Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to control where I go on holiday

28 replies

HolidayInRuin · 04/07/2018 11:47

I've decided to spend the holidays in England until my youngest is 4, he's two now. Go to Ireland, Scotland and just around England.

Problem is ex always has something to say about it. I live in London, and say I want to take the kids to Alton towers in the weekend, ex will say " it's too far", " it's not safe for you to take the kids on your own, the journey is too long" etc. There's always something, and his excuse is that "we're not divorced yet.." I just feel like he just wants the control.

Anyone's ex like this? How do you deal with it?

OP posts:
laptopdisaster · 04/07/2018 11:48

why are you telling him where you're planning to go?

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 04/07/2018 11:49

Just don't tell him then.

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 04/07/2018 11:49

What the fuck has it got to with him? Just don’t tell him.

Gottokondo · 04/07/2018 11:50

Just don't tell him. He doesn't get a say in what you do in your own time. He is not part of your life anymore and doesn't have control over you. Stop doing what he wants.

Original poster
HolidayInRuin · 04/07/2018 11:50

He has them twice a week during school days, and every Saturday. So surely if I want to take the kids away for a weekend, I have to tell him?

OP posts:
TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 04/07/2018 11:53

You need to get a court ordered contact schedule. NOT every Saturday, that really limits you.

When he complains, do you change your plans? Stop doing that if so.

Skyejuly · 04/07/2018 11:53

You don't have to tell him where x

Trinity66 · 04/07/2018 11:53

We're not divorced yet? So he thinks that while your his wife he has ownership of you? I can see why you are getting divorced, good for you! But yeah don't tell him where you're going

Travis1 · 04/07/2018 11:57

Why every saturday? I'd be changing that to every other weekend and then doing what you want. By contact every Saturday it really limits what you can both do with your time with the kids.

HectorlovesKiki · 04/07/2018 11:57

Why on earth do you tell him your plans?
Your life is YOUR business, not his.
Grow a pair and don't allow him to control you.

c3pu · 04/07/2018 12:05

Don't tell him if he's just going to be obstructive. You're allowed to do what you as you please when the child is in your care. If Children's Services wouldn't mind you doing it, then neither should he.

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 04/07/2018 12:09

Don’t tell him what your plans are it’s not his concern.

However as someone who has an abusive controlling ex it’s very hard to get out of the mindset of having to explain yourself to them!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/07/2018 12:11

You don't have to tell him, don't!

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 04/07/2018 12:11

Also as for the contact arrangements are they through court? They need amending so you each get whole weekends at a time as it is more practical in my experience anyway. All of my friends who’s children go between homes alternate weekends too and it seems to be the fairest and least complicated way around it.

Shoxfordian · 04/07/2018 12:12

Yeah you need a court agreed plan
Why does he have them every Saturday anyway?
He's still trying to control you

Loopytiles · 04/07/2018 12:13

I hope you took the DC anyway?

Every Saturday is not a great setup IMO, with someone abusive who will make it very difficult to vary from the plan.

A formally agreed arrangement could be best.

Sarahjconnor · 04/07/2018 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

52FestiveRoad · 04/07/2018 12:17

Bloody hell. If I want to take my kids out for the day I do, and my DH waves us off with 'have a good time'! I can't imagine the rage I would feel if he tried to stop me. A wife is not a piece of property, and you are not even together anymore! I can see why he is your ex tbh! Get your weekends changed to every other and don't tell him anything!

Arum51 · 04/07/2018 12:27

Agreeing with the "get it changed to every other weekend" comments.

As to him being controlling, I know it's really difficult to get out of the mindset of having to explain and placate, but you really have to try. Just keep telling yourself it's none of his business. Feel you have to let him know what your plans are? It's none of his business. Feel you need to explain your actions when challenged by him? It's none of his business. Feel you need to change in the face of his disapproval? It's none of his business. And so on, and so on. Let that be your new mantra!

CoffeeOrSleep · 04/07/2018 12:27

The contact arrangements aren't working for you - so he needs every other weekend for the full weekend, so you get a full weekend every other week too. Then you just take them where you want on 'your' weekend. If he can't cope with his DCs 2 days on the row, then that's a different issue.

If he tells you it's too far, or you won't cope, or that you aren't divorced, I'd be aiming for broken record technique "I'm not asking your permission, I'm just informing you to be polite." "It doesn't matter if you think it's too far, it's not your decision, I'm just informing you, not asking your opinion." "It's not your choice, I'm just telling you what I'm going to do, not asking if you think it's a good idea." "It doesn't matter if you think you couldn't cope, you're not the one doing it, I'm not asking your permission, I'm just being polite and telling you my plans."

Keep repeating, he'll eventually learn you aren't asking him.

If he pulls the "we aren't divorced yet" line again go with "yes, I can see you are clearly struggling with the fact we aren't together and your opinion doesn't matter to me anymore."

Big smiles, keep reminding him you are just keeping him informed where his DC is, not asking his opinion or permission.

colditz · 04/07/2018 12:37

I gave my ex too much information for far too long. It took years for my to realise that he wasn't being friendly and it wasn't in my child's best interest.

He freaked out over facebook a few years ago because I took the children away for a full week and they missed 2 Saturdays at the supervised contact centre where he had to see them due to neglect! He got rather beautifully slapped down by many people, some of whom I didn't even know, who said things like "Why are you trying to stop your kids having a holiday" and "It's Barmouth, not Beirut!"

He stopped after that. Never did it again.

So perhaps ridicule is the way forward for you - take his stupid comments to the furthest logical conclusion. "We can't go to Alton Towers because you think something bad will happen? DO you often irrationally believe something bad will happen, or only about me? The first one indicates an untreated mental illness, the second one indicates an unhealthy obsession. WHich is it?"

jumblefun2 · 04/07/2018 12:49

Ireland and Scotland aren't England. HTH.

54321go · 04/07/2018 12:59

They are HIS kids too.
This is Mumsnet BY PARENTS FOR PARENTS.

CoffeeOrSleep · 04/07/2018 13:04

54321go - yes they are, but the OP and him are separated, so he gets to decide where he takes them on his time, and she gets to decide where she takes them on her time. The problem is he thinks he should still be in control of what she does when he's not there. As long as the children are safe/well cared for and she's not removing them from the country, then he has no right to just decide what she's allowed to do on her time. (She also has to learn she doesn't need to get his permission anymore, a hard mind set to break.)

The bigger problem is the set up of the time means both parents need to infringe on the other one's time if they want to take the DC away for a weekend, which is why it would be better for both parents if they had full weekends every other weekend, than half a weekend every week.

Ducks0nthewat3r · 04/07/2018 13:46

Sort out the divorce !

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread