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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with being treated as boring because I don't drink

35 replies

Generallyok · 02/07/2018 16:10

I stopped drinking any alcohol for health reasons a while ago, but I have never been that fussed whether I had a drink at a party or not. My kids go to a very middle class school (we are in the catchment area but we are very ordinary in comparison to most). If we are invited to any social gathering ( even school functions) it seems the norm to drink excessively. I have lost count of the number of times people make rather sarcastic comments about not drinking. I thought that people would have grown up a bit by the the time they are in the 40's. I can't believe how it seems the norm to have a hangover after the weekend. These are educated people. I'm not a kill joy and don't have a problem with people drinking but I'm amazed by people's attitudes to not drinking.

OP posts:
Childrenofthesun · 02/07/2018 16:14

Yes, it's very tiresome. I have the odd glass of wine at home and very occasionally will drink a bit more at parties etc, but quite often I don't drink when I go out and it's like you're a social pariah. I live in a village so I've taken to driving when I go out as it stops the questions. I think anyone who makes comments secretly feels uncomfortable about their own drinking habits.

lenalove · 02/07/2018 16:15

Just came to say you are not alone and I totally relate!! I'm in my 20s and regularly get treated like some kind of madwoman/crashing bore for not wanting to get blind drunk every weekend...

ManicUnicorn · 02/07/2018 16:20

I'd bet that most of these people are functional pissheads/alcoholics and they stupidly feel judges by your sobriety. My DM is one of these people, she has IMO a serious dependency on alcohol and drinks every night. She's made a complete tit of herself so many times at so many different functions, yet sees herself as the fun life and souls of the party. She's not, she as a massive embarrassment. Yet people who don't drink in her opinion are boring.

grasspigeons · 02/07/2018 16:25

I find it makes some people very uncomfortable. Sometimes people don't notice I'm not drinking but as soon as it's picked up I'm grilled on it.

I think possibly they drink to lower their inhibitions but want others to be less alert too so they dont remember things too clearly

Storm4star · 02/07/2018 16:28

I have one friend who doesn't drink and it's not the not drinking that I have any issue with. It's the fact that (a) in a group setting she will sit nursing the same soft drink all night, looking bored (b) in a one to one setting it's worse as she'll often order no drink at all which is awkward and weird (c) she's always the one kicking up a fuss about split bills when we go for group meals, as she hasn't had alcohol. And yes I get she shouldn't be subsidising the rest of us to drink but its a pita.

So it's not the not drinking, its what comes with that.

Loopytiles · 02/07/2018 16:31

In what ways does she “kick up a fuss?” If she’s simply stating that she’ll pay her share only, for example, that’s not “kicking up a fuss” IMO

Greenglassteacup · 02/07/2018 16:31

I gave up alcohol nearly 20 yeas ago OP & haven’t ever missed it. I still receive comments about not drinking, people always want to know why & many assume it’s because I must have had a problem with drinking in the past ( I didn’t). Bollocks to them.

rosesandflowers1 · 02/07/2018 16:32

I don't drink. Generally I just ask for something else and nobody cares enough to make a comment. Sounds like you're around arsey people, OP.

Thankfully I don't have to worry about finance with splitting bills etc. so I usually just pay regardless, but I can imagine for some people that the extra expense would be too much. If so, you can always say it politely, I can't imagine one of my friends challenging that if you haven't had any alcohol yourself.

Love51 · 02/07/2018 16:34

Could you take up an extreme sport or hobby? Skydiving or scuba diving or playing cello on rooftops? Maybe become a famous graffiti artist? Then instead of 'generally-the-boring-teetottaler' you can be 'generally the nutter with the odd hobby she bangs on about'. Job done!

Worieddd · 02/07/2018 16:35

YANBU

Worieddd · 02/07/2018 16:36

Love51 eh? Why should she? What a stupid thing to suggest.

Yarnswift · 02/07/2018 16:36

Its been my experience that as I approach 40 people I know have fallen into one of two camps. The ‘odd beer with a BBQ’ very light drinkers and then those who absolutely cane it every chance they get.

