When do you say ‘I’ve done all I can’?

[CoughLaughFart]

I have a close friend at work who I feel is being controlled by her partner. He’s pushing her to move out of London back to his home town, on the basis it will be cheaper to buy a house. It will - but she doesn’t want to leave London. She wants children eventually; he wants them immediately. His career is not location-dependent; hers will be much harder to maintain outside of London. She’ll be leaving her home, her friends and her job, and will be an extra two hours away from her family; he will be around the corner from his and closer to his friends.

It seems like he holds all the cards. Another friend of ours shares my concerns and we’ve both expressed them. Our friend has admitted she has massive doubts about moving and that she isn’t even really sure she’s in love with him - but her eventual response is always ‘But I just love him’ (not ‘I’m IN love with him’) and ‘I don’t want to be on my own’.

We’ve both tried to persuade her to reconsider, to remind her that, if she moves away with him and it all goes wrong, she’s stuck in his home town near his family and friends with no support of her own (and potentially no job). We seem to be getting through to her, but she slips back into the pattern.

Would you keep trying to help a good friend? Or do we have to accept at some point that we’ve made our concerns known and it’s up to her to decide?

You may well be right and this may be an utter disaster.
But by pressuring her you're not really helping her are you?
You've made your feelings known. Support her and let her know that you'll always be there for her if she needs it.

But by pressuring her you're not really helping her are you?

Well this is my question - when does help become pressure?

Maybe you could ask her what would happen if she refused to leave?

From what I understand he throws a tantrum of the ‘But why don’t you LOVE ME?!?!’ variety.

On the other hand why should he have to stay in London? I think they both need to find some sort of compromise

I would possibly point her in the direction of the fair few posts on here from women with kids, a long way from home, with no money and getting progressively abused.

That's all you can do.

On the other hand why should he have to stay in London

He shouldn’t. But if he leaves, he has family, friends and a job to keep him afloat. She will be living off his wage until she gets a job, br hours away from family and friends and, if he has his way, pregnant with no maternity leave.

Thanks.

It sounds like despite your concern she's determined. So all you can do is discuss or suggest a workable Plan B or escape route if it goes horribly wrong (and be there if it does) .

What's her personality like? I mean, some women have a backbone and can stand up for themselves and others...well, are biddable and can be trampled on. Is she in the former category or the latter?

She’s a people pleaser. She will stand up for herself when pushed, but she gets very agitated if she thinks she’s upset or offended someone.

Unfortunately she's already being abused by this controlling prick. More red flags than Karl Marx's knicker drawer. He wants her trapped and isolated and dependent on him.

But it's very difficult to make someone see clearly that they are in this much danger, because abusive men are still seen as romantic and passionate, and women are still pressured to give themselves over to some male owner or be regarded as a failure.

Does she like to read at all? Maybe get her a copy of Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That' and see if that will open her eyes.

“From what I understand he throws a tantrum of the ‘But why don’t you LOVE ME?!?!’ variety.”

Right, but what happens after that?

She gives in to keep the peace 😕

You need to point out that ye is being incredibly selfish. He wants their entire lives on his terms at the cost of her career potentially. If she loves him then good for her but if he presents her with the choice of either doing what he says or splitting up then he doesn't love her.