AIBU to think it's all about sex?

[TheDeuteragonist]

DP and I have been together nearly four years. We are getting married this year and have a DD.

He is, by and large, a very supportive partner. I have been through the wringer with my mental health since DD was born and he's stood by me even at my lowest.

That being said, the extent of his affections and his attention to me seems to lie purely around sex. Or, at least, that's how I perceive it.

When we got together four years ago my sex drive was quite high. Now, a combination of meds, having a baby and working full time, means it's not what it was.

For example, it has been about a week since we last had sex and for the last few days he has been very touchy feely, complimentary and telling me how much he wants me.

We had sex last night and now he's just so distant. From me getting in from work till now he's barely said two words to me, we have been in separate rooms and now he is asleep on the sofa.

It feels so demoralising, especially because with my MH I've struggled to get past how men view me and how I view sex.

It makes me feel less inclined to have sex with him because I feel like once we have, he loses all interest in me and has nothing to say to me until he's feeling horny again. It's horrible and I know if I broached the subject with him he would argue it's not the case but it happens over and over again.

AIBU to feel this way???

You are not being unreasonable to feel this way but you are massively unreasonable Id you don’t talk to him and use communication as a tool to fix this.

I know we need to talk about it.

When I've raised the subject with him before he says it's not the case. We argue the day after sex and he will be cold and distant and I will mention the obvious change.

He pooh poohs it and tells me I'm being ridiculous but now is a prime example. He's not come up to say hi or get in bed with me despite me going downstairs twice.

I'm not going to beg or plead with him to interact or cuddle with me. It just seems to confirm to me what I think all men have ever thought of me.

Would it help to think of the ebbs and flows of intimacy more as an elastic band? Slowly stretching and then snapping back? Only to start stretching towards you again.

It is a cycle. Ideally it would be more constant affection but equally a constant level of affection might be too much and suffocating. In every relationship the intimacy waxes and wanes.

I would advise you to stop only reacting to what DH does. Take control a bit more. So you can get the balance right for yourself.

I doubt very much DH is aware of how upsetting this cycle is for you. If he realised, he would change his behaviour because he loves you and wants you to be happy. However, from my personal experience of the intimacy cycle in 5 yrs of marriage, doing is superior to talking. So I try to stay in control more and not just go along with the ups and downs of DH's intimacy cycle.

Ps. The women are from venus book describes it very well.

Cross posted!

Yup, talking won't help.

I find randomly alternating affection and distance when I feel like it helps me feel less of a victim. Rather than feeling I have to go along with DH needs/moods.

I appreciate that, Red. I'll check out the book.

I'm not a clingy person and DP works nights so every other week we do not see each other for more than a couple of hours per day.

I try and engage him in conversation, or suggest that we do more on his week off to connect. Problem is that he's so engaged when he wants sex and the moment I 'give it up' so to speak it's like a switch is flicked and before I know it he's back at work.

It's so bloody hard and I feel so bloody lonely when it happens.

Happy to give him space and we each have our own social lives, but there's got to be more than just feeling I'm being buttered up for sex, IYSWIM?

My advice would be not to underestimate the impact of sexual differences in a relationship. My friend is married to a man with a much higher sex drive than her - would like sex everyday. She finds the pestering ( constant intimate touching etc) extremely claustrophobic. Even though they have sex at least weekly he often cites the lack of sex as reason for his grumpiness/ bad behaviour and sees it as evidence that he is not loved. She’s had this for 10 years. Do not marry this man unless this issue is being / has been addressed because it isn’t going to magically change once you have on a wedding ring.

personally i would not be having sex with him for a while. I would try and keep our relationship non physical for a few weeks and focus on spending time together, hugs etc. I would tell him why.

the whole thing sounds unpleasant to me.

Have the GP give him something to decrease his sex drive to stop him from being a pest.

It makes me feel less inclined to have sex with him because I feel like once we have, he loses all interest in me and has nothing to say to me until he's feeling horny again

Can you just say this to him in the first person, and don't deviate? Broken record style. He's going to make his points of course and that's fine, but steer it back to this when it's your turn to talk.

It's so clear and concise he surely must understand. If he doesn't then it means he is choosing not to

NC for this as DH sometimes reads here. I cannot say strongly enough that you must address this now before you get married. DH and I have struggled with incompatible sex drives almost all our relationship, 20 plus years. As much as I love him and our wonderful DC, if I could go back I would not have stayed with him as this has overshadowed our whole relationship. I have always had a lower sex drive than him, but this became much more of an issue after having the DC. To cut an extremely long story short, my DH is much like yours in that his need for sex dictates his attitude towards me. Also, it depends on his perception of the quality of the sex we’ve had. E.g. day one, we have enjoyable sex. Day 2, he’s sweet and relaxed with me, nice to be around. Doesn’t usually mention having sex again that night. Day 3, may start asking about having sex that night, but can usually accept a no. Day 4 plus, starts becoming agitated and on edge, mentioning it more through the evening and getting annoyed if I don’t seem responsive enough to his advances. Any longer than this and the snide comments and cold shoulder start, usually culminating in an argument at some point. All of which makes me feel less like sex! Some years ago it got so bad I ended up with vaginismus, where I was unable to physically have sex due to the stress of worrying about it. Had to have many embrassing hospital visits before it eventually got better. Only advice I can really offer that partly worked for us is to suggest that although it sounds a bit mechanical, set ‘sex dates’ , maybe those days where you are not at work and know you will feel a bit more lively. If he has the security or knowing he’s going to get some on x night, it might relieve the constant build up, come down cycle he’s got into. I found this worked for me too as if I really didn’t feel like it, I could say, let’s look forward to Tuesday, or whatever day, and to some extent it alleviated his moods. Good luck, I do feel for you.

In my experience it can break a relationship..i got so tired of explaining this type of stuff, over and over -like a broken record to my ex who just got angry if i questioned his behaviour. I felt the minute id put out it was 'lights out, snoring and being ignored' til next time he needed a go.. i just started ignoring him and feeling resentful..then he got shouty and agressive. i realised i actually felt like i couldve been any hole for him to stick it in and i definately would prefer to be on my own with a vibrator than put up with all the additional man-crap. If they dont listen or respect you move on..