I’m lucky in that my social circle is a mix of people who like a drink, don’t drink at all, are pregnant, have small kids (and frankly who can be arsed with a hangover with a toddler, fuck that) and those who dont drink for religious/health reasons. So when we meet up people just get their own, and have anything between none, a coffee, a wine, or a few without getting wrecked. Its relaxed and no one is fussed about who drinks what.

Love51 · 02/07/2018 16:36

greenglass my mum doesn't drink and hangs out with churchy people, they all want her to open up about her nonexistent drinking problem! Glad it's not just her!

Itchyknees · 02/07/2018 16:37

I hear you. I’ve been sidelined after giving up the booze. And it’s probably quite clear how bored I am when everyone else is shitted. It’s as though they take a personal affront at anyone making a different choice.

grasspigeons · 02/07/2018 16:40

Storm4star

As a non drinker going to a pub/bar isn't my dream outing. It's like going to an art gallery with a blindfold on. I would order a soft drink though so my friend didn't feel awkward but more to the point I would suggest more interesting alternatives that we both could enjoy.

Lordamighty · 02/07/2018 16:42

I know someone like this, unless you are matching her drink for drink at social events she calls you boring. I am not teetotal but it annoys the hell out of me.
The truth is that she is an acoholic, her DH & son are also alcoholics & they have all wrecked their health & lives with alcohol.
Sometimes it is all about their own inadequacies.

Love51 · 02/07/2018 16:43

Worieddd sincerely, no, she shouldn't take up extreme sports based on the advice if an internet stranger. But, she could move the focus from NOT doing something to something she is interested in. Likely she already has something more interesting to talk about than not drinking. And if the events are getting her down, why not invent a personae for the duration? Being tongue in cheek can get people through many a tedious few hours - try it, if you have to go to anything you don't love!

Greenglassteacup · 02/07/2018 16:47

Grin what?

Greenglassteacup · 02/07/2018 16:49

The wine o’clock culture seems to everywhere. Had a hard day? Ooh you’ll be looking forward to your glass of wine tonight! Had a good day? Ooh you’ll be looking forward to your glass of wine tonight. Zzzzzz

mummyretired · 02/07/2018 16:49

I don't drink most days, although I'm likely to be in a bar with those who do just that.
I find in a group setting I may be nursing the same soft drink all through several rounds - there are only so many pints of soda you can absorb in a couple of hours. Nobody minds.
In a restaurant setting - especially in a business context - I'll drink tap water and so will some of my companions. Not weird, especially where there is a limited choice of sweet, fizzy alternatives. We all pay for what we have.

If it's a party or special occasion I'll drink but won't go mad, and if I do get a bit squiffy they'll forgive me because I'm not "always that person".

starfishmummy · 02/07/2018 16:50

Even my mil does it. I had the "what would your really be drinking if you could". Actually I'd probably still have the coffee!!
And I do drink occasionally!!

specialsubject · 02/07/2018 16:54

a trip to the pub can be fine as a non drinker in the right company. but not with a bunch of tedious saddos with no life, no conversation and no interests.

people who can only have fun when pissed are saddos.normal people dont swill enough to get affected - and certainly dont hassle those who dont drink.

sounds like you live in a high saddo zone but there will be someone normal somewhere.

KnitFastDieWarm · 02/07/2018 16:57

I love a drink, but have had some of the best nights of my life with non-drinkers (including, memorably, a couple who were doing ramadan, so were not only sober but also bloody starving, but were amazing people and fun company - I’d have been miserable company Grin) It’s not the non-drinking, it’s the fact that as others have mentioned, SOME non-drinkers sit there with faces like thunder nursing a lukewarm coke all evening and spoil the atmosphere for everything else - but then again these people would probably be sulky, tedious drunks anyway so it’s more a personality thing. If you don’t do this and are a fun, engaging person sober, then you probably need to find new friends!

buddhasbelly · 02/07/2018 17:00

Make new friends. I don't drink and all my friends are taking me to the cinema next week for my bday.

Winebottle · 02/07/2018 17:01

I think you just need to find people who have similar interests.

I wouldn't comment on other people's choices but as someone whose entire social life revolves around binge drinking, obviously people who don't drink are not going to fit into my circle very well. They are not going to be interested in what I do.

That's fine. Non-drinkers probably think I'm boring for needing a drink to have fun and I probably wouldn't be interested in doing what they do either. Horses for courses.