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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a week away is too much?

21 replies

SS2512 · 02/07/2018 14:35

So my FIL turns 70 next year & my OH has basically TOLD me that the whole family are going away for a week for said birthday. I don't even think I'm going to have enough holidays, but whenever I say this he just says to take it unpaid!

I actually already get a generous holiday allowance because I'm in a senior role within the company so to then request unpaid leave on top of this just for a birthday seems cheeky. I have worked it all out properly today & after taking the holidays that we have already booked this leaves me with 6 days, but this doesn't include any time I will need to take off during school holidays.

AIBU to tell him it's going to have to be a weekend or I can't go?

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 02/07/2018 14:48

Unless your dFiL is ill, Yanbu.

Has it occurred to your dh that you might not want to go, that there are other important things going on. Also that families who spend too much time cooped up together, tend to argue. Most people can keep smiling for a weekend, even 3 days, but a week......! I’d say thank you but you’ll need to get back earlier than that.

nosleepnosense · 02/07/2018 14:50

That's ridiculous, don't go. You'll resent it if you do.

Angie169 · 02/07/2018 14:57

Would it be possible for you to go for two days , the day of the birthday and the day after so you can enjoy the whole evening without worrying about how late it is / what time do you leave .
OH could go for the whole time you just join them when you are ready. .

Unless you get on very well with MIL and the rest of the family you would probably feel like a outsider ( I would )

Angie169 · 02/07/2018 14:58

Sorry FIL not MIL.

Original poster
SS2512 · 02/07/2018 15:07

Thanks for the replies. He is not ill, quite an active life in general & we see them several times a week too.

I think the issue is my DH and his family are very, very close, whereas although I am close with my family (1 brother, 2 sisters, Mum & Dad) we don't feel like we need to live in each others pockets. So for him & his family, this is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. It drives me bonkers!

I am just not looking forward to the conversation because I know my OH will make out that it is me being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
SS2512 · 02/07/2018 15:12

Angie169 - I did consider proposing this but they want to go abroad!! So I know my OH wouldn't be keen on the idea and to be honest I don't know if I'd like flying on my own. I get on with the family fine, but I like my own company & after a few hours of socialising (with anybody, even my own parents) I feel like I need to have time on my own to spend with my OH & kids alone, but from previous experience on holidays with them I know that they like to spend the whole time together, so there really is no break.

OP posts:
Storm4star · 02/07/2018 15:17

Obviously we only have a snapshot here of one situation so hard to judge. But I do think that there has to be some give and take in relationships and sometimes you need to just suck it up! I think it's possible you may come across as a bit selfish if you refuse to go, especially as it clearly means a lot to your DH. But you know the context of your whole relationship and whether his request is reasonable or not.

steppemum · 02/07/2018 15:17

well, the other way to do it is to say Lovely! that's great, so you ar epayign for childcare for 5 weeks over the sumemr then? Or are you taking annual leave?

Make him see that the consequence is you don't have enough holiday time left for the things you need.

Suggesting you take unpaid leave is cheeky - it is his family, so he should take unpaid leave to cover the school holidays when your annual leave is used up.

We did do this for my mum's 75 and we were all there for 4 days I think (varied a bit) there were 16 of us, and 4 days was PLENTY!

Original poster
SS2512 · 02/07/2018 15:49

@Storm4star - yes I definitely appreciate give & take in a relationship, but believe me I suck it up plenty. His family take priority a lot (christmas, birthdays etc) as in we will make arrangements to suit them regardless of how it affects any other plans. For example, Fathers Day, I made arrangements with my family to go to my parents around 1pm & have a bbq. This had been arranged for weeks & before I arranged it I spoke about it in great detail to my OH & asked if he wants to do a joint bbq at our house instead, but he said as my parents live close to his parents we could all just go over there after the bbq had finished. All sorted, until the day before when he told me that his dad was also doing a bbq & would be starting food at 4pm.

Also we have already arranged to go on a big family holiday in 2 years time (that will be our only holiday that year) so I’m not saying no to any family holidays, just that I can’t see how it’s possible next year because of the number of days I already have booked. My holidays are never used for myself, I always have to use them to take time off for childcare issues. This year alone I have already had to use 4 days annual leave for childcare alone & that’s before the summer holidays have even started. So I don’t know how I will manage next year with only having 6 spare days as it stands.

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 02/07/2018 15:51

Just tell your husband you requested the leave and it has been denied. Shame.

Problem solved.

Storm4star · 02/07/2018 16:16

Ah ok, well that was really unfair re the BBQ so I will change my answer! In that case I would just tell him you don't have the leave available, cannot take it unpaid, and that's that. Also, he should have discussed it with you, not just "told" you, that wasn't right in any case.

Fishface77 · 02/07/2018 16:21

Stop being a mug and stop being so accommodating! If he wants to go let him.
Why does his family take precedence? What are you scared of?

5foot5 · 02/07/2018 16:57

All sorted, until the day before when he told me that his dad was also doing a bbq & would be starting food at 4pm.

I hope you told him he would be going on his own as you didn't want to have to rush away from your parents house and anyway, who can face two BBQs on one day?

Original poster
SS2512 · 02/07/2018 17:29

Thanks all. I’m going to sit down with him tonight & actually show him how it all adds up on the calendar & just be clear with him that the few days I do have left need to be kept for our daughter & I can’t take it unpaid.

Just to answer, the day of the bbq, yes I did tell him that I won’t be rushing to leave my dads so we will just get to his dads when we get there. He moaned a bit that he felt bad having to turn up late at his dads but accepted it, we ended up getting there at around 5.30.

OP posts:
Angie169 · 02/07/2018 22:13

ooh I did not realise the holiday was abroad , that make my plan much harder .
Why would he expect you to go two BBQs in one day , I love BBQs but one a day is plenty, imo they are meant to be a very long afternoon >> evening event . mine would start at about 2pm with coffee / tea , fish , salad then a bit later burgers & sausages in buns and low alc wine / beer then steak , ribs , chicken legs and proper beer / wine and finish anytime between 10pm and 2am ( I think I may of gone off OP , sorry , I now want a BBQ )

Storm4star · 02/07/2018 22:38

Sorry this is off thread OP but I want to go to @Angie169 next BBQ, sounds great! Grin

Cyantist · 02/07/2018 22:51

Why do you need to take time off in the school holidays? If your hubby expects you to go on another holiday, he can take leave in the holidays instead.

Or suggest a long weekend

Butterymuffin · 02/07/2018 23:48

And why is it always you who takes time off for the kids' issues? Tell your husband he needs to start doing his share of that.

littlemissdynamite · 02/07/2018 23:49

Spending a week with ANYone other than my DH and kids is my idea of hell.

No way.

Doingreat · 02/07/2018 23:58

Agree with @littlemissdynamite. One week... no way.

@angie... can i come to your bbq? Please?

beeefcake · 03/07/2018 00:06

Just say no, I can't take anymore time off work.

Could you fly home on your own after a few says?

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