What is it about mothers that turn you back into acting like a teenager again!

If you could get some therapy around this you may find it transformative. Your current coping mechanism is to avoid contact which is very understandable but also is keeping you constantly on the back foot. You are a good daughter and I’ve no doubt she knows this and loves you very much.

If you can understand the dynamic between you better and learn to let some of the silly stuff ( not silly to you but ultimately daft comments about your skirtings etc) go, you can build a healthier relationship. She sounds very fragile. You are not responsible for her happiness but can draw up boundaries of what you can and cannot five or be.

As they always say, you can’t change her, only yourself.

Great advice matildathecat, I really appreciate it thank you.

Op I was going to chide yourself for not talking to your poor dm.

But reading about cleaning stuff.. No.

Can't spend another second of my life listening to cleaning rubbish.

Your mum sounds like hard work. If you have to guilt and use emotional manipulation on your child then something has gone very wrong.

She sounds like the kind of person who needs boundaries. Big ones.

Its a bit of a cycle isn't it? Something upsets her- be it you or something else- she gets upset and rants and tries to guilt- you end up struggling and find it such strain and stress then so you dont call her and then she is upset at you for not making an effort to put yourself out there for more stress!