**Trigger Warning** Title edited by MNHQ To want to know details of this person's crime

[AnonymousJuly2018]

I'm a regular MN user, but have set up a new account for the obvious reason of not wanting to be outed. This is a long message, and I probably won't post again after I've posted. I can't speak to anyone in real life because I don't want to let the information out and be able to hurt X's (adult) children or the rest of the family.

A close family member (X) died earlier this year. I have just discovered that, prior to X's death, they were under investigation for being in possession of indecent images of children. I have no more information other than this, and that it sounds like the images were from the internet, rather than of children X knew.

X did not deny it during the investigation, X's spouse (Y) knew about it (and from the sound of it had done for years), and says that X was seeking help to stop this 'addiction'. Y was the one who told me about it, and I have seen police papers which confirm that laptops etc were seized.

I am due to have a baby soon. I was pregnant before X's death.

Before this information came out, I would never have thought twice about having X, or Y, around my baby. I would very happily have had them babysit, including overnight. The thought of Y looking after my baby now makes me feel physically sick, as although Y was not the one in possession of the images, it doesn't sound as if they did anything to safeguard the children in them - even if they were images from the internet, Y should have done something. I also feel that they should have told us about this, as they knew we were having a baby, and would want them to look after him or her from time to time.

I feel so conflicted. Y is grieving, and I love Y a great deal, and don't want to stop contact. But I don't feel as if I can trust them any more.

I want to know more about X's crime - length of time it went on, the types of images X was in possession of, the ages of the children involved, how long Y knew about it, what Y had done to try and stop it, how Y could stay with X throughout all of this, when they were planning to tell us about this (they would have had to eventually, given that it was due to go Crown Court), why if X was truly trying to seek help they didn't tell us before.

I don't know if this will help, but I feel like I need to have an honest conversation with Y to try and regain some of the trust which has been lost. And how to I explain to Y that I'm not comfortable leaving my child alone with them without Y thinking it's just to punish them? How do I reconcile my anger towards X and Y with my wish not to stop contact with Y? How on earth can I protect my child in future, if this has come as such a shock - how can I maintain contact with Y and be happy that I am protecting my child? How can I pretend to the outside world that I am grieving X's death when all I feel is disgust, anger and betrayal?

I feel completely messed up. Any practical advice would be greatly appreciated. Please be kind.

Having lived a parallel scenario but involving actual contact crimes and a conviction I can categorically state the 'Y' in our lives was comprehensively disowned after standing by 'X' and this has continued now he's died. I cannot and will not condone her stance, nor can dh.

I can echo what mystic has said. DH and I have cut off his mother’s partner entirely due to violent, controlling behaviour, including hitting MIL and emotionally abusing his own child.
MIL gets supervised contact with DD. Her husband is not allowed anywhere near, ever. He has nothing to do with our little girl and never will.
MIL plays the guilt trip about it but she can go whistle.

Supervised contact, at most, is totally reasonable.

I would avoid having her looking after your child when you're not present. If she offers just say thanks but A has already said he/she would be looking after the baby.

That would be the bare minimum I would do - I wouldn't trust their judgement at all.

If I could go LC or better yet NC I would prefer that and not have them around my child at all - how feasible that is depends on the dynamics otherwise supervision and constant getting in way of all situations where Y would be left in charge - that can be hard work.

Honestly having been groomed as a preteen. I wouldn’t trust Y at all. They knew and they stood by this means they didn’t care or didn’t want to believe it was really true. My whole relationship map was really really messed up, I truelt believed sex = love and that also meant I got whatever I wanted because my groomer did it by buying my trust in the first place to the stage that my parent saw me get into a mans car their age and I lied and said it was a friends dad picking me up. He was convicted a few years ago and the details that didn’t include mine where terrible I hadn’t no idea before just how bad he was I just as the teenage At the time belived this older man genuinely loved me and wanted to take care of me. He took photos and videos which looking back now where likely shared with others like himself but I just thought it was Normal/fun/exciting in an adult relationship to do photos/videos there where even photos where for some dumb reason I believed him when he said his mates didn’t believe he managed to bag such a hottie/cutie so I was holding a bit of paper with his name on. His parents knew what he was doing.

Your role as a mum will be to protect your child at all costs. An adult who has stood by someone committing such a horrific crime cannot be trusted. Protecting your child goes way above any consideration for this woman. Try not to let it stress you during your pregnancy.

A nearly identical situation has happened in our family (though unfortunately in our case, X is out of prison, very much still alive, which is a lot more complicated). My MIL’s partner has a history of child sex offences. In this case, actual assault on a child (a family member of his) as well as indecent images. He’s never admitted it, MIL believes he was framed and it’s all a government conspiracy (and somehow his dna just magically ended up places it shouldn’t have been). She supported him through the trial, waited for him while he was in prison, and has continued a relationship with him since his release. It’s disgusting. I don’t know how she lives with herself having a relationship with a man who abused a child. But she lives in a bit of a fantasy land and is also very controlled by him (for instance, we are no longer even allowed to visit her house, without him there so obviously we don’t go, because we refuse to allow him any contact with our children).

I would first say that the good thing is that your child will likely be at no risk of harm. Y may be an enabler but probably poses no risk at all, though I know it’s still very uncomfortable and sickening. He’s dead now so he won’t be able to access any images or anything of your child. That’s a good thing. It makes it much easier. In our case, we had to go NC with both of them for about 2 years as MIL would not even admit to us it had happened ( initially she lied to us so that he could get near our children until we found out). We cut off all contact after that with both of them. MIL has only recently had minimal supervised contact after meeting several strict conditions we set for that to happen. Obviously her partner will never see then again.

I would recommend talking with Y about how upset you are, how you’re struggling to see how your children will have a relationship with her that you are comfortable with and ask your questions. I found once we were able to do that it did help. And go slowly and keep the relationship supervised and very low key. Realistically, the odds are that she was very controlled and manipulated herself. Abusers are very skilled at manipulation. It may take her some time to grasp it all and try to figure out how to move forward and do the right thing and make you feel comfortable. It is possible to rebuild trust though with the partner of an abuser and it can be really healing. I still have a lot of anger towards my MIL for dragging the whole family through this and for continuing to allow her partner to refuse my dh to even visit his family home. But having a little bit of supervised contact is better than none at all for our children.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. It’s a horrible place to find yourself in though. It’s all really shaken my trust in everyone. Even strangers on the street who got too close to my dc made me nervous for awhile. You just feel like you never really can know people after something like this. It does get easier though and I’m grateful my children were always safe.

Like any sensible parent, I’d never knowingly allow a pedophile anywhere near my children or any child.
Second to that, I’d never allow the partner of a pedophile who turned a blind eye to such abuse anywhere near any child either
I may be wrong, but a spouse ignoring abuse is as bad as the abuser or the pervert viewing photos . There is no ‘better levels of peodophilia

Yes to this. I'd cut Y dead but tell them why beforehand. They're just as sick and perverted as X was, and totally untrustworthy.

Is Y your mum and X your dad or stepdad?

A mate of mine did Digital Forensics at uni and he said that even if someone has indecent images it doesn't mean they are guilty. They can accidentally download onto your computer from a pop up or website.
This is delusional. You cannot accidentally download images of child abuse. Adult porn - yes, that can happen, but not images of child abuse.

I wouldn't allow Y to have sole access to my children. They minimise abuse and don't prioritise child safety.