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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to join the bandwagon and ttc?

39 replies

DexyMidnight · 03/07/2018 14:39

Ok so I appreciate it is never a given that one can conceive easily or indeed at all. I also appreciate that you should never have a baby unless they really really want one, and you are 100% sure you are ready to be a mother/father.

The rational side of me completely understands this.

The irrational part of me is completely panicking b/c life was amazing, we had so much fun with all our friends, completely hedonistic work hard play hard lifestyle, amazing holidays, lots of disposable income and now the 5th couple in our friendship circle is pregnant and i feel like the rug has been pulled from under me and suddenly i feel like maybe we should be having a baby too?!?

I have suddenly developed irrational 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em' attitude and i just wanted to know if anyone else had a baby b/c all their friends were and it turned out ok for them?

In case relevant : married 2 years, own mortgaged house, have rental income and good salaries, could afford f/t childcare fairly easily (for one kid at least)

OP posts:
LyndseyKola · 03/07/2018 14:42

Do you want children (not just a baby) ever? What about now?

If you removed your friends from the equation would you be considering trying right now?

What does your husband think?

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 03/07/2018 14:47

@Lynsey i love babies but hate the idea of pregnancy and birth. I would love not so much a child but a family - someone to go for lunch with and go on holiday with and i love the idea of a dil/sil and grandchildren when i am old.

Not keen on toddlers but guess it's different when they're your own.

If my friends weren't all pregnant / giving birth i wouldn't feel this way.

Husband wants kids (I've always said I'm not sure) but i think he sees it as a future thing, you know?

OP posts:
heatwave2018 · 03/07/2018 14:51

Sounds like you don’t actually want a child but like the idea of one. Would be best to have a chat to your partner to see whether he really wants one else he could end up resenting you for not having a child with him later on

SaturdaySauv · 03/07/2018 14:52

I don’t think bandwagon jumping is a good enough reason to have kids. It’s a very immature approach to a life changing decision and if you get it wrong it’ll be your child suffering for it.

heatwave2018 · 03/07/2018 15:01

There is nothing wrong with not having children, personally I think it's better to not have a child then have one and regret it for the rest of your life

ADuckNamedSplash · 03/07/2018 15:16

It doesn't sound like you're ready.

The "wanting children but hating the idea of pregnancy and giving birth" thing - that was me. But I naturally got to the point where my desire for children outweighed it.

When we started TTC, we were confident that the timing was right - we'd made the most of our 20s, had done the travelling that we wanted, etc. But even though I stand by that decision, even though DD is the light of my life and I wouldn't want things any other way, I still feel a bit sad about the things we could do with ease before that we no longer can. If you're not sure about giving those things up, I predict you'll have that feeling x100 and may end up feeling resentful about it.

Wait until you're sure.

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 03/07/2018 22:20

Thanks guys i hear you. Just bummed cos i kinda feel like i have a baby even though i have none of the nice bits. Feel like I'm loosing my pals. There's a baby everywhere i go. My friend said to a bday invite recently 'oh yes if i can get [dad] to babysit haha' and i actually cringed. I can't believe these women are my friends i feel like i've been living a lie. But what if in 10 years i have a baby and they've all moved on and I'm "pfb" and we never catch up?

OP posts:
Benandhollysmum · 03/07/2018 22:42

Don’t get pregnant just because everyone else is though, that’s not fair on you.
Get pregnant when your ready

Appleandmango22 · 03/07/2018 22:57

Absolutely don’t have children just because everyone else is.
Wait until you are ready.
I have a newborn baby girl. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and she was planned and very much wanted 100%. But I often question what the hell i’ve done!

OwlinaTree · 03/07/2018 23:04

Wait and do it when you are ready. You will meet other new mums when you have a baby if you want friends with babies.

SleepFreeZone · 03/07/2018 23:09

How old are you OP?

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 03/07/2018 23:17

I'm 31 x

OP posts:
Original poster
DexyMidnight · 04/07/2018 08:53

Sorry bumping for more opinions. Has anyone been in this situation? Did you decide to go for it/not and why?

OP posts:
LyndseyKola · 04/07/2018 09:12

The advice so far has been almost unanimous that you shouldn’t have a baby right now. Are you hoping someone will tell you you should?

Osirus · 04/07/2018 09:13

I tried at 31 and we had fertility problems. I wouldn’t leave it too late if you do want them. Sadly, your social situation will likely change because of all the babies.

