to think that this was a really fucking weird thing to say to a pregnant woman?

[LoopyGreen]

In Tesco this morning and bumped in to someone I knew a very long time ago. She commented that I was pregnant and congratulated me. Asked me who my partner was (we all went to school together years ago) and she was a bit shocked to say the least by my choice of partner. Anyway. I'm mixed race so half black/half white but fairly pale, and DP is white with super fair features. Never really crossed my mind but she felt it appropriate to blurt our 'you know your baby will probably look white...' (like that's a bad thing ). I was absolutely stunned! What a weird, weird thing to say.... AIBU to think that her head isn't screwed on right?

I think people are genuinely fascinated by mixed race families. My own family is (3 generations including partners from different ethnicities too - we are white, japanese, black and pakistani). We always get the "ooh how lovely, rainbow family" etc comments. Not something we think about, but for most white people it's probably really interesting!

I think it's a massive foot in mouth moment that's all, doesn't sound malicious, we just all have our guards up for dodgy comments.

Some People seem to lose the ability to think about what they are saying to pregnant woman.
We had one of those moments when my husband and I bumped into a colleague from work in Town. She exclaimed that I was HUGE and that I’m going to have a massive baby, my ‘area’ will never be the same again. Gawd you must have loads of stretch marks! Are you struggling now?
For the record, I’m all bump and have so far avoided any stretch marks.
I just thought “you bitch” inside but laughed it off when she was saying it...but it has added to the determination to look better than I did pre pregnancy when I go back to work. I hope she chokes on her coffee when I walk into the break room (obviously that remark is in jest).

I'm biracial, my DH is white. People used to ask me what colour I thought it would be.

After the first ten times I started blankly responding "green".

Sounds like a blunder on her part though, I bet she's mortified.

It is a weird comment to make for sure! Do you think there was any malice behind it though? I’m not saying there wasn’t, but some people are just really shit at small talk. I had a boss at my old company who I found really intimidating, he spoke to everyone else like they were stupid. I had a two week holiday booked and on my last day at work, he said to me “have a nice break”. I was so taken aback because it was so out of character for him to say anything nice to anyone, that my response was “you too”. That probably confirmed to him that I was a moron!

A colleague of mine congratulated me on my first pregnancy and then said, as a joke, "I assume it is your husband's?" I didn't find it funny

I'd never say it but I just laughed like a drain...no accounting for taste I suppose.

Is that what people think when they look at a mixed couple? What colour their kid will be lol? Bizarre! Even me and DP haven't thought about this.

You haven't? We usually wonder about our babies and what/who they will look like from the moment we know they're growing.
Will they be a boy or girl, will they be blonde like Mum or dark like Dad, will they have blue, brown or green eyes, will they be tall or short, will they have freckles, could they be red haired like their cousins... etc etc etc.
If you are mixed race and your DP is white, I find it more bizarre that wondering how this combination of mixed racial heritage will be passed down through your DC hasn't even crossed your mind.

Dh and I are both dark, hair, eyes, skin. We managed to produce a fair, blonde, very blue eyed baby. I've had "he's never yours?!" "Is his Dad blonde then?" (I was stood with DH at the time) "where did you steal him from?" And a few others. Genetics are weird but people are weirder.

LoopyGreen Thu 05-Jul-18 10:00:45
In Tesco this morning and bumped in to someone I knew a very long time ago. She commented that I was pregnant and congratulated me. Asked me who my partner was (we all went to school together years ago) and she was a bit shocked to say the least by my choice of partner. Anyway. I'm mixed race so half black/half white but fairly pale, and DP is white with super fair features. Never really crossed my mind but she felt it appropriate to blurt our 'you know your baby will probably look white...' (like that's a bad thing hmm). I was absolutely stunned! What a weird, weird thing to say.... AIBU to think that her head isn't screwed on right?

I think it's weirder to say someone has fair features tbh. What does that even mean? You wouldn't say someone has 'black features', so you shouldn't say it about white people.

I presume 'fair features' means light eye colour, white/blonde lashes and eyebrows etc. This is a perfectly reasonable comment, and not in the least racist. White people can also have dark features FGS!!

That's complexion.

A fair/dark complexion is perfectly acceptable, black or white features, probably not so much...

I'm French and have blue eyes. DH is Spanish and has very dark brown hair and brown eyes. When I was pregnant with DS I lost count of the number of colleagues and friends who said how it would be a shame our DC would lose my blue eyed gene. . I thought that was really rude so I see where OP is coming from.

I think the woman OP bumped into was thoughtless rather than trying to be rude and might well be embarrassed when she remembers/realises later what she's said.

Yep - just a thoughtless comment...but its worth pointing out that 'I don't mind as long as its healthy' can be an equally crass comment if its overheard or directed to someone who has children with disabilities.

*That's complexion.

A fair/dark complexion is perfectly acceptable, black or white features, probably not so much...*

As a foreign person whose third language is English I have no idea what complexion is (but feel free to explain it to me in Dutch). I also mentioned white in my post. I think that everyone perfectly understood what I wrote and how I meant it.

This thread reminded me of these two girls, who are twin sisters.

I love thinking about this! I am half Indian and have two siblings. There are so many possibilities! There are three genes for skin colour so it is more complicated than is first apparent.
One of my sisters has had a baby with her boyfriend who is also mixed race. So her baby is half English, 1/4 Black 1/4 Indian.
I am sorry you hadn’t thought about it and found it a shock.

There’s no way to tell though with mixed race. DC could be darker than both of you or lighter than both of you. It’s not paint- it’s genes - they mix in ways that can bring up the features of previous generations and seemingly ignore the current one.

I’d chalk it up to foot in mouth mostly. People say really bizarre things to people in general and they seem to get weirder when pregnancy is involved. I recently told people that I’m pregnant with #3 and someone remarked “well at least you don’t have ugly babies”.. like wtf? Thanks? God forbid if they thought otherwise!

My husband made an offhand joking comment when our son was born “are you sure he’s mine?” because DS came out looking a bit tanner than our daughter did and with much darker hair, I laughed it off (knowing his sense of humour and that it was very tongue in cheek) but the midwife looked ready to throttle him!

Super weird... what was she thinking?

Your comment about you and your partner not wondering made me wonder if I’m weird though.

I’m white and had kids with a white man.. I wondered throughout what colour their hair would be, who they’d look like etc.
I’m now expecting child number three. My partner is half Jamaican.. there are so many more variables this time round... skin colour, hair texture, my partners gorgeous lips or thinner ones like mine... I wonder all the time and can not wait to find out!

Your friend was weird, and also wrong.. literally any mix of genes could happen.

Not sure. My partner and I are from entirely different races and our child is mixed rave and a comment like this would not have offended me