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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my DF to help DP

26 replies

Mangoo · 02/07/2018 19:13

Okay so I'll start off by saying DP is lovely. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me and my family all thinks he's absolutely wonderful.

He's setting up a business at the moment. Not just on a whim. Something he's really invested in and works every single hour God sends for. He has had no help. It involves a lot of expensive machinery etc.. and so he's had to save every penny and sell his car etc...to get everything he needs. He's also incredibly talented at what he does and I'm so proud of him.

He's leaving full time work this month after a lot of planning and establishing clients at the weekends and in the evenings after his full time job.

Something completely unforseeable and unfortunate has happened in that his two methods of transportation have both packed up in the space of a couple of weeks and it's really really messed him up. He cannot do his work without the relevant transport to get the finished product to and from various places etc... And obviously cannot make the money to replace them without doing the work...

He has recently obtained a famous singer as a client and it is going to be absolutely brilliant for his publicity when he starts up full time this month however he now risks losing them if he can't do a job they require by next week.

He's so stressed and I am so upset for him. Like I said he couldn't possibly work more hours. He absolutely works himself to death as it is and losing this client would be such a shame for him given than it could really take off his business.

Now to my aibu.... I really feel like I need to help (I know asking for money isn't really helping but I have no sufficient savings of my own to help or I would). I was thinking of maybe asking my DF if he could loan us the money to sort this transport and essentially save DPs chance at this business he's worked so hard for.

My DF is not super rich but I think he could afford to help us. I would not even consider asking if I thought it would cause DF to live uncomfortably.

As I've said above my Dad thinks DP is great. They get on very well and he's very impressed of what he's achieved with this business so far.

Am I being completely and utterly cheeky to ask my DF to help? And will my partner be mad if I did?! I don't want to hurt his pride and I imagine having your partners parents help you financially possibly would but I'm struggling to see how else I can help him.

OP posts:
Picklepickle123 · 02/07/2018 19:15

Why don't you ask your DP if he's happy to borrow money from your DF, in principle? Then you can ask DF together.

winobaglady · 02/07/2018 19:16

Is it specialised transport? Would someone be able to lend you a car/transport rather than money?

Good Luck

Original poster
Mangoo · 02/07/2018 19:17

I did think of that Pickle but I fear my DP would just outright say no. He's very proud (not in a bad way) and I really can't see him approaching my DF. I think this is something I'd have to do as a child asking their parent for help iyswim? If he says no to me then no one has to really feel awkward (or at least not as awkward as DP would feel)

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 02/07/2018 19:18

I think it is fine to ask for help. Suggest it to your DP first though so he doesn't feel like you are going behind his back.

Original poster
Mangoo · 02/07/2018 19:19

Wino it's not specialised it just needs to be of a certain size to transport larger objects. We do have a car but it wouldn't fit at all and we can't sell as we have his two children so need something with back seats for them.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 02/07/2018 19:38

I’d ask. If it were my child I’d want to be asked. That’s what families are for

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2018 19:40

I’d ask. If it were my child I’d want to be asked. That’s what families are for

^^This. And I'd agree in a heartbeat

Original poster
Mangoo · 02/07/2018 19:59

I think I might just subtly hint at it tonight and see what his feelings on it would be.

I know he'd be really upset if it did come to having to borrow money from my family but I just can't sit and watch him give up / lose something he's given everything to and that he's bloody fantastic at as well.

If this is the only way I can 'help' I think I need to try.

OP posts:
dontcallmelen · 02/07/2018 20:03

Yy pp, I would be really upset, if my dd felt she couldn’t ask me for help.

Original poster
Mangoo · 02/07/2018 20:07

@DontCall thinking about it, I do feel able to approach my DF about this and I think if he could help he'd say yes.

I'm just very cautious of upsetting DP and overstepping a mark with him by just asking without talking to him first but I fear if I did he would just say no absolutely not.

