To feel like I'm failing my son

[frasersmummy]

My dh and dad to our very mature and kind son passed away very suddenly and tragically last August

Obviously life has been so hard for both of us

We are in Scotland so ds started high school before we even buried his dad

In the last 11 months I have done everything I can think of.. Taken him to counselling spoke to the school, spoke to my gp and they all tell me its normal

He is tantrumming like a 2 year old every day. And when I say tantrumming. He is throwing things, damaging things, punching holes in walls, threatening suicide, telling me he wishes I. Was dead.

In between I get apologies, helpfulness, loving caring son

Counsellors say he is not ready to talk as he just says I'm OK. School say he's fine as his behaviour and attitude are great and he does OK academically. Gp says nothing they can do.. Its normal

I feel like a complete failure because I don't know what to do.. I know I've reacted badly a lot of times to his tantrums... But after 11 months I'm mentally exhausted.

So aibu to think I'm letting him down by not being able to help

So sorry op. How old is your ds? You are not failing him at all, you are going through hell and keeping it all together. Cut yourself and him lots of slack. He's doing well at school, he's caring, helpful and loving most of the time, the tantrums are clearly upsetting and difficult but I'm sure that's the grief coming out and you might find they naturally reduce over time. 11 months is no time, no time at all.

YANBU. I'm so sorry for your loss and cannot begin to imagine how hard it is for both of you.

You're doing all that you can - I can't offer any advice (though others might have ideas), but I do know that all you can do is take the best possible care of yourself and keep doing what you're doing for your son.

You aren’t a failure. He is behaving like that with you because he knows he is safe to. He is hurting and doesn’t have any idea how to channel it, or process it, and yet the feelings are there so they spill out in the form of tantrums.

What support do you have? You mention the support he has, and it sounds as though you have got all the right stuff in place for him. But you need to focus on you, so you can carry on supporting him without falling apart (too much) yourself.

You are doing a great job

I'm so sorry for your loss OP - how awful for both of you

You are not failing your son - you sound like a wonderful mum who is doing everything she can in really awful circumstances.

I'm terms of counselling etc. I have heard that it can tap up to two years before people are ready to go through it - before that, it's all too painful and raw

Would your son be open to doing something like a scrap book/memory box to remember his dad and help him through the grief?

Does your local hospital have any groups for bereaved young people which you could explore? Or can they point you in the right direction of some?

It will take time and all you can do is keep supporting him through it

Hello
for the horrible turn your life has taken.

I hope my personal experience helps you.

My dad died very suddenly when I was 13. I was heartbroken and struggled with the grief for a long time. It was all so unfair and I just could not process it the way an adult would.

I was also an absolute horror to my poor, kind, wonderful mother. I was your stereotypical wayward teenager with all the bells and whistles. How my mum coped I have no idea.

But, we survived. I am now a fairly well adjusted grown up, plenty of life experience, two beautiful children, great husband, nice job - and hands down the absolutely the very best relationship with my mum. I know a fair few of my mum's friends are a bit jealous of how well we get on.

We were forged in the fire. I promise you that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. You are not failing your son.

Please be kind to yourself, it's going to be hard. And cut your DS some slack, none of this is personal.

If you need anything please feel free to PM me xx

Thank you for the kind words..

It's just really hard.he's just turned 13.so I guess the teenage hormones are raging as well

Snartyfartblast I am sorry about your dad.. I. Am so pleased to hear you say you were awful but now have a fantastic relationship.. You have no. Idea how helpful that is