I’d be very interested to have anyone’s take on a friend’s behaviour.
We’ve known each other for 4 years, always have a good time and enjoy a shared sense of humour. The problem is that she often asks for favours (which I am happy to help with), but on the rare occasions I ask for anything in return, she doesn’t reciprocate.
Some examples. Until recently I owned a property with a fair bit of land and barns. She asked to use them for product photography for her business, which I was happy to let her do even though occasionally this was inconvenient.
She and her boyfriend would often come round to enjoy the land and lake for fishing and recreation (I was usually based elsewhere). Again, I was happy she was getting some enjoyment out of the property. When I was in situ, I would always offer her a few/many glasses of fizz when she visited and enjoyed our chats. Many bottles were consumed over the years but she never thought to bring a bottle herself. Despite living round the corner, I’ve never been invited to her house for a coffee or a drink.
When I was moving I had organised for the RSPCA to take some good pieces of furniture I didn’t need – one of which was a nice picture which she told me she would like and could she have it. Of course, I said, even though I would have preferred it had gone to the charity if I’m honest.
I had loads of log briquettes in the barn and said she could take some if she wanted. The next day I am driving into the property to find her in the garage, tossing the briquette packets into the back of her huge pick-up truck – she took hundreds. Again, no problem as I had no need for them myself (although the new owners wanted some, also I had other friends who I’d offered them to). Is it OK?’ she asked, tongue in cheek,shall I pay you for them?’ of course I said no but joked that she could `buy me a drink sometime’. Sadly this never happened.
To be fair, her boyfriend did mow a small amount of lawn outside the house. However, he then took the mower away (it wasn’t working very well and he said he’d repair it) and never returned it. The new owner had got in touch to ask if I would leave it as he would fix it himself but my friend obfuscated about its return so I did not pursue it.
Despite all this I feel that whenever I’ve asked for a favour she makes an excuse not to help. A year ago, I was between places (the property I’ve talked about was then rented and I’d just moved out of my other property to do building work). She’d offered to sublet her house to me for a week over Easter (I’d pay her rent) and she’d stay with her boyfriend. But a few days before she just went incommunicado so I ended up sleeping on a friend’s floor (too late to get a hotel, also I have a dog). But I let it go. There was another instance when I asked her to do some minor thing and she again said no.
But the most upsetting thing is that on the weekend I was moving out of the property (I’d cleared most stuff but there was a last minute panic as the buyers had asked for a few more weeks but then suddenly were able to complete on time after all), I asked if DP and I could use her pick-up truck to move the last minute stuff. “Yes you can”, she explained reluctantly, “but it wouldn’t be a good idea as things will blow off”. (!) DP is handy and has tarpaulin and rope etc so this was really just excuses (we wanted to move a mattress and dishwasher).
We had a stressful weekend sorting stuff out and even though she said she’d give a hand she never turned up.
And then a few days later when the danger of my needing any help has passed, she messages to ask if everything is OK. I couldn’t face replying, hence phone calls, texts, messages asking if I am blanking her’. She knew I was fed up because she started making excuses why she couldn’t help, I was waiting for you to ring me’, when the truth was, I’d asked her 3 times.
I’m disappointed that she’d had years of pleasure from this property and enjoyed my hospitality but on my last day, when I really needed her, she made excuses why she couldn’t help. I feel that she is extremely comfortable asking for favours but uncomfortable giving back.
In her defence, she would argue that she gave me a lot of support on the phone when I had tenant problems and she is a good listening ear.
Although I am fond of her and do think she has good qualities, AIBU not to be able to face her anymore?