If I had the money myself I'd make him take it no questions but unfortunately not! Sad

OP posts:
NCbecauseIdontwanttooutasaman · 02/07/2018 20:10

Could you lease a car? It's tax deductible as a business expense. If you lease for 2 years and 20,000 you'll have no mot, service or replacement tyre costs. Typically you pay a period up front then a monthly charge. E.g. if it's £100 a month you pay £300 up front for the 1st 3 months and after the 3 months pay monthly. Your father could front the initial payment then your husband pay him back monthly and switch the payment to the lease company once the original period is over.

Original poster
Mangoo · 02/07/2018 20:11

For example... I offered to take a loan with my bank (it would only be for a couple of thousand max) as he couldn't but no he down right refused. The monthly repayments would have been completely affordable for me even if he didn't pay me back which I know he would but no. We are in a serious relationship, live together etc... So I have absolutely no concerns about doing this but I think part of it is because he's done so much so far on his own and he sees it as failing if he takes help now.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 02/07/2018 20:12

Can you not hire a van or something in the short term?

Original poster
Mangoo · 02/07/2018 20:13

@NC thank you for the suggestion. I'll look into that tonight and see what's what!

No way am I letting him give up now.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 02/07/2018 20:14

God, just do it and tell him that you are a unit and as such you’ve done what seemed to be the right and only thing in a crisis. From love and because you believe in him.

However, if it all did go wrong would your Df get his money back? That’s important because he may not need his savings now but he may we’ll need them in the medium term and need the reassurance that he will see it again.

Wishing your DP great success ( and very keen to know what he does!)

NapQueen · 02/07/2018 20:15

Could he book a "man with a van" for a while? They are usally cheap

dontcallmelen · 02/07/2018 20:23

@Mangoo, apologies if you thought I was implying that you couldn’t ask DF, was just tryin to say albeit not very well that it’s not being cheeky, asking DF for some help, it’s a very valid reason you have for asking it’s not like it’s for a jolly up.
Also NC idea would be well worth investigating, if dp is a bit reluctant to ask or accept help.
Sure you will sort something & hope the new business goes well.

Original poster
Mangoo · 02/07/2018 20:31

@Matilda I think you're right! I'll sleep on it tonight and see about talking to DF tomorrow.

I know everyone would say this but yes I do wholeheartedly believe he would get his money back. My DP is a good man and even in the unlikely event we split I just don't see it in his personality to not do the right thing.

I wish I could say but it's very outing. If I could just show you all some pictures of the things he's been doing recently. He just blows me away with his talent. I'm very jealous of him being so good as something :)

We did look at hiring but logically he needs one 24/7 as he needs to visit various places to get certain parts etc... Throughout the week. It would mean hiring a van about 6/7 times a week which moneywise it would make more sense to find the money to buy one outright.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mangoo · 02/07/2018 20:33

@Dontcall not at all I didn't read it like that :)

I'm lucky to have such wonderful men in my life like my DF and DP.

OP posts:
dontcallmelen · 02/07/2018 20:57

💐 sure you will find a solution.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 02/07/2018 21:07

Could he use a trailer pulled by the car?

spudlet7 · 02/07/2018 22:50

No advice but good luck! You sound lovely and very supportive - your partner is every bit as lucky to have you as you are him Thanks

Original poster
Mangoo · 03/07/2018 07:17

Thank you all for the suggestions. I managed to get him to agree last night to looking into a loan with my bank. It's a really good deal interest wise so I think we'll be doing that.

Thank you @Spudlet :) he doesn't get much support from his family which really upsets me but I'm definitely in his corner!

OP posts:
Asdf12345 · 03/07/2018 07:23

Trailer behind the car might make more sense and be cheaper.

Original poster
Mangoo · 03/07/2018 07:35

@Asdf we did look into that but unfortunately it wouldn't be suitable. We have a small car too so I'm not sure how it would cope towing it.

He needs a large transit van really.

OP posts: