Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did he leave me for her?

11 replies

Wasither · 03/07/2018 12:30

Sorry this is long but I don't want to miss anything/ drip feed

I recently broke up with xDP after 4 years together.
There was a largish age gap (I'm 44 and he's 26), but it never really seemed to matter much. I have 2 dds who xdp is much closer in age to than we are (20 and 23).
Because I already have children, I wasn't bothered about having any more, and thought it would be difficult because of my age regardless. Xdp always said he wasn't bothered about having children as he has a niece and nephew he sees a lot.

In July last year I found out I was pregnant. It was a complete accident but I was happy. Xdp was delighted, and said it made him realise that he actually really did want a child, and couldn't wait to be a dad. However, in August I had a miscarriage and we were both devastated as it had felt like our possible only chance to have a child as there is history of early menopause in my family. I didn't cope well with the grief, and I will admit that I withdrew from him because I didn't want to talk about what could've been.
We went on a holiday in September with both my dds to try and get away from everything and have a break where we didn't have to think about the baby.
Everything seemed ok on holiday, and I thought we would get through it as a couple. When we got back, xdp seemed a bit distant and withdrawn, but not overly unhappy.

Where xdp works, they get new staff every January on a contract basis. He usually tells me about the new staff and what they are like etc. This January it was a man and a woman, he said they were both around 23ish. He said the man seemed nice, but he hadn't really got to know the woman as she was only there a week before going away for a holiday.
He was still distant, and started getting more so over the next couple months. Then mid March he said he didn't think it was working between us anymore because we barely spoke and weren't intimate since our holiday, and was going to stay at his parents for a week to give us some space and decide if we wanted to split or work at the relationship.
After the week he said he wanted us to split so packed his stuff and officially moved back to his parents. (I know he definitely did go back to his parents for that week, as I know them well after the 4 years and his mum text me saying he was back there and was I ok).

I'm still friends with his family (except him) on social media. This weekend his mum put a picture on saying about a nice day with the family in the sun, and the new girl from work was with them. Someone had commented asking who she was and his mum had put it's xdps new girlfriend. (I know what she looks like as he became friends with her and the new man from work on social media end of February time so i had seen her picture from there).

Obviously we broke up over 3 months ago now, so they may well have got tog ether after our breakup, but aibu to think he left me for her? It just seems really soon to meet his parents if they only got together after we broke up.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2018 · 03/07/2018 12:35

It sounds like you both grew apart for your own reasons and he’s find someone more his age range and established a relationship with her. I don’t think it’s a slight on you but sometimes things fizzle out especially if there is a large age gap.

HollowTalk · 03/07/2018 12:36

I think what's happened is the inevitable consequence of the age gap, OP. You're at completely different points in your life. Most men in their 20s have a very free and easy lifestyle, dating lots of women etc and not making up their mind about anyone until later.

Now he's dating someone his own age. You'll never find out whether he left for her, but I would assume he enjoyed being with people his own age and that's why he left.

I'm sorry, it's really tough for you.

LongWalkShortPlank · 03/07/2018 12:36

Sounds like there was either some crossover of relationships or he knew he had feelings for her and ended it when he realised. I think it's probably best not to know to be honest. Take them all off your social media and move on

Seasawride · 03/07/2018 12:37

Op I am so so sorry about your miscarriage Flowers hard to cope with at any time but especially now you have split.

Look I don’t think you are ever really going to know the answer to your question. No one on here will know either but he seems to have moved on and that’s the situation as it is.

His mum wasn’t very tactful though.

How are your dds taking it? Are they upset, supportive?

Firstnameterms · 03/07/2018 12:38

Sounds like you have both been through a really difficult time and both have struggled to come together through it. I think you need to accept that you will never know for certain. It could be he had a full blown affair (sounds unlikely from what you say) or it might be she was a shoulder to cry on and there was an over lap. It sounds like he tried to be honest though, with moving out etc. I wouldn’t torture yourself. Flowers

Wasither · 03/07/2018 12:43

seasawride
Dds are ok, eldest was at uni for the majority of our relationship, and youngest is there now so neither lived with us as such. They are just helping me to try and keep my mind off it. Both very supportive and doing their best despite one living at the opposite end of the country now.

And thank you. I'm wondering if the miscarriage is part of the reason he left tbh. He said when we found out I wad pregnant it made him realise he wanted children, and then since the miscarriage he knows it was unlikely to have happened with me. I think that's what makes it even harder, wondering if that caused the split, or my grief pushed him away because it was the only way i could cope.

OP posts:
Popc0rn · 03/07/2018 12:44

Doesn't seem overly suspicious to me tbh. Maybe because he made the decision to break up, and you hadn't been intimate for six months by then, he'd already processed your break up before he actually told you if that makes sense? Plus men seem to "move on" much quicker than women from my (painful!) experience! Hope you're okay.

Tbh it might be helpful to delete all of his family/friends from social media, or at least unfollow them if you can resist having a look.

Wasither · 03/07/2018 12:53

popc0rn
Yeah I'm ok. I'm moving on and getting over him, it just was a bit of a shock to see he was with someone else already. And with them enough to introduce them to his family I guess.

I've hidden them all from social media so I don't have to see any more.

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 03/07/2018 12:59

Sounds like the pregnancy/mc made the age gap an issue and changed his life plans. Prior he didn’t want children, after he did of which he knew was highly unlikely with you sadly.

I think in your 20’s meeting the parents really isn’t a big deal anymore. In our families it will normally be going out for a meal at a pub don’t forget to invite your new partner.

It’s 3months later so I doubt there was an overlap, you don’t mention mentionistus or anything.

AussieOzborn · 03/07/2018 13:00

What does it matter now? Anyway, I think that massive age-gap would have been a major problem later in life, had you two stayed together.

Cliveybaby · 03/07/2018 13:11

not necessarily, she may just have been a nice girl from work, then after you broke up, they started have going out.
I know it's hard, but it sounds like you wanted different things, and I think you have to let go and move on.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page