Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try and get out of this baby shower?

19 replies

authcodehobby · 02/07/2018 15:17

My oldest friend is having a baby in November after years of trying and I'm delighted for her. She has already asked me to be the baby's godmother.

A year ago I had an abortion and I have not coped with it at all well (much to my extreme surprise). I've been diagnosed with PTSD and although I do feel it's getting better and the anxiety's lifting, I'm still so consumed with regret over it every day. My friend didn't know about any of this until weeks after she announced her pregnancy as I felt it would've been insensitive to tell her about the abortion whilst she was struggling to conceive, but I have told her about it a couple of times since.

The second time I mentioned to her that I was struggling was when her baby shower came up. She asked me what dates I'd be free and I told her. Then her mother added me to a Facebook group with another couple of her friends to discuss the organisation of the shower, theme etc. I left the group, telling her mother it was because I was so busy, but I told my friend the truth, that I found it hard.

Anyway, I obviously am really happy for her and will go through all the motions of visiting the baby etc., but I really, really don't want to go to the baby shower. I feel like crying at the though. WIBU to claim illness on the day?

OP posts:
narkedwithanarc · 02/07/2018 15:48

I'm sorry Flowers YANBU. I'm sure your friend understands. I would give the shower a miss and send a gift via someone if you can manage.

Original poster
authcodehobby · 02/07/2018 16:02

Thank you. She won't understand - the couple of times I've mentioned it to her it's went completely over her head. I don't think she really acknowledged what I was saying. The only way I can think to get out of it is by lying about being ill but I know she'd still be annoyed.

OP posts:
Dreamingofkfc · 02/07/2018 16:09

Is visiting a baby really going to be easier? I'm sorry that you feel this way, however this isn't about you.

Original poster
authcodehobby · 02/07/2018 16:11

No, visiting the baby will be harder, but completely necessary. I'm not sure a baby shower is necessary.

OP posts:
glintandglide · 02/07/2018 16:13

What is it about the baby shower you’re finding so hard?

I don’t know. Tbh if you were my friend I’d be upset too, and I’d also know you were lying at being sick on the day which would just cause further annoyance. I do appreciate your PTSD but you’re presumably going to visit the baby and act as godmother, the baby shower is nothing really. Are you having counselling? It’s not really that healthy to avoid these things at the expense of supportive friendships.

Confusedbeetle · 02/07/2018 16:15

Baby showers are ridiculous.

narkedwithanarc · 02/07/2018 16:16

Not being funny but, screw it if she's annoyed! Would she prefer it if you break down during the baby shower? Likely not.

I lost my son last year, he was stillborn. The most important thing in processing your grief is allowing yourself to put yourself first. Ignore dreamingof, that's a horrendous attitude to have.

Your friend will still be able to celebrate her pregnancy whether you are there or not, but if being there is going to cause you a lot of pain. Then I think you absolutely should not go.

Now I hate when people ask me this - but have you had any counselling? I've seen a number of counsellors and I'm still not 100%, but I can't say it hasn't helped a lot. If you've not had any I would highly recommend it, especially a counsellor that specialises in grief.

Original poster
authcodehobby · 02/07/2018 16:21

I did go to counselling but stopped. I'm not particularly looking forward to visiting the baby and would quite happily not be godmother, but obviously I wouldn't let on this to my friend and will act pleased and excited. I am pleased and excited for her, and I'm sure I'll love the baby. I've only mentioned my problem to her twice in a year, so I'm not relentlessly banging on about myself instead of talking about her pregnancy.

The baby shower though will be hours in a pub with baby themed decorations and games, hours of talking about pregnancy and babies and pretending I'm having a good time.

OP posts:
Original poster
authcodehobby · 02/07/2018 16:23

Thanks narked. I tried EMDR but didn't really gel with the counsellor so stopped going. I've been taking herbal supplements which have really, really helped the anxiety (as I'm sure the counselling did too), but I'm still consumed with regret.

Flowers to you.

OP posts:
HappyLollipop · 02/07/2018 16:24

I have a lot of sympathy for you but I you can't hide away from pregnant women and babies forever, getting through it will be extremely hard and you may have to leave earlier than other guests if it gets too much for you but she's you best friend and this is a big moment in her life so you should at least show your face and drop off a present. Also going to the baby shower will be good preparation for when you have to go and see the baby once born and becoming a godmother which will be much harder as I do think it's a necessary first step.

Lethaldrizzle · 02/07/2018 16:28

'You can't hide away from pregnant women and babies' - er yes you can! And you can especially choose not to have your nose rubbed in it and go to a baby shower - utterly grabby and ridiculous events. I wouldn't go on principle anyway

Original poster
authcodehobby · 02/07/2018 16:33

It wouldn't be too bad if it was a meal or something, but they've booked a function room so they can decorate it in baby themed things and have baby related games. It won't be half an hour of dropping in to the see the baby and having a cup of tea, or a Christening where afterwards you mingle with other guests and discuss things not related to babies, it will be all, completely, baby related at every turn.

At least there's a bar.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/07/2018 16:56

Just be straight and tell her the baby shower will be hard for you and you're not going.

I do wonder though if it might soften the blow of seeing the baby by attending? I'm not sure, it might do or it might make no difference.

Anyway put yourself first. Baby showers are just frivolity and a way to receive extra presents so I wouldn't worry too much about not going.

Look after you Flowers

Semster · 02/07/2018 17:18

I'm with the people saying look after you.

I've been that pregnant person whose friend couldn't cope with me being pregnant. I didn't always understand how she was feeling, but I did know that I had to accept that there would be times when she would be unable to be around me. It hurt that I was uninvited from her wedding, and I cried, but I never cried anywhere near as much as she did during that time.

Put yourself first. Tell your friend you just can't, and you're sorry, and you love her, and you'll be back when you're ready.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

Semster · 02/07/2018 17:18

And I do think that one day you'll be OK.

Lottapianos · 02/07/2018 17:23

'You can't hide away from pregnant women and babies' - er yes you can!'

That's exactly what I was thinking!

OP, it's very sad that you feel your friend doesn't really understand your situation. However that makes it even more important that you take care of yourself. I know you're happy for her. I know how it feels to be genuinely happy for someone else but heartbroken for yourself. You do not have to put yourself through this. You need to put your own feelings first right now. I wouldn't dream of attending a baby shower, and I haven't had your recent traumatic experience

Original poster
authcodehobby · 02/07/2018 18:49

Thanks for everyone’s kindness. Perhaps I’ll feel better by then anyway. I’ve never wanted kids so I don’t think she realises how gutted I am. I’ve already looked at numerous scan photos, including one at exactly the same stage I was at when I had the abortion which was like a dagger to the heart whilst hopefully appearing normal and excited to her. I can do the same again when the baby arrives, but the baby shower fills me with dread. I think it’s the length of time I’ll have to keep the act up for.

OP posts:
chestylarue52 · 02/07/2018 23:36

Don’t go to the baby shower.

I just smile and say “I don’t do baby showers, I hope you have a good time, I’m looking forward to meeting your baby when they arrive”.

Just don’t go.

Original poster
authcodehobby · 03/07/2018 15:32

Thanks chesty. I wish I'd said that at the beginning when she was asking me what dates I'd be free.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page