EveningHare · 04/07/2018 09:17

I just wanted to say I think you're doing really well to realise where your head is

So many times we just stubbornly go ahead first with our first instinct even when it's not the best resolution

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 04/07/2018 09:18

No I'm not looking for someone to tell me i should, i just figure that i can't be the only one who has considered having a baby for the wrong reasons i.e. not because the time is right for them but b/c they felt they were getting swept along in a tide that might pull them out in 5 years anyway....

OP posts:
QueenAravisOfArchenland · 04/07/2018 09:19

That's a really really bad reason to ttc. You aren't even sure you want kids ever, and you want to ttc because you don't want your friendship group and dynamics to change?

Understand: the group will change even if you ttc right now and "keep pace" with them. In its current form, it probably won't survive. That's adult life. You can't stop it, and it's a bit worrying that you're so opposed/panicky to the prospect.

What if you have a miscarriage? Have to have a TFMR? Have a seriously disabled child? Sustain life-altering birth injuries? Get really bad PND? Having a child can fuck up your body and your life like nothing else. You have to want to do it, for itself.

Broaden your social focus a bit and spend time connecting with people who don't have kids. Don't ttc until you're more sure that you actually want to have a child.

Lottapianos · 04/07/2018 09:20

'I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me and suddenly i feel like maybe we should be having a baby too?!?'

Oh I hear you! I felt exactly the same a few years ago. Its bloody hard and bloody lonely when it feels like everyone in the world is having babies but you're not. I remember feeling like there was a big party going on but my invitation had got lost!

It was really tough and I almost caved but I knew that the reality of actually having a child would have driven me crazy. I have worked with children for years so had absolutely no rose tinted ideas about what would be involved. I'm 38 now and I'm so incredibly relieved that I listened to my gut. Having children is definitely not for us, and yet I still feel sad and envious when I hear pregnancy announcements. It's a really complex and personal issue.

That said, having children because 'its what you do' is not a good idea. Life without children can be really wonderful. Don't follow the crowd if you're not sure it's for you

Lottapianos · 04/07/2018 09:21

'Broaden your social focus a bit and spend time connecting with people who don't have kids. '

And yes yes yes to this!

Original poster
DexyMidnight · 04/07/2018 09:25

Thank you @queenaravis this is a sobering thought which i confess had gotten lost in my head in recent months.

@lottapianos thank you it is so good to hear your views. May i please ask if your decision was gradual/evolving or if there was one crunch point where it locked in and you realised the decision was made?

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 04/07/2018 09:29

Dexy, I guess it was a process. I didn't just wake up one day and feel fine about not having children. I just realised over time that I was more and more ok with it. I joined Gateway Women, which is an online community for women who don't have children and are struggling with that fact, for whatever reason. I can't explain how much it helped to talk to other women who understood how isolating it can be to not have children as a woman in your 30s. Feeling understood and part of a wider group was incredibly helpful

All my close friends are childfree now and I value my time with them so much.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 04/07/2018 09:32

Ps. There may be some people who come on here and tell you that they did this and it worked out, they fell in love with their child, etc. Which is great for them, but at best this is a huge, risky roll of the dice with very high stakes. It's gambling a LOT on liking parenthood more than you expect to right now. There are certainly lots of people who have children because they felt like it was expected/what you do, especially in the past. Ask any of the people on here whose parents openly resented them how that turned out.

I wanted my kids badly and I'm still breathless with the huge gamble I took in trying for them, despite the fact that it worked out and I took to parenthood better than I secretly expected. It's still hard. Very hard sometimes, and if I had not truly wanted them I think I would seethe with resentment quite frequently.

PaperTrain · 04/07/2018 09:35

I always imagined having kids but never keen on babies or the idea of being pregnant or, frankly, losing the 'easy' life.

At 31 I couldn't have contemplated having a child. Had DC at 34 (pregnant first try) after DP -rightly- pointed out the passing of time. A large part of my reluctance was purely fear. I absolutely love DC but it has been hard. I sometimes feel I 'should' have another as mum friends all are and it would be nice for DC, but I know it's not right for me and those are not good reasons.

Doesn't sound like you are in the right place at the moment. That's not a bad thing.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 04/07/2018 09:35

If you are only 31 you have some time to decide what you want. I would stop and reasses at 33/34. Definitely don’t have children now for the wrong reasons.

Cringing at your friend’s comment about only coming if she can get dad to babysit seems a bit bitchy. People generally can’t be as available when they have other priorities.