To just stay out of it?!

[mydaughteristhecoolest]

So there's a group of 3 of us, been friends since college. Friend 1 has 2 young DSs friend 2 has 1 DD our kids are all similar ages. Friend 1 split from her husband because she found out he was involved heavily in drugs and alcohol including around their DC.

They have had previous on and off tendencies due to the drugs and drink but each time he promised he'd stopped but she found out otherwise. They've been split for a while now and she was adamant she was doing the right thing and we tried to support her. She has recently started thinking she might want him back and has hinted this to both of us. I have tried to remain un-biased in my thought and advice/opinions to her, as she tends to take things very literally. Friend 2 however is strongly trying to push her back to her estranged husband even going as far as trying to seduce him to see what he thinks about them getting back together I too, am also not with my DC father so I don't want my experiences to have anything to do with anything I say to friend 1. I have now withdrawn from conversations about him but friend 2 recently messaged me privately asking why I wasn't being supportive etc

Quite frankly, I'd like to shake friend 1 and remind her why they split in the first place, his lies, his betrayal, the substance abuse etc but I am not and will not. AIBU to just keep out of it and not say anything?!

Sorry that was so log and well done if you made it through!

Long obviously not log

Unless friend one asks you directly for advice then stay quiet. Friend 2 sounds strange.

@MatildaTheCat what's what I'm trying to do. But even if she does address me and ask or asks face to face I always have no idea what to say!!! I can't tell her what I really think because I'll be accused of god knows what. Or letting my previous experiences with my ex 'cloud' my judgement ☹️

Make new friends ... this lot would do my head in ... and I think they're doing your head in.

@Thesearepearls they are a bit tbh. I don't think it helps that I'm much closer personally to friend 1 than friend 2 so her saying what she says and what she suggests annoys me even more! It's sad but they are almost the only friends I have bar another 1 or 2 people. Just wish I knew what to say when she asks me for advice without being too harsh. Any suggestions?!

Friend 2 sounds bonkers! I’d rather than have no friends than deal with her. Wtf!
Friend 1 does sound like she needs your support. Just let her know you’re there for her. Take her out and have fun times to remind her that there is an alternative to being sucked back into the mess she escaped from. Try and build her confidence and self esteem rather than judge her choices. X

If Friend 1 accuses you of anything because your advice to her to stay away from her drug and alcohol dependent ex then she's not a great friend.

Tell her that her children deserve to be brought up in a home without drug and alcohol abuse. If she takes offence at that then her priorities are screwed.

For the sake of her kids, don't keep quiet, tell her the truth but frame it around the kids.

I would calmly, tactfully and briefly explain why you don’t think it’s a good idea.

You’re her friend, I think it’s important to be honest and try to help steer friends away from bad situations.

Friend 2 sounds nuts!

@Shumpalumpa thank you. I have tried this in the past but when she sends messages to our group chat about him she always starts with 'I know mydaughter will tell me off/have a go/disapprove but......' and it bugs me! He has been in sole charge of their kids before whilst under the influence of drugs (she found out after they split) and I've tried pointing out to her how serious that is when she's mentioned taking him back but it appears she just kind of doesn't listen/actually take it in

Don't let it bug you when she says she knows you will disapprove. On some level, she is aware that you are th voice of reason, not friend 2 and that's a good thing.

On those accusations, reinforce that you won't have a go or tell her off, but that you love her/care about her too much not to speak the truth and that you want the best possible life for her and her DC.

I think maybe she knows too. It's like, on some level, she is looking for approval or like a green light type thing, our pets mission if you will free of judgement to let him come back. She's got that from friend 2 and then some but she won't be getting that from me