Ex hasn;t paid maintenance but he is ill but they haven't spoken to me about it!

[WhereDidAllTheWashingComeFrom]

Morning wonderful people in my phone, I wanted some advice on how to handle this situation. Background is; my Husband walked out 6 years ago after starting an affair with a lady in his office. we got divorced, reasonably amicable but very minimal communication between us. We have a 8 year old girl together who lives with me. Ex-DH pays minimal maintenance but that's a different story!

Fast forward to two months ago, he is rushed into hospital and scans showed a lung tumour, very nasty, stage 4 - not good prognosis, he has an op to remove 90% and now is undergoing Chemo and Radiotherapy.

So... my AIBU (which might be more of a WWYD), neither him nor his new wife have spoken to me about the monthly payments, I believe his work are still paying sick pay (but not 100% sure) they transferred last months as normal (that was after the Op) but this month there has been nothing. They haven't transferred the money but also they haven't spoken to me about it. I totally understand if he is no longer being paid or they are just (understandably) busy at the moment but I would have hoped for a message!

Should I contact them - what do I say? They have ignored all offers of help I put forward before and after the Op so I am not just about the money! I did try to help and offer support but his new wife found it difficult to have me around! Or do I just leave it?

I would keep it really short and simple, say you are sorry to hear Ex is Ill, let them know again if you can help and then ask what’s happening about maintenance.

I would text and ask about it nicely. It may be that it's totally slipped his mind

Unfortunately with a prognosis like that I would be planning how to manage financially without maintenance from him in the future. I would think about how to prepare your daughter that he might not be around much longer and to spend a little more time with him now.

I agree, you need to be asking what financial help you can expect in the future. Is there a will in place, a Trust Fund etc. Don't ask her - she may not know or tell you everything.

I am sorry you are dealing with this but most companies stop paying sick pay after 3 months so you might have to deal with only token maintance payments aka £5 a week from benifets.

But please be gentle he could be dying and just found that out so dont go in heavy handed screaming i need that money and you being possibly terminally ill is not my problem.

Hang on all you doom and gloomers - it says 90% of the tumour has been removed and he is undergoing chemo and Radiotherapy so clearly the aim is to blast the remaining 10% with everything there is available. presumably with intent to cure.

If it were me I would just let it go for a bit especially if it's a minimal amount , they have a lot on their plates and are probably facing huge extra costs with hospital appointments/ hospital parking/ he may only be getting statutory sick pay and not full sick pay from work, his partner may have had to take unpaid time off to care for him. statistics from macmillan show that a cancer diagnosis can cost people an extra £570 pounds a month !! Show a bit of compassion just for a few months.

And he doesn't need to be asked about whether your daughter is accounted for in his will when he is fighting for his life ffs !!

I'd leave it tbh. Id offer to do picking and dropping of dd and offer flexible extra visit's etc - which u prob have already done

Unfortunately, children don't cost less because you're ill.

He may be getting SSP. He may also be getting full occupational pay.

If OP got cancer, her bills won't stop, and neither do his.

And, yes, ensure he's acting like a responsible parent and financially planning for his children via trusts, should the worst happen.

It's what parents with care have to just do. Cancer or whatever.

Thanks all, @shouldwestayorshouldwego - I have tried to arrange extra visits as my little one is old enough to understand how poorly Daddy is and is naturally worried. They have not been able to fit her in as yet, a couple of Saturday mornings since he took sick is all so far - but I am trying! The new wife only works a couple of mornings in a charity shop so minimal income on that side - that said they are both comfortable financially as they had a lumpsum from another relative recently which will relieve any current money worries.

It is the lack on communication that is so frustrating. If they had spoken to me or texted and said that they needed to see how things worked out - I could have planned ahead. As it is I am a bit on the back foot!

@Babyroobs - sadly its a stage 4 with a prognosis of only 35% of people making it to 2 years post treatment so I know it is not a brilliant outlook - however we are staying positive for my daughter and his family

Then if his wife doesn't work ( or maybe only voluntarily ), perhaps the lump sum is being kept for his funeral costs which now cost an average of 4k or to help when he has to stop work completely.

Under these circumstances I would let it go for a few months. HIs life is on the line and I do agree that you ought to think about managing without the money in case the worst happens

Maybe ask if he can give you some of the lump sum OP?

Don't ask for some of the lump sum .

If he isn't paying much anyway, just let it go.

They'll find it very difficult to have your daughter around if he's dying. Some parents feel it's kinder to distance themselves.

They are probably in shock too, a stage 4 diagnosis out of nowhere is devastating.

Take your lead from them, don't push access or requests for money. It could do your child more harm than good.

That must be so frustrating op. On one hand you could say it's nine of your business any more, but on the other he is the equal parent of your child and his being very sick or potentially dying will have a huge effect on your child, and subsequently you. It is a huge thing to be kept in the dark about or feel you can't ask the questions you would like answered.
Yes it's a huge life changing thing for them but they should be considering his child in this. She should be next in their list of priorities.
I would probably not say anything this month about money if I could manage without it but if nothing appears next month i would ask.
Could you word a text message along the lines of "let me know if you feel able to see dd, she's worrying about you. I'm happy to bring her or do whatever is easiest. If it eould help you to alter contact or financial arrangements for the next few months please just let me know."
That might prompt them to think about dd but is not too aggressive or demanding.

Stage 4 means it's spread doesn't it?

I don't know how you'd go around asking for the money now without seeming uncaring.

I'd be really polite but you've got to ask.
'Hope you are recovering from the op. I know it's awkward but I need to sort my fiancees out. Are you planning to continue maintenance payments or do I need to find money elsewhere?'

Wording it that you aren't being grabby but you do need to plan whether you'll have extra money for your daughter or not.

@Handsfull thats a really gentle way of putting it. @knitjob - you have hit the nail on the head! We were together for 18 years, married for 10 of those so he is/was a big part in my life and yes, I do feel my little one is being pushed out a little - I know its a horrendous diagnosis for him but it will also affect her and she's only 8 so its a big thing in her world currently too.

@jumblefun2 stage 4 is not good news! there are only 4 stages i believe and I think 4 is spread or just really, really nasty and fast growing :-(

Just want to add in a different point of view. My DH was extremely ill with cancer last year, at death’s door more than once and it was awful. But - between treatments and so on he was more concerned about the future for our DCs than anything else, wrote them letters, made them photo albums, sorted out finances, double checked life insurance policies etc. It all comes as a huge shock, but unless chemo is literally making you vomit continuously (which it can), there can also be a lot of sitting around, in which case many people do try to do something positive like put things in place for their children/family. It sounds like he’s either extremely ill and hence can’t actually help you, in which case you need to know so you can prepare your DC, or just being rather selfish, actually. And people with cancer can be selfish, just like anyone else.

@Dolphinswimmingupsidedown sadly, I think you might be right with the selfish bit 😥 he asked to see our daughter when he was in hospital and we went in everyday between the diagnosis and the operation but not after because it was a bit gory still! That was about six weeks ago and she's seen him twice since, just for a lunch date on a Saturday. He wasn't even interested for fathers day so they just had a quick two minute phone conversation on that day. Despite the diagnosis and the impact that will have, he seems to be quite positive in himself. The chemo hasn't made him too poorly yet - but he is only just at the end of week one.

I just don't know what to do to try and foster a relationship!! I know i'd want to spend time with those I love if I had something similar but he doesn't, perhaps it is as someone said earlier - he's pushing everyone away.

The money isn't the most important bit. The important bit is the communication. Taking to our daughter and spending time with her, talking to me and letting me know what is happening so I can support her when she is worried - I'm getting none of that

I know it's not about me - for me the most important person is my little girl and I can't help her if I don't know what's going on!!!

I'd manage without it, going forward it sounds like you will have to anyway and he's likely worried about all sorts at present and doesn't need any extra in top.

He wasn't even interested for fathers day so they just had a quick two minute phone conversation on that day.

he is ill.

Maybe he is too ill to think about the transfer.

If the worst happened depending on his pension then your child may get a dependants payment until she leaves full-time education/ university. For example teachers, civil servants do.

Plus some people go into denial. My friends husband when dying at the every end still wouldn't give her the login to his accounts, or indeed laptop password as he was going to get better. He in some way saw this as giving in.

He wasn't even interested for fathers day so they just had a quick two minute phone conversation on that day.

Dying is exhausting, I know you need to continue paying for your child but the man is dying and I think that needs more compassion.