Aibu to end this friendship now rather than wait for cotact

[Whatsmyname14]

I have been friends with someone for around 14years and we worked together for around 6years of that time. She was my closest friend. I don't have many as am quite shy and reserved.

For the last 4/5 years we have not really seen each other despite living 10 miles apart. Think it's been 4 times. I miss our friendship soo much.

Contact usually follows the pattern of a message saying we must meet up, my reply of giving potential dates over the forthcoming few months then I hear nothing for 3/4 months and the cycle starts again.

I used to initiate messages and got the same so for the last year have stopped making first contact.

Previously, I have raised the issue and pretty much was going to end the friendship as this is quite frankly making me feel crap and worthless. She got upset so I relented but's still happening. I don't know why it makes me feel like this.

During this time this and big issues with relationship with my husband affected me alot. I acquired an addiction quite badly. I am seeking counselling for this and am currently 70 days clean.

I am working with my husband to resolve our problems. I am soo soo happy he has accepted the havoc (putting it mildly) my addiction is having on our family and is also making a real effort to get our marriage back on track. I think we will be ok.

I need to address this friendship next. It makes me very sad to say this but for my recovery it needs to end. Well what's left of it anyway.

With counselling I have accepted that not all friendships last the course of time and that's actually ok. Of course I will miss the early days but that's not now. We aren't friends any more in my eyes. Counsellor also thinks it's a good idea when I told her my plans.

I have unfriended her on Facebook a month a go. I hid her updates a year or so before that and was planning on waiting for her to message me then tell her.

However, I want to get it over with, I want closure. Strange but I feel in limbo.

Would I be unreasonable to do this now or should I wait? It's seems unkind to send her a message out of the blue.

A couple of other friends who have known her longer than me ghosted her around 8/9 years ago which really upset her and she didn't know why. I am now thinking it was for similar reasons as me. As she was soo upset I will definitely tell and not leave her hanging.

God, I feel like I am back in the playground. I am not usually like this!

Grrr can't even spell contact!

I don't think I'd contact her. I think in all the circumstances I'd probably block her. She hasn't prioritised you in her life, but you have told her how you feel so none of this should be a surprise to her - she knows the reason. You can draw a line under it after blocking her.
If you feel you must contact her, I think a letter is the way to go. But keep it short "I've valued our friendship but I think we've grown apart, which is evident from the fact we almost never see each other. It's time to move on. I wish you all the very best, but would ask you not to contact me please."
Well done on your recovery.

I think Mummy has it spot on.

When was the last time you had contact with her?

I agree with Mummys. You don’t need to tell her anything really but something along those lines would be perfect. Then be strong & block her so you don’t receive any drama/emotional blackmail.

Bloody well done for being 70 days clean - that’s a huge achievement x

Thing is you don’t really know what’s going on in her life and why she doesn’t contact you and when she does it sporadic.
Just drawn a line under its and leave her to it.
The friendship doesn’t work and you’ve done well to recognise that it’s not your fault

Many thanks for the messages.

I received a message in September about a meet up, I replied with dates and nothing till January with another 'we must meet up' again gave dates then nothing till April.

We last saw each other in October 2016 I believe.

I am happy to be 70 days clean and now this about recognising my trigger points and removing those threats.

I like the message above, so thanks for that. Will keep in the background incase I need to send it.

It's very difficult to know what's going on in someone's life when you don't see them or have contact. This to me alone shows the friendship has died and needs to stay in the past.

When I tried before she didn't seem to get that and I gave in.

Hmm. Epic paragraph fail on the phone.

I think generally the above advice is correct and it would BU to contact someone to tell them you no longer want contact, but in this specific situation with your addiction and her being a trigger YWNBU to send a short message explaining you’ve grown apart and think you should both move on. Be prepared for the potential outcome though that this may cause her to claim to want to remain friends and that she’ll try harder etc... stick to what you know you want.

No, you are right it's wrong to just send a message out of the blue.

I would like closure now but I can accept that's not going to happen.

I won't ignore when contact is made again though. Will reply with the message above.

I am stronger now, however it is still early days. I do have good blocks in place for when the urges return.